A lifetime of depression

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by my own enemy, Oct 26, 2013.

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  1. my own enemy

    my own enemy Member

    I've always felt this way. Ever since I can remember. Never had any real friends, a dad who -I feel- hated me and inflicted some severe psychological trauma on me... I would rather have been beaten up every day.

    During birth I had 2 heart attacks and coming out I was getting strangled by the umbilical cord. For the first 3 years of my life I cried constantly and only slept a few hours a night.

    As a child I got bullied in school, only to come home to get bullied by my dad. So I started collecting pocket knives. I would lay them around and under me, hoping I that one of them would get pushed in my stomach while I was sleeping. I thought it wouldn't be as hard on my mother if she thought it was an accident.

    When I hit puberty I thought this feeling would go away after puberty. So I made myself a promise when I was 16. A promise for my mom, that I would at least hold on until I was 30. If I still felt this way when I was 30, I think everyone would agree that I held out as long as I could. In 5 weeks and 5 days I'll be thirty, I still feel like worthless piece of shit almost every day.

    When was coming out of puberty I discovered drugs. <edit mod illegal substances>. for about 3 years I did this on a daily basis. It's the only time where I was truly happy, where I didn't want to kill myself and where I made a lot of friends and even had girlfriends all mainly because of the < edit mod illegal substance>

    I got sober and returned to my true self again. I pushed everyone and everything away from me until I was all alone again. I felt (and still feel) out of place when I'm among other people, my own family even...

    For the last few years I've been seeking help. I've talked to my family, I've seen my own doctor, I've seen psychiatrists and psychologists. I've tried about 6 different anti depressants. All to no avail, so I stopped with that, thinking nobody can help me. I've tried working out, bought a guitar, bought a motorcycle, learned other languages, I worked in all kinds of places (elektrician, bartender, webdeveloper, painter,....), I moved abroad and came back again because nothing can change the way I feel.

    I always thought "If someone, just ONE person could look into my brain. could see and feel the world the way I see and feel it, they wouldn't blame me for wanting to kill myself". But nobody can. Nobody can understand how I feel.

    Five weeks until I hit 30. Every day after that is extra. I've waited long enough. So much to do. I have to arrange my funeral, for which I don't have money. Pick songs (I've been doing that for the past 15 years so it'l be hard to choose) and make booklets for it. But how many? Who would come to my funeral?

    I'm wondering whether I should make goodbye-videos for my mom, my godmother, mu aunts, my sisters, niece and nephews, and of course my godchild. He's seven now, already has a hard life in front of him... How will he react to this... And of course for my asshole father who's suddenly treating me like a prince since I was 16, but only after a member of the family threatened to kill him if he didn't stop terrorising his kids. I know what I'll say to that a-hole, ending with the blunt fact that HE is the main reason I feel like this and that he is the main reason I'm dead.

    But what do I say to the ppl I love? To my mom, my godmother, aunts and sisters. And especially to my godchild... how do you say goodbye to a child? How do you tell him you're a coward who can't handle this life?

    And how will I do it? When I was a child I thought I would <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>. Quick and painless. But now... I can't do that to the innocent ppl on the road, they'l be traumatised for life and it will cost my family a lot of money. Now, I would like to fall asleep and not wake up, in the comfort of my home, cuddling my dog (what will happen to her???). But I guess I wont find a doctor who's ready to euthanise me on grounds of depression, however unbearable it is...

    I would like to tell my family, prepare them for this. But it will only extend their grief with a few weeks BEFORE the funeral. They will try to talk me out of it, but my mind is set. I feel even worse for doing it because I don't want to hurt them. And it will completely tear apart the family. A family which is already quite broken... But thirty years is long enough. This has to stop, I did all I could...

    Five more weeks... still don't know how to do it, I've been thinking about that question for at least 15 years...
    I would choose euthanasia (painless and without blood and gore all over the place), but people who don't know anything about how I feel have decided that's illegal for someone like me... I have a box of <edit mod total eclipse method>enough for me to never wake up? I could <edit mod method> We'll see.

    It feels good writing this. To get a short version of my life off my chest, without it being directed by some pillpusher who doesn't know me... Maybe I'll have one of my good episodes in 5 weeks, maybe I'll wait till after the holidays... for my family. But I know one thing: I wont live to see 31. That's for sure.

    I'm posting this here because I hope someone, somewhere will read it. I don't know why, I just want my story out there, I just hope that one of the 7 billion humans out there will understand how I feel.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 26, 2013
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    From what get from your post you anger your sadness stems from your fathers abuse of you get therapy for that deal with that and you can heal Why let him have more power over you by ending your life Why punish the ones that love you why make them suffer over his actions from long ago. You get right therapist and you heal inside
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. I am so sorry your father abused you so much until you were 16. Seems like he was able to do a tremendous amount of harm. Sounds like he stole a lot from you. I am sorry that happened. I have heard that no matter how hard it is, that life has a purpose. Eveen if we cannot see it. I suffer. I have a mother who was vengeful toward me. She wanted to see me suffer. and she made sure she did. Have i recovered? No. I really have not. I did work over the years on recovery. And I hope to continue to work on it. Every little bit helps. I really do think there may be something to that old idea that each life has an important purpose. For me I think its to heal what I can. Which may be bigger than I realize. Even if I am never free of pain and mental illness. I do not expect to be free of that, by the way, I am not going to lie. I pray a lot to be dead. For this awful life to be over. But somehow I dont want to cut off my chances of doing whatever healing, however small it may seem, in future years. Just my own thing. I guess. I dont expect others to think as I do. And again, I really do pray a lot to be taken in my sleep. I hope somehow things can get better enough so you can add some time to that 30 year limit. I am glad you decided to join this community
  4. my own enemy

    my own enemy Member

    @total eclipse: writing this down, I came to the same conclusion. But I'm unable to convey this to therapists. I can't cram my feelings in weekly appointments of 45 minutes. When I'm there, I'm fine and I ask myself what the hell I'm doing there. And I feel the therapists think the same. With those therapists I can't really get to the point for some reason.

    @both: thanks for your reply, but another problem is that I AM my father. The same asshole he is, however hard I try not to be. It's why I push everyone away. Every now and then a woman is interested in me and I get excited about it, but I quickly remind myself that I cannot live with another person. I would make her just as miserable as my dad made his family. And I certainly can't pass on these rotten genes to a new generation.

    So what's the point if you have to enforce this utter loneliness upon yourself, to protect others from yourself...
  5. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    Sometimes , living with another person, can bring out the best in you. it sounds like you are pushing people away, because deep down you are used to being miserable, and that would change that. Everyone is afraid of change, so naturally you are pushing away what could potentially bring you up. How will you ever know, if you never try?

    You are 30 in 5 weeks, thats 5 weeks to try things you'd never thought you'd try.... what have you got to lose from it?
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