I want to start out saying I am sorry to hear about everyones problems and struggles. I am not sure how much I am comfortable with writing down but I will try to at least get some basics. I have ruined my life, not one event but almost all events that just keep spiraling down hill, everytime I think I hit bottom I fly off a cliff and down another mountain. I am not talking about drugs or anything of that nature. I am 33 years old and have been married over 10 years, with no kids. I have no job (for over 3 years),no income, no car, and absolutely nothing my name. My wife suffers from PNES and can't work because of the seizures, we are trying to get her on Social Security but she has no income either. We live with her mom who has paid and continues to pay for everything for us over the last 7 years. I have a culinary degree but owe tons of money in loans that are in default. I was committed into a psych ward for suicide 8 years ago for 4 days. They were so quick to say bipolar but after a few years of none of the bipolar meds working even maxed out they ruled against bipolar and went with anxiety disorder with ocd but prescribed me nothing and took all the pills away. I then proceed to ruin my life and my wifes life. I was locked up for almost 3 years. While I was down my wife cheated on me but just told me 2 months ago after being back over 3 years. I know I messed up because I have to pay for it everyday for the rest of my life. I can't get work because of the nature of my crime and I can't qualify for government assistance. I am essentially a diseased mutt waiting for the day when he will be put down. I have to beg for everything and I have to sit by while my wifes condition gets worse. There are so many days that go by that I regret not going through with my suicide instead of getting help. My crime stims from childhood and if I would have seeked helped about it, I would have just been locked up sooner. I have no hope for the future, all my dreams crushed or impossible, I am leech and a monster. If this was a place negative comments where allowed, I would have hundreds saying to go through with it and just end it. Believe me I think and ask for death everyday, is this the day it can end, is this the day a vigilante will finally end me. I live a waking hell and wish my life on no one, not even my worst enemies. The only small thread that is keeping hanging on is my wife but it is a small thread that gets pulled tighter by the day and maybe only a matter of time before it snaps and then then I will make society happy, because I will be permnantly gone. I had to get this out because I can't talk to my wife because she will go into seizures because of the anxiety this would cause. If I violated anything I am sorry, if you want me gone I understand because everyone else does but my wife. Thank you.