A little guidance...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by PrismBlack, Dec 26, 2007.

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  1. PrismBlack

    PrismBlack Member

    I'm feeling VERY suicidal again and I know I just recently had a crisis so I'll try to keep from hitting a crisis again. :smile:
    So anyway, the ex I was talking about before is named Naomi. It turns out that she went insane, apparently. I just found out she does have feelings for me hidden deep down, but she went insane the day she left me.
    The day after she left me she had impulsive sex with another guy trying to form a relationship with him, didn't work. Too bad for her.
    Tonight I met up with her and talked to her in person, which made it clear she wasn't in her right mind anymore. That's when she told me about the sex. At the time I hadn't buried the love deep inside, I told her I didn't care and I loved her anyway, as was true. She got pissed off that I didn't care. She kept saying things distinctly to piss me off, and it didn't work. I got a hug from her after dropping her off, hinting there's still feelings there, then she exploded on me like I had raped her or done something equally as bad. She said things that made me decide I would bury her and not have anything to do with her, because she obviously wasn't Naomi.
    I sent her a message on Facebook before adding her to the block list. In the message I told her she wasn't Naomi, and that Naomi was dead. I told her that Naomi was the girl who was leaning on my shoulder and the girl kissing me so passionately with her eyes closed in the pictures of us, that Naomi was the girl who got drunk and cried herself to sleep on my bed begging me not to break up with her while I laid next to her and comforted her for hours, and then stayed up all night to watch over her and make her breakfast in the morning. I told her I loved Naomi, but not HER.
    Her response was angry as per what I thought it would be. We exchanged insults for the next three hours over text message, as it was her only means of contacting me since I had blocked everything from her including calls. At 11:13pm -- I was at a hookah bar with my friend Nick at the time -- she sent me the message "i want my fucking sims back" referring to my copy of Sims 2 Pets borrowed from her. I told her okay. Six minutes later I got "and kevin's sword too" referring to a six foot long sword, which my father had bought Kevin (the ex best friend) months ago at a convention, that had been sitting in my room with my sword collection.
    At midnight I gathered her Sims 2 Pets, the sword, the Outlaw Star series DVDs which I had bought her, and a stuffed penguin she had got me named Winston to which I had stuck a pin saying "My cat wouldn't approve" that she had gotten me at an anime convention. I brought them to her mothers apartment and she heard me drive up and came outside saying, "I don't want the penguin," to which I said "Not my problem, here's your shit," and promptly turned and got back in my car. and drove off. She kicked Winston into the grass nearby.
    She slung a few more insults at me and said the Outlaw Star DVDs were mine and she didn't want my shit. I told her I bought it for her, I didn't care, and she could throw them away if she didn't want them.
    Twenty minutes ago she sent me a text telling me she "knew" I didn't care and that I wished she were dead (not true) but that she really loved me and she'd miss me for a long time and that she was sorry. I responded telling her that I did care, and that I didn't want anything to do with her right now. She told me she was sorry again and she wouldn't talk to me again. I told her that if she ever loved me again to tell me and I'd decide if I wanted to go through with it, I also told her that she could talk to me but respect me, I added that she knew how I really felt and said good night. She didn't respond again but I think the point was clear that my mental abuse actually did good and brought her back to sanity, even if just for a few minutes.

    Well anyway, the really bad suicidal feelings stem from after I dropped her off and proceeded to look at and lock away the pictures of us and restrict her from contacting me. They're still here even now and I'm not sure what I should do about them.

    I'm posting for advice and some helpful words or quotes to keep me going. Thanks everyone, you helped me before and I know you can help me again. :hug:

    Edit: I drove by her apartment, she brought Winston inside. If she's still herself she's probably hugging him while crying herself to sleep. I hope to God she's still herself.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 26, 2007
  2. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    From the look of it she has very strong issues to resolve. I am sorry things have gone the way they did, but perhaps in time, when things have calmed down you could suggest counseling and go for some yourself. You do not mention your age but i'd guess you are both young. Has this anger mode of expressing-abuse like from your words been going on for some time or always adressed at your regards?
  3. PrismBlack

