I've always felt this way. Ever since I can remember. Never had any real friends, a dad who -I feel- hated me and inflicted some severe psychological trauma on me... I would rather have been beaten up every day. During birth I had 2 heart attacks and coming out I was getting strangled by the umbilical cord. For the first 3 years of my life I cried constantly and only slept a few hours a night. As a child I got bullied in school, only to come home to get bullied by my dad. So I started collecting pocket knives. I would lay them around and under me, hoping I that one of them would get pushed in my stomach while I was sleeping. I thought it wouldn't be as hard on my mother if she thought it was an accident. When I hit puberty I thought this feeling would go away after puberty. So I made myself a promise when I was 16. A promise for my mom, that I would at least hold on until I was 30. If I still felt this way when I was 30, I think everyone would agree that I held out as long as I could. In 5 weeks and 5 days I'll be thirty, I still feel like worthless piece of shit almost every day. When was coming out of puberty I discovered drugs. <edit mod illegal substances>. for about 3 years I did this on a daily basis. It's the only time where I was truly happy, where I didn't want to kill myself and where I made a lot of friends and even had girlfriends all mainly because of the < edit mod illegal substance> I got sober and returned to my true self again. I pushed everyone and everything away from me until I was all alone again. I felt (and still feel) out of place when I'm among other people, my own family even... For the last few years I've been seeking help. I've talked to my family, I've seen my own doctor, I've seen psychiatrists and psychologists. I've tried about 6 different anti depressants. All to no avail, so I stopped with that, thinking nobody can help me. I've tried working out, bought a guitar, bought a motorcycle, learned other languages, I worked in all kinds of places (elektrician, bartender, webdeveloper, painter,....), I moved abroad and came back again because nothing can change the way I feel. I always thought "If someone, just ONE person could look into my brain. could see and feel the world the way I see and feel it, they wouldn't blame me for wanting to kill myself". But nobody can. Nobody can understand how I feel. Five weeks until I hit 30. Every day after that is extra. I've waited long enough. So much to do. I have to arrange my funeral, for which I don't have money. Pick songs (I've been doing that for the past 15 years so it'l be hard to choose) and make booklets for it. But how many? Who would come to my funeral? I'm wondering whether I should make goodbye-videos for my mom, my godmother, mu aunts, my sisters, niece and nephews, and of course my godchild. He's seven now, already has a hard life in front of him... How will he react to this... And of course for my asshole father who's suddenly treating me like a prince since I was 16, but only after a member of the family threatened to kill him if he didn't stop terrorising his kids. I know what I'll say to that a-hole, ending with the blunt fact that HE is the main reason I feel like this and that he is the main reason I'm dead. But what do I say to the ppl I love? To my mom, my godmother, aunts and sisters. And especially to my godchild... how do you say goodbye to a child? How do you tell him you're a coward who can't handle this life? And how will I do it? When I was a child I thought I would <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>. Quick and painless. But now... I can't do that to the innocent ppl on the road, they'l be traumatised for life and it will cost my family a lot of money. Now, I would like to fall asleep and not wake up, in the comfort of my home, cuddling my dog (what will happen to her???). But I guess I wont find a doctor who's ready to euthanise me on grounds of depression, however unbearable it is... I would like to tell my family, prepare them for this. But it will only extend their grief with a few weeks BEFORE the funeral. They will try to talk me out of it, but my mind is set. I feel even worse for doing it because I don't want to hurt them. And it will completely tear apart the family. A family which is already quite broken... But thirty years is long enough. This has to stop, I did all I could... Five more weeks... still don't know how to do it, I've been thinking about that question for at least 15 years... I would choose euthanasia (painless and without blood and gore all over the place), but people who don't know anything about how I feel have decided that's illegal for someone like me... I have a box of <edit mod total eclipse method>enough for me to never wake up? I could <edit mod method> We'll see. It feels good writing this. To get a short version of my life off my chest, without it being directed by some pillpusher who doesn't know me... Maybe I'll have one of my good episodes in 5 weeks, maybe I'll wait till after the holidays... for my family. But I know one thing: I wont live to see 31. That's for sure. I'm posting this here because I hope someone, somewhere will read it. I don't know why, I just want my story out there, I just hope that one of the 7 billion humans out there will understand how I feel.