A life without hope

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by UtterlyHopeless, Sep 25, 2013.

  1. UtterlyHopeless

    UtterlyHopeless New Member

    I live a life without hope. The best I can do is find sites like this to let a little pressure off by expressing my thoughts and feelings. I know deep down inside thought its only a temporary reprieve.

    My 1st suicide attempt was at age 12. I am 43 years old now. I have known for more than 20yrs I had "issues" that would one day cause be problems. I could bore you with the details, but lets just say today I am a person who lives a life he despises. I despise myself, my past, my present and the future I know I am doomed to face.
    I am so utterly alone and so very very tired of fighting the good fight. Even now as I type this, that little voice in my head is telling me "why bother?".

    Nothing is going to change...ever. I have made too many mistakes. I have become to cynical, to jaded to even try and get help. Its pointless. I will never know love. I will never be happy. I will never know financial stability. I will live in a constant state of yearning, wanting things that most people take for granted. I am a 7 time convicted felon. I lost my driving privilages back in 1994, and they refuse to give me back my license inspite of a court order that says I should never have lost it. I dont have the money (or the energy) anymore to fight it. No one will listen to my pleas.
    I cant find work as a result, and even if I did I would not be able to get back and forth to a job seeing as I have no transportation. There is very limited public transportation in my my small midwestern town. I have no friends to help me. I have shut everyone out of my life and the few who do still try to be a part of it, I continue to push away.

    I know nothing but shame and regrett. I live in constant fear knowing that in February of 2014 I will be going back to prison for my inability to pay my court ordered fines and restitution (yes - I will go back to prison. I already checked with my P.O.). I am doomed..with the fear of what will happen to me in prison. I am only 5'6" tall and weigh 170 lbs. I dont need to explain to anyone with half a brain what will happen to me.

    There is no other way out for me. I have tried over and over to "fix" my life, each time I fail. I cannot go back to the local community mental health center because I have been there already in the past 5yrs and I am ineligible for more free treatment until another 5yrs has passed since my last failed completion of attendance to group.

    I just want this nightmare to end. I have no wife, no kids...no one that depends on me.....no one who will truly be effected (other than emotionally) by my death. Pain fades with time.

    Why should I be forced to endure another day of this hellish life just so that others around me wont have to hurt? How is that fair to me???

    Its not..and I wont do it. As soon as I can get my hands on a gun or some other sure fire way to end it all..I will.

    Till then all I have are sites like this to help me endure a life that is truly without hope.


  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    First of all, welcome to the site. I know you say it's only a temporary reprieve, but it's something, and so I hope you'll let us try to help and support you.

    Why are you pushing away the people who do care? This is something I hope you'll reconsider... not saying having people around can change your situation or make everything okay, but sometimes it can help just to connect with someone you know genuinely cares. And as a person who's been pushed away by people who are trying to protect me, I can say I'd rathher be allowed to make those sorts of decisions for myself, not have them made for me. Hope that makes sense.

    I don't have all the answers, but I'm listening if you feel like talking. You wouldn't be boring anyone if you want to share the details of what you've been through, but that's completely up to you. Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to talk.