Hi all. I'm a South Asian male of nearly 29 years. I've been suffering from depression for a very long time; my earliest suicidal thoughts were when I was about 14 years of age. I've been coping with it to the best of my abilities without any outside help (you wouldn't believe the social stigma which surrounds suicide and depression in this region). It's always been incredibly difficult to motivate myself to do anything, because due to my upbringing, I was compared with many of my peers and I formed the mindset that I will always be second rate. Couple that with my low self esteem, and you get a chronic underachiever. My childhood wasn't all that different from any other Asian kid growing up in Asia, so I know my parents aren't to blame (if that were the case how could we ever stereotype the over achieving Indian son/daughter who's become a doctor/lawyer/financial consultant?). My social life isn't wild, but I've got a few close friends with whom I spend nearly friday night with, and I've had a few girlfriends, and I'm currently being stalked by a girl who has all but tied me to a tree and forced me to marry her (she isn't my type, but the word "no" isn't in her vocabulary). I've been breezing in and out of jobs since leaving school; I did attempt to follow a Bachelor's degree twice, but my lack of motivation got the better of me and I dropped out. And then in 2006 I finally got my break where I joined a good company, and made a good reputation for myself, despite the fact that I lacked all academic qualifications required for the post. My post required me to fly out to locations all over Europe and America, and for a span of 2 years, I was finally happy with myself; I was earning good money, I was traveling (something I had always wanted to do) and I enjoyed the work I was doing, and was good at doing it. However, late last year I had a falling out with a manager, which eventually led to my dismissal. So 6 months later, here I am, with no job, and in the worst state of mind I've been in since I can remember. I have a snowball's chance in hell in finding any job, let alone one like my previous, mostly due to the fact that the western economic crisis trickles down far more quickly to offshore IT firms than anything else, and partly because I still have no qualifications beyond high school and my work experience. I spend my days locked up in my room, I'm even avoiding seeing my family and friends because I feel so ashamed. I've applied for jobs, went to a dozen interviews but they never called back after shortlisting. I feel like an utter failure, and have been wondering if this is all there will ever be to my life. I have no money to spend on university again, and loans are obviously out of the question. I feel the only way out of this is to end my life and spare my parents the shame, at least this way they'll blame it on my mental illness and be done with it. I don't know why I'm posting this, because this isn't really a cry for help, since I'm beyond help at this point. I guess I just wanted someone to know how I felt, without fear of being branded a head case. Thank you for reading and feel free to share your honest feelings about this post.