A little about me...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by acalthu, May 10, 2009.

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  1. acalthu

    acalthu Member

    Hi all. I'm a South Asian male of nearly 29 years. I've been suffering from depression for a very long time; my earliest suicidal thoughts were when I was about 14 years of age. I've been coping with it to the best of my abilities without any outside help (you wouldn't believe the social stigma which surrounds suicide and depression in this region). It's always been incredibly difficult to motivate myself to do anything, because due to my upbringing, I was compared with many of my peers and I formed the mindset that I will always be second rate. Couple that with my low self esteem, and you get a chronic underachiever. My childhood wasn't all that different from any other Asian kid growing up in Asia, so I know my parents aren't to blame (if that were the case how could we ever stereotype the over achieving Indian son/daughter who's become a doctor/lawyer/financial consultant?). My social life isn't wild, but I've got a few close friends with whom I spend nearly friday night with, and I've had a few girlfriends, and I'm currently being stalked by a girl who has all but tied me to a tree and forced me to marry her (she isn't my type, but the word "no" isn't in her vocabulary). I've been breezing in and out of jobs since leaving school; I did attempt to follow a Bachelor's degree twice, but my lack of motivation got the better of me and I dropped out. And then in 2006 I finally got my break where I joined a good company, and made a good reputation for myself, despite the fact that I lacked all academic qualifications required for the post. My post required me to fly out to locations all over Europe and America, and for a span of 2 years, I was finally happy with myself; I was earning good money, I was traveling (something I had always wanted to do) and I enjoyed the work I was doing, and was good at doing it. However, late last year I had a falling out with a manager, which eventually led to my dismissal. So 6 months later, here I am, with no job, and in the worst state of mind I've been in since I can remember. I have a snowball's chance in hell in finding any job, let alone one like my previous, mostly due to the fact that the western economic crisis trickles down far more quickly to offshore IT firms than anything else, and partly because I still have no qualifications beyond high school and my work experience. I spend my days locked up in my room, I'm even avoiding seeing my family and friends because I feel so ashamed. I've applied for jobs, went to a dozen interviews but they never called back after shortlisting. I feel like an utter failure, and have been wondering if this is all there will ever be to my life. I have no money to spend on university again, and loans are obviously out of the question. I feel the only way out of this is to end my life and spare my parents the shame, at least this way they'll blame it on my mental illness and be done with it. I don't know why I'm posting this, because this isn't really a cry for help, since I'm beyond help at this point. I guess I just wanted someone to know how I felt, without fear of being branded a head case. Thank you for reading and feel free to share your honest feelings about this post.
  2. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    hiya Acalthu,

    I am so sorry to hear that you are currently feeling so down and alone,, i am not much good at this sort of stuff but i can listen if you want to talk
  3. acalthu

    acalthu Member

    That's ok litl3r3d, it thank you for taking the time to read my post.
  4. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    I just wish i could do somthing:unsure:
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello Alcalthu,

    Welcome to the forums.

    I can totally relate to everything you just said. I can't get a job either..its frustrating. Please don't feel ashamed about it though,many many people are in the same situation because of the recession. I hope you'll manage to pull through,keep talking if it helps xx
  6. acalthu

    acalthu Member

    I doubt my life is salvageable at this point in time. Once what little money I have runs out I'll literally be dead in the water.
  7. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    That i completly relate to, some people say money makes the world go round, i put it to you that money can make some peoples world collapse
  8. acalthu

    acalthu Member

    Indeed. Those who say money doesn't buy happiness are obviously lying because they must've spent a lot of it on buying whatever recreational drug which causes that delusion in the first place. Money may not have mattered 200 years ago maybe, but that certainly is not the case now, and not at least since the last century.
  9. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    I definitly agree with that

    no such thing as the simple life anymore as every aspect of it is going to be touched in one way or another by the so called powers that be
  10. Faber

    Faber New Member

    Hello acalthu, Im in almost same situation as you are. I lost my job for two months ago because of my own fault, I made a intentional failure, I regret what I made, it was not my plan to end like this.
    I´ve been working in the same line of business for almost ten years and I´ve been making my career pretty good.
    I feel also frustrated of the situation, going to interwiews, sending applications.
    I hope you could continue with your studies. In my country studying in university is free.
    Try to make some plans for your future and find all possible ways to find job and education. Sooner or later the economics will get healthier and then there will be jobs.
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