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A life ruined and left with no hope

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Wrath, Mar 24, 2016.

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  1. Wrath

    Wrath New Member

    I want to start out saying I am sorry to hear about everyones problems and struggles. I am not sure how much I am comfortable with writing down but I will try to at least get some basics.
    I have ruined my life, not one event but almost all events that just keep spiraling down hill, everytime I think I hit bottom I fly off a cliff and down another mountain. I am not talking about drugs or anything of that nature.
    I am 33 years old and have been married over 10 years, with no kids. I have no job (for over 3 years),no income, no car, and absolutely nothing my name. My wife suffers from PNES and can't work because of the seizures, we are trying to get her on Social Security but she has no income either. We live with her mom who has paid and continues to pay for everything for us over the last 7 years. I have a culinary degree but owe tons of money in loans that are in default.
    I was committed into a psych ward for suicide 8 years ago for 4 days. They were so quick to say bipolar but after a few years of none of the bipolar meds working even maxed out they ruled against bipolar and went with anxiety disorder with ocd but prescribed me nothing and took all the pills away.
    I then proceed to ruin my life and my wifes life. I was locked up for almost 3 years. While I was down my wife cheated on me but just told me 2 months ago after being back over 3 years. I know I messed up because I have to pay for it everyday for the rest of my life.
    I can't get work because of the nature of my crime and I can't qualify for government assistance. I am essentially a diseased mutt waiting for the day when he will be put down. I have to beg for everything and I have to sit by while my wifes condition gets worse.
    There are so many days that go by that I regret not going through with my suicide instead of getting help. My crime stims from childhood and if I would have seeked helped about it, I would have just been locked up sooner. I have no hope for the future, all my dreams crushed or impossible, I am leech and a monster. If this was a place negative comments where allowed, I would have hundreds saying to go through with it and just end it. Believe me I think and ask for death everyday, is this the day it can end, is this the day a vigilante will finally end me. I live a waking hell and wish my life on no one, not even my worst enemies.
    The only small thread that is keeping hanging on is my wife but it is a small thread that gets pulled tighter by the day and maybe only a matter of time before it snaps and then then I will make society happy, because I will be permnantly gone.
    I had to get this out because I can't talk to my wife because she will go into seizures because of the anxiety this would cause. If I violated anything I am sorry, if you want me gone I understand because everyone else does but my wife. Thank you.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just want you to know I read your post and am here to listen if you need to talk.
  3. Wrath

    Wrath New Member

    I am sorry you had to read but thank you.

    I am just stuck with no hope and not enough courage to finish myself off and that is a dangerous place. I guess I was just reaching out in vein to find an answer one way or another.

    I know they say there is always hope no matter what, suicide isn't the answer but I just prove that wrong and nothing I have seen or been told has changed that. So I thank you again for having to read it.
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am sorry for all of this that has happened to you.

    Is there any programs for people who have had a conviction? There are such things in my country that helps people get back on their feet; a lot of those are actually in the culinary industry. Would that be something you could look into?
    I am sure you're not as awful as you view yourself. There has to be a hope somewhere.

    Please don't give up on yourself. Keep fighting!
  5. Red Nightmare

    Red Nightmare Well-Known Member

    You can try going to some churches. I attend sometimes a large church and met an ex-con there who is now working and happy. I think some members of the church helped him find work.
  6. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    Don't let the depression win, that is what it wants, fight it.
    No one here wants to see you gone. The times I have been here have helped me tremendously.
  7. Jenumbra

    Jenumbra SF Supporter

    Sorry for the troubles you're experiencing. Jobwise, along with the other recommendations, my suggestion is looking on Craigslist or some local job board for odd jobs where they won't need an application or advertise something yourself like dog walking, yardwork, etc. Good luck and take care.
  8. Wrath

    Wrath New Member

    Thank you for your words of encouragement and advice. If it were as simple as being an excon, I would not have any issue finding help and into some awesome programs but I am not thief or murderer. No I live in Nazi America, where I downloaded a few horrible things and now I have to wear my scarlet letter until I die. I am a 3rd class citizen in a country I was born in. I may not be that bad but in this country it doesn't matter I am automatically the worst human being alive, even though I didn't have any physical victims. That's why I say I am a horrible person who doesn't deserve to be in this world.
  9. Red Nightmare

    Red Nightmare Well-Known Member

    I think I understand what you're hinting at. If you're sorry for what you did, then you deserve forgiveness and another chance. Plus you already served your time.

    You have to forgive yourself first and not call yourself a monster. You're a human being. You also should forgive your wife.

    I am sorry about your situation and wish good things for you.
  10. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    Hang in there friend, you will make it.
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there and welcome to the forum, I am sorry to hear your wife cheated on you and you only found out recently. Have you forgiven her? May I ask why you think a vigilante would kill you? I don't know the crime but obviously you have done the time. Keep talking to us here and we will try and help as much as possible and remember we will not judge you in the slighest! (hugs)
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