A List

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Hache, Feb 7, 2012.

  1. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    • I don't have a girlfriend
    • I've never been in love or a proper relationship
    • I've not been wanted by any girl in 8 months
    • I've had to move back in with my parents
    • I have no independence
    • I have no career, can't get a proper job
    • I have no friends anymore
    • I have no social life
    • I have a mundane job
    • My heart is unfit and unhealthy even though I am extremely skinny
    • I am ugly
    • People at work pick up on the fact I am a bit of a loser
    • I get mocked for being timid
    • I'm boring
    • I have paid a recruiter to help get me some work experience that will mean I get to leave here and start again somewhere new, but it isn't happening so far
    • I'm stuck waiting, trapped, unsure if it will change, unable to change what I have now incase that comes up then I have to go again.
    • It was meant to happen a lot earlier but better people are going for the same job. I'm not good enough.
    • I can't let my family know I am depressed because they will put pressure on me to go back on meds, which I don't want
    • The older I get the more likely suicide becomes. I don't want to die, but the part of me thinking about it gets bigger every day.
    • When I was younger i'd self harm, but now I am past that stage I have anxiety attacks and think of suicide, it is worse than cutting because there is no release.
    • I only get out of bed when I am starving to the point I cannot take it anymore
    • I hate night times, I cannot sleep.
    • I don't know where my next friend will come from
    • I don't know if I will ever be in love or in a relationship
    • I don't know if I will ever have a career
    • I am wasting away waiting for something to go my way and I can't take it
    • Most of all I am ALONE.
  2. suzy

    suzy Well-Known Member

    hi Hache

    that is a long list and i read it

    we have talked many long hours in the past... both at times that things were alright and at times they are like now

    my thoughts are that when you needed to be a friend to someone you did your best with me

    so i always thought some of the things you did accually helped you

    but they appear on this list as things you can say they are things not helping in the present

    i am glad to read part of the list saying there were things already behind you and not part of this list

    its not enough for me to acknowledge just part of what you wrote

    i know what isolation is... and i dont want that for you

    but i also remember from before how it is where you live now

    there are truths in what you write but there is also you

    and you are the most important thing

    please try for the time being not to let the anxiety attacks reflect a feeling of not being able to "take it"

    your life is not a waste
    as it is there is promise in your life because small things have changed today

    to say more wouldnt help in my mind
    your friend
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun perhaps if you can hun try to get out of that bed each morning even if it is just to go outside and get a breath of fresh air okay It is important hun to change the way you do things because in doing so then your moods will also change I do hope you can mix things up a bit okay try go for a walk each day but quit isolating you You cannot meet people inside hun
  4. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    Thanks Suzy, its good to hear from you again, that meant a lot :)

    The thing is if I get out of bed early it means more hours to waste before going to work. When I am hungry and have to get up earlier than normal by 1 or 2 hours its more painful waiting, more lonely.

    One of the biggest problems is also the lack of independence, having to live with my parents at 24. Throughout my youth I never told my parents anything, I wasn't open with them and so now as an adult I feel like I don't want to do anything whilst i'm here and whilst my parents will know everything I do. It's like being shackled to this house.

    I'm trying to change it, as I have said I have paid for someone to help me get something related to my uni degree, but it doesn't look likely. I'm sitting waiting for it to come off. What if it doesn't happen? I'm trapped waiting for it to come off, I can't build a life here because if I do get the job it will involve moving far away, if I make commitments and connections here I wont want to move. Besides I wont be able to make a change until I move out and become free again but I can't afford to do that as I have a crap job not a career.

    I am trapped and the uncertainty is not good when alone.