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A Letter To My Rapist - <slight trigger warning>

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Jaimeisbroken, Dec 11, 2012.

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  1. Jaimeisbroken

    Jaimeisbroken Well-Known Member

    I wrote this about 1 year ago which was a couple of weeks before he was sentenced.

    Dear Sexual Assailant,

    Why did you enjoy hurting me?
    I can't even begin to understand the appeal of seeing someone suffer. You not only enjoyed seeing me suffer but you also clearly enjoyed being the cause of this suffering. There were many times where you weren't hurting me in a sexual way and only a physical way and you still became sexually aroused presumably by my out-loud cries and tears. Many times as I suffered the pain of your physical abuses I saw you become erect. Then because of the twisted person you are, you then satisfied your sexual urge by using me. What kind of person are you that you can see someone suffer and be the manufacturer of that suffering and be aroused by it?

    Was it all premeditated?
    Your actions, demeanor and attitude suggest that your cruelty was premeditated. You had a van that for lack of a better description had a torture chamber built into the back of it. You had a duffle bag full of things like rope, handcuffs, duct-tape, gags and tools. I can only presume that this was your personal version of a rape kit. How long did it take you to modify your van into a torture chamber? Was this something that you worked on for hours, days or weeks? Did someone help you or were you able to come up with all these plans on your own? You had a cooler filled with enough ice, food and drinks that you could have kept me with you for 3 or more days. Did you plan on torturing me longer than 23 hours or were you making sure you were prepared just in case you wanted too?

    Was I specifically part of the premeditation?
    I have tried so hard to wrap my head around what you did to me, but as hard as I try I can't seem to. We knew of each other but we didn't really know each other. You were an 18 year old student at my high school and we have seen each other in school but we weren't friends, we weren't even friends of friends. Did you see me at school and then start fantasizing about hurting me? Was this something that developed over time or did you instantly know that I was the one you wanted to hurt?

    The night we ran into each other at the mall did you already know I was there or were you just looking for anyone you thought you could manipulate into getting into your van?

    Were you going to kill me?
    Many times while you were hurting me you made threats to kill me. You threatened to strangle me with your own hands and a few times you did choke me into near unconsciousness. You held a knife against my throat and laughed as you saw me cry. You threatened to handcuff me to a heavy weight and throw me off the bridge into the River. You even threatened to fill a water bottle up with Drano and force me to drink it or squeeze it into me like a douche. All of these threats I took serious because once you raped me 2 or 3 times I realized you were capable of anything.

    Why did you let me go?
    After all the times you raped, sodomized, molested, beat, threatened and tortured me you still let me go. Why would you do that? Did you not realize that I would tell the police what happened? Surely you realized that I had to go to the hospital as a result of your assault and that would lead to questions of what happened to me. Further you had to assume that the questions would lead to the truth and the truth to evidence collection and evidence would lead to your arrest. Did you want to be arrested? Did you want this before you assaulted me, during the assault or just at the end?

    Why did you later confess?
    When they arrested you it took only a few hours before you confessed to what you did, but as much as they tried to figure out the "WHYS", you were silent.

    Are there other victims of yours out there?
    Was I the one and only victim? How many others have you hurt and are they still alive? Did your intimidation keep them fearful and in a state of silence? Did you assume that I would be so scared of you that I would remain silent?

    Do you regret what you did to me?
    I can't imagine that someone could ever hurt another person the way you hurt me. I can't fathom it. I have tried to understand the "WHYS", but I obviously have too much sanity to understand the enjoyment of seeing people suffer.

    At some point when you was hurting me did you regret what you did to me, and is that why you let me go and then later after being arrested confess to hurting me?

    What I think of you.
    I think you are very simple minded although you have an intelligence about you that gives you the ability to seem trustworthy but that's about it. I think each and every person in this world has animalistic desires but the vast majority of us understand right from wrong and we care about how our actions affect others. You on the other hand are a sociopath.

    I think you premeditated most of what you did to me, but I think I was just at the wrong place at the wrong time. It just happened to be the same time you were on the prowl. I think if it wasn't me it would have been someone else. For that reason I am glad that you chose me instead of one of my friends or GOD forbid a child. I think you let me go because you were so sure that you had broken me and that I wouldn't turn you in. Once the police had enough evidence to arrest you I think you realized there was too much evidence and that's why you confessed. Sad thing is I imagine you confessed not out of regret or remorse, but as an attempt to manipulate the court system into thinking you're remorseful. I can't imagine that you could expect leniency after what you did to me, but then again I am not as fucked up as you are.

    I am beyond the point where I am safe to assume that you will be in prison for many years. I could sit here with a very vindictive yet satisfying look on my face with the thought of you becoming the prison play toy, who gets passed around and used on a nightly basis by those much more physically powerful than you, but I don't want you to be used that way. I know what it feels like and I wouldn't wish that upon even my worst enemy, and yes, you're my worst enemy. Ideally you will become reformed, but since I don't think a monster could ever be anything but a monster, I simply hope that you will die of old age while still behind bars.

    If I could ignore my humanity and all the things that make me the person I am, I would want you to be tortured to death. I am glad I have a conscious because I don't want to be as weak minded as you. I don't want to be so empty that I fill myself with anger and the suffering of others.

    As much as I despise you with every fiber of my being, I still feel sorry for you. Not because you will undoubtedly feel the isolation of prison that separates you from society or that you will be surrounded by other monsters that may view you as prey. I feel sorry for you because you are incapable of understanding love. You are incapable of sharing love. If you can't understand or share love, you will never KNOW love. What an empty life that will be for you. While you face the day to day solitude of your loveless life, I will be surrounded with people who love me and people whom I love. That's what you were powerless to take from me, and still are powerless to take from me.
  2. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Very powerful. How strong you are, amazing.
  3. Jaimeisbroken

    Jaimeisbroken Well-Known Member

    I'm not strong. I put on a good show. I am rather weak in reality.
  4. Powerpuff

    Powerpuff Active Member

    I am so sorry for your ordeal, it must have been horrifying. But as said above, you are strong, you are also human, by showing sorry for your attacker. I can not be like that, I want to torture my attackers. Anyway, try to stay strong, the nightmares don't go away but they can be manageable, if not then get help, talking helps. I feel so sorry for you, I cried reading your post.
  5. Butterflyaway

    Butterflyaway Active Member

    I don’t see a weak person. What you have been through is unimaginable. You may not see it yourself but your “letter” not only shows how brave you are, but also shows that you are a survivor. Your last sentence/s are the ones to hang on to – you are surrounded by people who love you and he is powerless to take that from you. Keep going – you are stronger than you think. Please take care.
  6. Jaimeisbroken

    Jaimeisbroken Well-Known Member

    Didn't mean to make you cry. Sorry.
    I have wrote a letter to him where I talked about hurting him like he hurt me. They were therapeutic. I never have given any of the letter to him.

    Thanks for your support.
  7. lordsalisbury

    lordsalisbury Well-Known Member

    You are a much better person than me - I hope that guy gets the living shit kicked out of him in prison.

    I hope that things are beginning to look up for you.
  8. Jaimeisbroken

    Jaimeisbroken Well-Known Member

    I am not a better person then you, trust me.

    He was sentence on December 20th, 2011. You can read about his sentence here if you would like.
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