A Lifetime of Doubt

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by SinisterKid, Jul 3, 2016.

  1. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    This began when I was very young. My brother is 4 years older than I am and we used to share a bedroom. I think what happened often happens if the circumstances are right [sic]. Our home life was not exactly stable, violent father, even more violent step father, major arguments most nights and a lot of fear.

    I think initially, my brother and I just found comfort in each others arms, cowering under the sheets as our mother took yet another beating.

    It came right out of the blue. One night, with the usual shit going on downstairs, I got into my brothers bed as I usually did. I felt safe when I did that. To my utter surprise and amazement, he kissed me, sexually, full on the mouth. I could feel his erection, even though I had no idea what that meant at the time.

    I actually enjoyed the kiss, it felt right. My brother loved me, this proved it. He held me, he kissed me, he made me feel wanted. I didn't get that kind of attention from anyone else.

    This went on for months and it felt natural, it felt right. My brother was encouraging me to hold his erection, which I did without fear. He told me what to do and I did it without question. I looked up to him, he was my big brother and he loved me and protected me.

    Slowly, it transformed to oral sex. I always gave, never complaining. I gave him pleasure, which in turn gave me pleasure. But a subtle change was taking place because he began to expect me to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. I did not want to disappoint him or piss him off. I just wanted his approval and his love. But I was not enjoying what was happening anymore.

    Partly due to the deterioration in our relationship, and the fact I hated my step father meant I left home at 11. I never really considered what happened between me and my brother as abuse. It was something that happened, something we both enjoyed and we both consented to.

    The problem was, this led me to question my own sexxuality. I still do to this day. Last year I met a man and for the first time fully intended to have sex with him. He arrived at my home and we talked, drank tea, but it felt wrong to me. I could not cheat on my partner, not in our home. So nothing happened.

    Then the shit hit the fan, suicide, hospital, mental health blah blah blah. But these feelings are resurfacing again. The attraction towards other men is back and my mind is telling me to do something about it. Shit, I have enough going on right now and I dont need this on top, but as with most thoughts and emotions, I feel powerless to control them.

    The hurt the suicide attempts caused others was hard to live with. I just cant imagine what this could do if it should ever surface. I guess like most things, I hope if I ignore it for long enough, it will just go away.
     
  2. Dmseattle

    Dmseattle New Member

    I just joined this forum and was thinking about the relationship between you and your brother. I am not sure I would call it abuse either. Both of you needed each other and he was older and more sexually interested. You were there. You both were victims of the difficult situation. I would not hold ill feelings for that for either of you. Often, society wants to tell us that we are supposed to feel like victims or that we definitely are victims.

    I hope things go better for you. Obviously, I am struggling too or I would not be here.