    PrismBlack Member

    We're both 18. I'll be 19 in a month and a half and she will be in four and a half months.
    I'm not sure exactly what you're asking, but I'll try to answer. While I was growing up I was mentally abused by both of my parents and physically abused by my father. I went through abuse in the school system with teachers and was often illegally restrained in grade school which physically hurt. When I get really angry at someone I tend to drop all my emotion towards them and berate them with a constant stream of insults directed at their weak points until they are emotionally drained and concede to me. Usually people cannot return insults at me or struggle very hard to because I'm a really good person and it's a mystery why people tend to hate me so easily. Last night all Naomi could think of calling me were things like coward and useless which are just throw-away insults by this point in my life. I, on the other hand, just wore her down with barrages of mental attacks. I used the word whore a bit along, I brought up her dad again and when she lied about something right after I hit her again with a liar and told her to go **** some more guys impulsively because that'll help her. I also messed with her using smilies.
    I don't know if that answers your question. :sad:

    This morning I woke up and I've been feeling real bad still, it almost reminds me of how I was in the past only not as rough. Grrr. I'm sick of feeling this way, I spent five years this way I don't want to go back to it.

    Right now I'm sorry but I have to go to the hospital for some testing. I don't really want to talk about that right now unless it turns out it is serious after all. Hopefully I'll be back on tonight if they'll allow my laptop in the hospital.
  4. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    Hey dude.
    First of all, Granny's right - it sounds like this girl does have some pretty serious issues to resolve. Secondly I think you probably didn't handle yourself as well as you could have talking to her. Did her dad actually have anything to do with the conversation? Cuz if not, and you just brought him up because it would bug her, thats totally not cool. Same with calling her a whore and telling her to "go **** some more guys randomly." Just cuz people have hurt you in the past doesn't give you a right to do that to other people.
    Why exactly do you feel so bad right now? Because you fought with her, or because she's not herself, or what?
    Hope your tests turn out fine. Best wishes!
  5. srnityblu

    srnityblu Well-Known Member

    Hello, Do you mind if I say something? It is sad that Naiomi isn't herself but she has issues that need to be fixed, and its unfortunate but you cannot fix them and be her knight in shining armor. You are not responsible for her getting help and recovery, and driving by her house is only hurting you in the end. Clean breaks are few and far between but you need to stop dwelling on what you once had with her. You have made a decision to let her go, which is a good desicion. You have to stick to that desicion made and do not allow guilt or her actions guilt you into anything. This is her issue, and her "sleeping" with someone else, is just another twisted game playing tactic. Weather this is real or not, there are deep seeded issues and I do not doubt that she is playing with your heart.

    You need to distance yourself from this and heal. Begin doing that by cutting ties off with her, do not post anything on myspace, infact limit your time to the computer, and perhaps go for a walk, spend time with other friends, or do other activities such as finding hobbies. Try to occupy your time in healthy ways so that she is not monopolizing your mind and time.
    Allow yourself time to heal before you get into any other relationship with a girl, but please do not feed into Naiomi's ego by placating her. It isn't healthy and it doesn't help you in any way.

    Your life should never be centered around someone else, and thier rejection of you should never be the end all be all to your security in who you are. You were "SOMEONE" before you met her, you are "someone" Still, and you will continue to be after the memory of her has faded. You were someone in her eyes, but you are someone STILL in others eyes. DOes that make sense?

    You are a wonderful person with alot to give, but never give all you are to someone for them to tred and step on. You are no one's door mat! You are a person who has hopes and desires and that suddenly does not dwindle or disappear once you start dating someone... UNLESS YOU neglect it. People are not responsible for your reactions of things, or your feelings. YOU are. You are incontrol of them and they do not rule you again, unless you let them. You are the maker of your future, no one else, no girl or guy can ever bring you happiness. Your happiness lies within you, to give to take and to enjoy.

    If you need closure with Niaomi, write a letter, and burn it, send it down a river, but letting her know how you feel by having the last say, hoping that if you say this one thing, it will help, will only prolong the pain for both of you and it only adds to the "what if's" she and you both have. Putting doubt and adding to her pain will not help her heal. If you ultimately have to let her know. Let her go in a letter, let your words be succinct and to the point.
    " I wish you well, be happy" But don't add " Your eyes were so loving in this picture, " It only shows your pain and your hurt, and it says to me that you are looking for her to give something ( Emotionally) to you that she is unable to give. and it is only adding to your pain. Wish her well and move on. Learn to move on. You are young, with many girls yet to come into your life.

