A life of failure is no life at all

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Anhedonic, Dec 23, 2015.

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  1. Anhedonic

    Anhedonic Member

    Once again, I've ruined another sliver of an opportunity I've had for some contribution I could make, some way I could participate and engage with humans. Details are unimportant because it's not one circumstance, it's a lifelong pattern.

    Can there be any hope when you are so inherently broken that you undermine any chance of success you are presented? Why bother to exist knowing that people will not suffer your defects, and any pursuit of happiness using your limited abilities will invariably end in punishment? What's the use of playing the survival game, working a garbage job just to stave off total ruin as anything that would result in a life worth living is beyond your reach? Why not just slide into the oblivion that the world is funneling you into?

    Humans get stronger, smarter, build on what they have to reach even greater heights. I don't. My suffering is meaningless.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I failed at everything I tried to do, even suicide. I have ruined all chances of having a successful life unless a miracle comes and and I grow a brain. Don't be too hard on yourself, there IS hope. There's always hope, always another corner to turn around to. I am sorry you are suffering. May I ask what you have failed at? Are you getting professional help?
  3. Anhedonic

    Anhedonic Member

    My list of failure is long. My most recent is a bit complicated to explain, but the simple version is that I said something that I didn't realize could perceived as an insult, effectively rendering several months of effort void and another opportunity lost. This is hardly an exceptional situational, although I usually don't fail so bad as to crash before the starting gates have opened.

    This is around my 9th or so therapist. I'll be seeing a psychiatrist in a month, although I've already been on virtually every medication, ECT, and TMS. No amount of professional help will grant me the human functioning I've never had.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi again,

    may I ask why you are on your 9th therapist? did you stop going to the others? or was it too tough?
    The psychiatrist will hopefully be a good one and you deserve the best. No one should suffer no matter what they are going through. I feel your pain I really do. I have failed in an educational sense. I volunteer now 3 days a week, that makes me feel good. Could you volunteer your time if not working already? It feels great to help worse off people.
    Did the ECT help? I've heard mixed reviews about it. And what is TMS? (Sorry for all the questions, just trying to understand).
  5. Anhedonic

    Anhedonic Member

    Many were worthless and just wanted to pigeonhole all of my problems to validate their narrow pet theories. One would say it's the PTSD, another would emphasize the autism, another would say I just don't want to be happy, etc. One retired. One I moved away from.

    I don't receive any benefits from volunteer work. I always leave feeling like a sucker who expended his minimally-available mental resources on free labor. It often works exactly like every other social aspect of my life: quiet exclusion. My last volunteering at a soup kitchen left me consistently handwashing dishes by myself for 3 hours straight.

    ECT made things worse. A case of anesthetic awareness due to an incompetent anesthesiologist has generated a phobia of anesthesia. I find it harder to focus and remember anything. I was lied to and told it had around a 90% success rate.

    TMS is transcranial magnetic stimulation.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Yeah.my ex boyfriend had ECT and has serious memory issues. I once asked if I could have ECT hoping it would take away painful memories but the psychiatrist said he was against ECT so that was the end of that. What is the real success rate, do you know? I find it interesting.
    I am really sorry it's caused you memory loss and didn't work out.
    Volunteering has its up and downs. You might have to do things that feel demeaning but you are helping them in the end but hey it's not for everyone. Please do not hurt yourself, it's not worth it, i tried to kill myself and ended up on life support in a coma. I have constant stomach troubles now from it. It isn't worth it and you'll live to regret it if you fail. Please never consider suicide as an option, you seem like a nice reasonable person. Don't let a few bad experiences ruin your life.
  7. Anhedonic

    Anhedonic Member

    Don't remember the real success rate, though I can tell you it's nowhere close to high. It's even worse when you consider that most of the data is based on immediate reporting after, and the research cannot even begin to explain why it would be expected to work.

    Bad experiences aren't few, they're the defining element of my existence. The closest I've ever been to happiness has been at the peak of total dissociation from reality.

    I'm not a suicide risk. The human ability to defy self-preservation instincts is not something that I enjoy.

    My life was ruined not by my experiences but what I am, or rather, what I am not.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Sorry for the late reply, I was sleeping.

    Do you feel you are still suffering after effects from ECT? My ex suffered severe memory loss through ECT. He remembered bad things, it didn't take the memories that he wanted taken away, away. I've heard mixed reviews from it but from what I've read, I would be scared to try it now. Very scared. Thanks goodness my psychs do not agree with it. I am sorry it affected you so badly.

    SF will be here for you, it is christmas eve, do you celebrate christmas? If so are you looking forward to it?

    I am glad to hear you are not a suicide risk. That's rare to see around here. I hope you are having a better day today and remember you are not alone in this battle.
  9. Anhedonic

    Anhedonic Member

    It's hard to say how much it affected things long-term. Admittedly, my cognitive functioning was already alarmingly low to begin with. All I know for sure is my mind is broken, and my ECT helped to break it just a little more. These days I no longer even possess the capacity to learn. I can memorize a set of instructions short-term, but no more. I have no means to keep up with my "peers" in any pursuit and my general ineptitude inevitably sabotages what little I have going for me at any moment.

