I don't have a girlfriend I've never been in love or a proper relationship I've not been wanted by any girl in 8 months I've had to move back in with my parents I have no independence I have no career, can't get a proper job I have no friends anymore I have no social life I have a mundane job My heart is unfit and unhealthy even though I am extremely skinny I am ugly People at work pick up on the fact I am a bit of a loser I get mocked for being timid I'm boring I have paid a recruiter to help get me some work experience that will mean I get to leave here and start again somewhere new, but it isn't happening so far I'm stuck waiting, trapped, unsure if it will change, unable to change what I have now incase that comes up then I have to go again. It was meant to happen a lot earlier but better people are going for the same job. I'm not good enough. I can't let my family know I am depressed because they will put pressure on me to go back on meds, which I don't want The older I get the more likely suicide becomes. I don't want to die, but the part of me thinking about it gets bigger every day. When I was younger i'd self harm, but now I am past that stage I have anxiety attacks and think of suicide, it is worse than cutting because there is no release. I only get out of bed when I am starving to the point I cannot take it anymore I hate night times, I cannot sleep. I don't know where my next friend will come from I don't know if I will ever be in love or in a relationship I don't know if I will ever have a career I am wasting away waiting for something to go my way and I can't take it Most of all I am ALONE.