A life of unheard cries for help...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ThePhantomLady, Feb 11, 2016.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I don't feel well right now. If my LDR boyfriend was online I'd probably be brave and tell him it was just a minor 'glitch'. Just as to not worry him... and I do want to believe that too.

    It's just one of those nights I suddenly get overwhelmed by my past... (you're welcome to read My Story...).
    It's one of those nights I realize how many people could have, and should have heard and seen my cries for help.

    I know I tried to hide the abuse I suffered at home, but what I know about psychology tells me that there will always be signs of a child not developing in a suitable environment... Did no one see me flinch? Did no one see I didn't want to socialize with other children? Did no one see I was reluctant to go back home?

    I guess it's because I didn't act out... I hid away. I found corners to sit in with a book... I was smart, and smart kids doesn't come from abusive homes, right?? I pretty much taught myself to read a year before other kids, I learned English before everyone else, I even took to German and some Spanish... I studied anatomy and mumifications when I was 10, I studied death omens in folk lore when I was 11, When I was 15 I read Hamlet in the original version, when the other people in my grade could barely say any sentence in English further than "Hi, my name is..."

    And of course I got bullied for being smart. And the teachers let that happen. They let everything happen. They never helped me... did they think I was okay as long as I could find a hiding place at the library between the shelves? As long as I made no noise and didn't destroy property...

    ... When I was destroying myself instead? How the hell didn't they see!?

    I tried to end my life the first time when I was nine years old... I thought the world would be better off without me. I thought no one wanted me and that I was only a mistake.
    I even thought my mother would be happier if I died... if she didn't have me perhaps she could find herself a boyfriend... or maybe even get my father back.

    I remember that morning in school after the first time I failed (thank goodness). mother hadn't noticed a thing of course... and internally I was begging that the teacher would see that I wasn't okay. He kept talking about mathematics... and I was about to cry. But I couldn't... I couldn't bear to be laughed at by the other kids once more.

    When I was 10 or so I spent our 'reading classes' hoping that the angels would decide I had enough of pain and torment and would take me away... it wasn't much reaching I did those times obviously...

    When I started selfharming for real when I was 13, after I was raped I tried to hide it, but at the same time I just wanted someone to notice... someone to see the pain... and the things I couldn't say.

    I still think someone must have seen... but it must have been difficult to step in... but still... damn it. My life could have been so much different if only one person stepped in.

    When I was 17 I struggled terribly with un-diagnosed PTSD, from the rape and no doubt the lifetime of bullying behind me as well... I couldn't sleep at night... I didn't want to. The nightmares were terrible... I felt stupid because my brain didn't function properly... I didn't take notes in school... I barely did my homework... and here, FINALLY someone took me aside...
    First time it was my English teacher. I was about to cry when I hadn't managed to once again make the deadline on an essay... I did want to do well, and he knew I was good in this subject... so he took me aside. I told him I had some issues... I was so very vague but he managed to guess a lot of things and I nodded. He told me to get help, I refused... but a few days later the schools psychologist found me and wanted a word. I clammed up and felt I couldn't say anything and I told him I wasn't ready...

    Fast forward... I'm 26... I was in therapy 3 years ago, but once again I didn't tell the truth and wasn't ready to open up...
    Next Thursday I'm starting therapy again... and I've promised myself and my boyfriend to be completely honest this time...

    I just... ugh. I don't want to die... I don't want to die... I don't want to die... I just wish I didn't have to live with all this.
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    I am so sorry for all the pain that you have been through and that you spent your childhood waiting for help that never came.

    You deserve help and you deserve to get better and it is a myth that saying you are okay when you are not is the brave and strong thing to do. The brave and strong thing to do is stand up and be seen, be heard. There is safety in hiding and it is tempting to cling to old patterns, but old patterns haven't helped you get better. Its time to cry out loud - not just in your head - not silent pleas for help. It is time to cry out loud and make sure that this time, someone helps. Someone hears. You deserve that.

    You are strong enough and brave enough to do this - I believe in you.
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Thank you.

    I know the real bravery is asking for help and going through with it... which is why I'm so scared of starting therapy... to actually say all those things out loud.

    And I really worry it won't be enough... that I'm completely damaged beyond repair...
  4. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    It is so hard to ask for help. And to follow through and accept it. I think that must be especially true if you have been abused. Because you have to trust someone to ask for help. Trust them enough to reveal what has happened. And how hard that is to do when you have been abused. I hope you will be totally comfortable with your new therapist. That you will be able to share what has happened and find the peace you seek. Please bear in mind that your are NOT damaged beyond repair. You will not be able to forget what has happened, but you will be able to bury it the remotest corners of your mind. Thank you for being here. And for being you.
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi @ThePhantomLady

    I am so sorry for all you have had to endure and you suffered in silence for so long, my heart goes out to you so much. Being raped totally changed my personality even and it probably did the same to you. I'm really glad your English teacher noticed something was wrong, fair play to him for caring. It's not your fault for not speaking out about it. I am also 26 and starting therapy soon. Yes, please be completely honest with your therapist and and let them help you. I wish you all the best and hope and pray no more harm comes your way you deserce TLC. big hugs and lets me know how therapy goes :) It can be hard, the first few sessions can be awkward but when you build up trust it will be just fine! You will be fine sweetheart! Best of luck to you!!
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  6. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I'm sorry for what happened to you too Petal.

    On a positive note my therapist tried to call me recently, (I didn't pick up as she called from a hidden number) and she sounds so nice, she has a really trustworthy voice... so here's hoping that will make it easier.

    I just sometimes wish I could take a pill and wake up as an entirely different person with a different past and other memories...
  7. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Well-Known Member

    If that pill existed, I would be right behind you in the queue for it.

    Good luck on your imminent therapy.
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  8. fosty

    fosty Well-Known Member

    Very moving story, thanks for sharing. One thing my therapist said to me that really opened my eyes 'the first thing you have to believe is that you deserve to be well and happy.' I hope you believe that you do :)
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
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