    Take each day as it comes, acknowledge the pain and do not let it over come you, find something in that day that makes you smile and build on that. Make it an affirmation to smile and allow yourself discover enjoyment in small things. Allow yourself to laugh. Laughter is wonderful for healing. Learn to laugh at yourself, at silly quirks about you, it aids in acceptance of yourself and who you are and who you are to be. Life is all about choices, and the sooner you can choose to be happy and rise above advesity, the easier your future will come to you.

    God Bless, Shannon
  6. PrismBlack

    PrismBlack Member

    Okay well, as I said earlier I had to go to the hospital for testing. I had my laptop running there the next evening but I didn't feel like going on a suicide help forum at the hospital because I'm paranoid. Well I'm doing it anyway, I'm still at the hospital, because I need help making a decision. Here is a slightly modified (for more relevance here) copy of a post I made in another forum related to a video game where I feel welcome and like I have friends, so I trust them to help me make a decision, just like I trust everyone here:

    "The tests came back and it turns out it's not cancer. It's something more treatable but it's highly uncommon for someone of my age.
    I have an unruptured brain aneurysm. Basically a blood vessel in my brain developed a weak wall section. What happened is that this section ballooned up and is filled with blood. From what I was told this happened recently and so they said I was lucky I actually developed symptoms (Only something like 40% of people who have them develop symptoms before they rupture and symptoms can come and go without notice in most cases.) and that it's extremely treatable through surgery or a minimally invasive procedure. Without treatment they said I'd have anywhere between three months and two years to live depending on how much stress and strain I went through. I told them I'd have to think about it, and of course because I'm only 19 (almost) they're stressing me to treat it. The more effective procedure, in which I'd be out of the hospital in a month or less, is very expensive. The other option is much less expensive, except there's a chance I would have complications or end up with slight brain damage, and I could be in the hospital for three or more months and I could be recovering for over a year. I'm not sure if I would want to put the financial strain on my parents to pay upped insurance costs after the expensive treatment, and I'm not sure I'd be prepared to take the risks of the less expensive option.
    Before I decide if I actually want to treat this I've decided to get input from everyone I'm in contact with, whether I know them personally or not. This includes all of you. I want you to help me decide, keep in mind that I honestly don't know if I even want to deal with my life how it is for much longer. Even if I decide not to have the surgery, it would be easy to have it later as long as the aneurysm doesn't rupture, which has a high chance of killing me in a matter of minutes or leaving me permanently brain damaged.

    "Do what you think is best" is an acceptable answer if anyone doesn't want to give a direct answer... I look forward to everyone's opinions. Also feel free to discuss if you've known anyone who has had a brain aneurysm and how they coped (if it was unruptured or if they survived a rupture)..."

    It's just, I'm still feeling suicidal and with this now on my shoulders I'm feeling very accepting of death, like it's my fate to die at this early age. I feel as though God has dropped this in my lap so that I don't have to sin and can die painlessly and guiltlessly.
    I'm still confused though. I know my mother and father love me, and my brother said he'd feel guilty if I died. My sister doesn't know I've been feeling suicidal lately or about my recent attempt yet. My friend Nick stayed up with me all night a while ago even though he had work the next day because he didn't want me to be alone. My only other friends tried really hard to talk me out of suicide, but avoided any ideas to actually see me, which makes me feel like they just don't want to feel guilty. Naomi and Kevin, along with about five other people I used to know, have told me repeatedly recently that I should kill myself.
    My mind is telling me that the people who still want me around aren't enough to keep me going and certainly aren't going to make my life happy and worth living.
    I just don't know what to do. Part of me wants to me to just end it as soon as I get out of the hospital, another part wants me to wait until the aneurysm ruptures, and yet another part wants me to give life another chance. That last part is just so tiny though, I've actually started despising that part of me since it's repeatedly failed me and just proven that the longer I wait the worse life becomes.
    Please help. :sad:
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