    If by celebrate you mean commercial exchange, then yes, I do. This year's Christmas celebration will consist of me giving two gifts to the person dependent upon me for physical care.

    Every day is the same for me. There's nothing for me to look forward to. Even if there is a slightly ajar door I could jam my foot into, I end up with just another broken foot every time. Such is the pattern. People have no obligation to bend over backwards and offer me charity just so I can feel like a part of this world. You have to prove that are worthy of anything, and if you can't, you may as well not exist.
  10. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I am sorry that you feeling the way you do. There is a purpose in living, even if it's on a day by day basis. You have a purpose in that you care for someone which I commend you as that alone must be tough. Surely, if you did something to yourself then this person would miss you totally. You are allowed to have a break from caring this person. Is there a personal interest that you can pursue in your life?

    If you structure your day where you are allowed to do your own interest, then perhaps that will help you to motivate yourself. We rebuild our lives on a day by day basis but baby steps first. Please keep posting and have a safe day today. We all care here and that's important.
  11. Anhedonic

    Anhedonic Member

    I did have an interest I was pursuing, but my latest gaffe brought a swift end to that. All my paths are dead ends, all illusory. Without the competencies to follow through there can be nothing beyond the failure and disappointment. An inability to learn rules out most of the activities humans participate in. Back to my regularly-scheduled escapism in video games.
  12. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Fine, but you can start you interest again as there is nothing stopping you from doing that. It does matter if you caused injury or mistake. It's a matter of learning from your past and previous mistakes and trying again. Playing video games is fine but you can get pleasure in other pursuits as well.
  13. Anhedonic

    Anhedonic Member

    That's what I'm trying to explain - I don't learn from my mistakes, at all. This is far from the first time I'm botched things in this fashion. This won't be the last.

    Because of a level of disability unaccounted for even here, I can never find empathy among humans. As far as people are concerned, such a creature doesn't exist; I don't exist.

    "Just learn", like it's magic. Ever consider that the faculties you take for granted are not shared by everyone?
  14. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I understand but we botch up things. We learn from our mistakes and try to achieve to do something else. So we need to find a comprise where we can do stuff at a facility. I don't what level of disability you have but there are organisations who sympathetic to your needs. Can you do any form of exercise or recreational activity. I am not trying to pry but trying to give some further advice on this post.
  15. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Hi, Welcome to the Forum, sometimes I think I have that problem as well, I seem to keep doing and making the same mistakes over and over again, with me though, I believe that people are inherently good, most are but the few that are not seem to be able to pick me out of a crowd, they seem to do it over and over again! I consider myself smart maybe I am wrong in that as well, I have been blaming others for some of my issues when perhaps it is me all this time, I wished that I had someone smack me on the side of the head a long time ago and said pay attention stupid!
    I seem to be stuck in an endless circle and haven't learned that it was time of get off of the Merry-Go Round a long time ago, I am not referring to suicide I just meant it was time for me to lean something instead of making the same mistakes over and Over! I feel I am to late to learn some behavior modification! I am sorry that you feel it is to late for you, I have spent a little time in here and I am amazed at what I have learned, I hope that you can keep posting and talking to people in here, There are a lot of people that can give you some worthwhile information! I do wish you the best. Be safe, you are safe in here and Take Care of yourself, we will help you if you want it all that you have to do is ask! We are here for you!
  16. Anhedonic

    Anhedonic Member

    Not facility, faculty: an inherent mental or physical power. Just because you can do something does not mean everyone can.

    I don't consider humans inherently good or bad. I used to exercise that same defense mechanism, externalizing and projecting my defects onto others to account for my miserable lifelong circumstances. Once I accepted the truth, things made a lot more sense. There was never any conspiracy against me; humans simply see how poor my functioning is and react accordingly. They intuitively recognize that I am not the same as them just as I did from early childhood.

    I clung to the hope that I could become human by copying them. Of course, I already knew that it was never about the behaviors but the faculties that govern them. Without those, you're just a cheap imitation. Behavior modification by itself does precious little. Still, it was the only hope I had.
  17. Anhedonic

    Anhedonic Member

    Scared. I neglected to mention that my latest failure excluded me from the only passion I had left in my miserable existence. Now, even if I could engage, it would merely trigger the trauma. Exposure to anything related fills me with massive anxiety. Completely lost, no idea what to do now.

    It's easy for more privileged persons to declare I should simply take on new interests, but it's just not possible for me. As my name implies, I suffer from the inability to experience pleasure. I was at least able to sidestep this by drawing upon the remnants of the pleasure response I once associated with said passion, granting me relief and comfort, if nothing else. Autistic minds are basically structured so that we only have one or two narrow interests often taken to the point of obsession, as is my case. That's why this failure is especially painful.
  18. Anhedonic

    Anhedonic Member

    Upon more reflection, I've realized that things are even worse than that. All I had to return to were the memories from before the anhedonia had set in completely. Now they trigger massive anxiety spikes. I've been conditioned by this one crisis and I fear that it can't be undone. I have nothing left.
  19. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I'm so sorry to hear that you are suffering pain but life is important. I know you are thinking it's the end of the world but it's not. You are down but there must be a cure for what you are feeling. Just keep posting now as we can help YOU.
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