I don't feel well right now. If my LDR boyfriend was online I'd probably be brave and tell him it was just a minor 'glitch'. Just as to not worry him... and I do want to believe that too. It's just one of those nights I suddenly get overwhelmed by my past... (you're welcome to read My Story...). It's one of those nights I realize how many people could have, and should have heard and seen my cries for help. I know I tried to hide the abuse I suffered at home, but what I know about psychology tells me that there will always be signs of a child not developing in a suitable environment... Did no one see me flinch? Did no one see I didn't want to socialize with other children? Did no one see I was reluctant to go back home? I guess it's because I didn't act out... I hid away. I found corners to sit in with a book... I was smart, and smart kids doesn't come from abusive homes, right?? I pretty much taught myself to read a year before other kids, I learned English before everyone else, I even took to German and some Spanish... I studied anatomy and mumifications when I was 10, I studied death omens in folk lore when I was 11, When I was 15 I read Hamlet in the original version, when the other people in my grade could barely say any sentence in English further than "Hi, my name is..." And of course I got bullied for being smart. And the teachers let that happen. They let everything happen. They never helped me... did they think I was okay as long as I could find a hiding place at the library between the shelves? As long as I made no noise and didn't destroy property... ... When I was destroying myself instead? How the hell didn't they see!? I tried to end my life the first time when I was nine years old... I thought the world would be better off without me. I thought no one wanted me and that I was only a mistake. I even thought my mother would be happier if I died... if she didn't have me perhaps she could find herself a boyfriend... or maybe even get my father back. I remember that morning in school after the first time I failed (thank goodness). mother hadn't noticed a thing of course... and internally I was begging that the teacher would see that I wasn't okay. He kept talking about mathematics... and I was about to cry. But I couldn't... I couldn't bear to be laughed at by the other kids once more. When I was 10 or so I spent our 'reading classes' hoping that the angels would decide I had enough of pain and torment and would take me away... it wasn't much reaching I did those times obviously... When I started selfharming for real when I was 13, after I was raped I tried to hide it, but at the same time I just wanted someone to notice... someone to see the pain... and the things I couldn't say. I still think someone must have seen... but it must have been difficult to step in... but still... damn it. My life could have been so much different if only one person stepped in. When I was 17 I struggled terribly with un-diagnosed PTSD, from the rape and no doubt the lifetime of bullying behind me as well... I couldn't sleep at night... I didn't want to. The nightmares were terrible... I felt stupid because my brain didn't function properly... I didn't take notes in school... I barely did my homework... and here, FINALLY someone took me aside... First time it was my English teacher. I was about to cry when I hadn't managed to once again make the deadline on an essay... I did want to do well, and he knew I was good in this subject... so he took me aside. I told him I had some issues... I was so very vague but he managed to guess a lot of things and I nodded. He told me to get help, I refused... but a few days later the schools psychologist found me and wanted a word. I clammed up and felt I couldn't say anything and I told him I wasn't ready... Fast forward... I'm 26... I was in therapy 3 years ago, but once again I didn't tell the truth and wasn't ready to open up... Next Thursday I'm starting therapy again... and I've promised myself and my boyfriend to be completely honest this time... I just... ugh. I don't want to die... I don't want to die... I don't want to die... I just wish I didn't have to live with all this.