Been debating on posting this or not as I'm usually pretty closed off, especially about my past, but I've got nothing to lose anymore so here goes. Growing up I was a very happy, shy but out going kid, who loved to make people laugh. I grew up not knowing my father which was tough but not really something I thought about much until my early teens. My family consisted of my mother, sister, brother and myself and we never had very much money but made due with what we had. Xmas of 2002 we got a computer, our first, and for the first month or so everything was great. Eventually my mother started spending more and more time on the computer in chat rooms, eventually to the point where that's pretty much all she did besides going to work. I believe it was April or May she told us that she met a guy from the middle east who she was going to go be with and marry him, in those few months she started saying some really hateful things to me and my siblings that a parent should not ever say to their kids. She told us that she didn't care what happened to us because she was going over there regardless, I was 13 at the time and didn't really know how to process it all. Eventually we found out my uncle and his daughter would coming to "take over" once my mother left. My uncle was known for being abusive, he beat his own wife and children when they were younger and he's a very hateful person. So my mother leaves us and my uncle moves in. At first, everything was great, he was nice and he let me stay out late to hang out with my girlfriend and friends, which as a kid made him the best person on the planet to me. But over time his true colors started to shine through as he became more hateful by the day, by this point my sister had found another place to stay so it was just me and my brother. There was days where if it weren't for my friends mother or a boys and girls club, I would have gone without food. I still tried my best to stay strong for myself and my brother, as strong as a 13 year old can be in that situation and for the most part I ignored everything as soon as I walked out the door and pretended everything was fine. My social life was actually great, I was in a weight lifting class and was in good shape, I had a girlfriend I loved more than life itself and I had great friends. People at school respected me, I was doing good with my grades, got along with all my teachers and was still the happy, wanting to make people laugh guy I had always been. Eventually my brother found a place to stay as well so it was just me left with my uncle, who was now hateful as ever and had given up trying to be any type of "guardian" to me. Around the middle of grade 8 I found out my "father" wanted me in his life and to get me out of that situation I was in. We went through the courts and I was placed in his custody, I still hadn't fully processed everything but I'll never forget sitting in the court room and crying, not a full on break down but enough where I tried to hide my head so no one would notice. My father lived pretty far away from where I had grown up, the school I was going to and all my friends so I had to move and that was probably the most hurtful, depressing thing of all (at the time) because I was leaving behind the place and friends I had known for so long. For the next few months everything was going good, I made a couple friends, but when grade 9 came around I was starting to become more angry, upset and retracted from everything and everyone. My girlfriend had broken up with me over the summer because of the distance, I was bullied in grade 9 and that was the turning point, I haven't been the same person since. I became extremely depressed, pissed off at the world and I would not let anyone get close to me. I would go to school, come home and play video games or on the computer and did not want to go hang out with anyone. I had completely given up, my grades dropped in everything to the point where they were in the 40s-30s, if not worse, I was skipping all the time and would not talk to anyone. That went on for pretty much all of high school, I didn't graduate, never went to prom and never had someone I would truly call a friend my entire time in high school. I was depressed and gained a lot of weight which was kind of a viscous cycle, I was depressed and angry so I would eat but then I'd see how much weight I was putting on and I'd get even more depressed and angry. I had a falling out with my father, decided to give my mother another chance and I moved back in with her. I started working full time and living on my own which was the best thing for me, I felt independent and was finally seeing a sliver of hope that I could, one day, be happy again. Unfortunately I left one job, went to another, was let go and back living with my mother where I've been the past several months. I've lost almost all contact with all the friends I once had, I don't really have any friends and spend all day in my room. I'm as depressed, anti-social, angry and suicidal as I've ever been. There is rarely a day that goes by where I don't think about just ending it, ending the pain, ending the hate and honestly the only thing that keeps me going is my siblings but even that's slowly getting harder to stop me from ending it. I have nightmares about the things that happened when I was younger and I've never really talked to anyone about it until now, it's something I've buried deep inside me and even everything I've typed is not all of it. My mother belittles me, treats me like a child, takes jabs at me whenever she can and when I do something she doesn't like she goes off the handle and acts like a child and it angers me even more. I've been unemployed now almost 9 months, I'm running out of money and hope. Hope that somehow I can manage to put the pieces back together, pull myself up and keep on going. I really have nothing to keep going for, I have no education for the type of career I want even though I could do it easily I just don't have a stupid piece of paper showing I can, I have no friends and my life consists of waking up, turning on the computer and sitting in a chair all day. If I didn't think it wouldn't hurt my sisters and brother I would go through with it, but I just don't want to put them through that. I miss my friends, I miss having a life outside of these four walls and most of all I miss being actually happy. There's little moments and things that bring a brief bit of happiness, but the underlying feeling of just being depressed and hopeless is always there, haunting me from within. If I don't find a job within the next 2 months I will run out of money and I think at that point I will have no other choice, I would rather be dead than live on the streets especially at this time of the year. As an atheist I do not fear death, as a big brother I fear hurting my siblings as they are the only people I truly love and care about. Sorry for the long post, I thought getting this all out would help but it hasn't.