a little help pls

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MoAnamCara, May 24, 2011.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I'm getting tired of always doing this, posting here and elsewhere on SF about poor old me. Its getting old, I'm sick of this pity party.

    I don't know what happened this afternoon but my mood has tumbled. Its like I'm okay for a day or two or half a day or something and then all hell breaks loose again.

    Am tired of these feelings of I don't know what. I don't know what they are. Sadness I suppose. Tired, soooo tired. And the thoughts, those thoughts sneak back in.

    Feel like I'm missing something, I just don't know what that something is.

    I don't want tonight to get worse, thats what I'm afraid of. I won't do anything permanent as I need to be here right now. But what I'll do, I don't know.

    Wishful thinking again that I just wasn't here at all.

    I don't like these empty feelings, the anger that creeps in, the lonliness that is ever present.

    I know this is overkill, I'm sorry folks. Its stupid and I feel stupid posting. Just looking for something today, reassurance or a kick in the behind maybe.

    thanks.
     
  2. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend

    Our illness is a silent one ..you cant see it feel it or touch it from the outside. It isnt that you are feeling sorry for yourself its that you are not well. Until you are well it will keep coming back. You are doing the right thing by posting and getting how you feel out there. It will be ok ! keep posting ! love always xxx
     
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    :cry:

    Thank you.
     
  4. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    You want a kick in the pants? Let me see if I can accommodate you.

    STOP SAYING THAT YOU ARE SORRY, YOU'RE NOT SORRY. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE SORRY ABOUT.

    Now that the kick and the pants portions is mostly over with let's get to the meat and taters. We have little control over what thoughts enter our mind, but we do have control over what we choose to dwell on. When negativity and negative thoughts enter our mind we can choose to embrace them and let those thoughts control our self image and future thoughts, or we can let the negativity pass through our thoughts and replace them with thoughts of a better quality. It isn't easy but can be done, and having thoughts that we don't need in our heads doesn't make us any sort of failure as long as we strive to better our situation and self image.

    One last little kick in the pants, since you asked.
    STOP WORRYING ABOUT PEOPLE THINKING YOU ARE MAKING A PITY PARTY REQUEST.
    We are all here because we want to know that we aren't alone. We all want to know that people care. I care :arms: that much. So do many others.

    Let me know if you need ANYTHING even if you need another kick in the pants. I am here for YOU. :hug:
     
  5. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend

    i can see you are dealing with more than most. Theres no shame in struggling under the burden. If you need someone to shout at scream at or just talk to im here *big hug* xxx
     
  6. Growing Pains

    Growing Pains Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure I can give you a kick or anything, but I wanted to say that you shouldn't feel sorry and you definitely shouldn't feel stupid for posting. Post as much as you need if it helps you. :hug:
     
  7. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you, you guys, from the bottom of my heart.

    I'm in tears after seeing all of your posts.

    I appreciate it, and the kicks in the behind are good too

    I know I'm not alone, so many have it worse, I feel so alone though.

    But thank you for taking the time to respond, sincerely.
     
  8. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    always here...but its good to vent, and dont feel bad for doing so....you are stronger than you think. :hug:
     
  9. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks Ice

    Everyone keeps telling me that, even my therapist.

    I don't feel it, it angers me, upsets me and frustrates me. I don't feel strong. If I were strong I wouldn't have these thoughts that I don't want to have, I'd be able to push them away.

    If I were strong I'd be able to manage perfectly fine right now. I'd never feel overwhelmed, never want to numb myself, not start this si stuff again. I hate keeping all of this to myself, yet thats what I do. Why do I think people will care or reach out when I don't share?

    I'm sorry, nt trying to be negative Ice, just getting more worked up.

    I really appreciate all of your responses. Not sure I should keep talking.
     
  10. marmite

    marmite Active Member

    hello I don't know you as i am new to site but just to say hangon in hope you feel a bit better real soon.AS bt says it's good to talk.
     
  11. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    marmite - thanks

    sometimes talking gets me in trouble, i'm mostly the thinker instead of the talker.
     
  12. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    i understand exactly what you are saying, i hate it when peeps say "you are strong" stuff...it just feels like more pressure and none of us needs more pressure.

    my sentiments are the same as yours, as if i was strong i wouldnt this that or the other but as was pointed out to me v recently, if you werent strong, you wouldnt even try. so the fact you are trying, under difficult circumstances shows we are all stronger than we think. please dont ever see yourself as weak or failure...very strong negative emotions that can cloud your mind.

    take care...and hope today is better

    :donut:
     
  13. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Today is a bad one, I hate to ask and expect help all the time. It makes me feel worse in a way, yet I know I need to ask for help.

    I just need someone to care today.

    To help me get through.
     
  14. marmite

    marmite Active Member

    Hi I care I know what it is like to feel very bad and they are real feelings.I had a social worker who said it is ok to feel sorry for ourselves as depression is a real and horrible illness.Hope you feel better soon try and treat yourself to something you would enjoy,bubble bath,a book,a film,magazine or I find chocolate always works for me.Thinking of you,you are not alone.Caroline:IrishDoll:
     
  15. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    i care now get your butt on msn !!! xx
     
  16. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you both

    Am not sure what to do, going to try going outside for a bit and doing something in garden. Might work out some of the kinks in my mind.
     
  17. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I talked with crises folks via that instant msg thing - I cant' call anyone right now.

    I don't know what to do tonight, I need to get a grip.

    Wondering on calling therapist to leave a msg - but whats the point? I don't know whats wrong - just overwhelmed once again and sad.

    This is so stupid, I'm just getting more angry with myself.

    I am sorry, so sorry. What am I going to do? What can I do?
     
  18. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi
    I just found this thread. I understand about the self judgements. I go there more often than not. But FYI, I do not think what you are feeling is stupid or wrong or bad. I think its painful, and not your fault. From my heart to yours, I am sorry for the pain. Its horrible to deal with and try to handle. And then there is the self blame. But you are not to blame for this pain. I can say this, and know its true. And yet, I know how hard it would be for me to believe it for myself. So if you cannot believe that, I understand. You ask " what am I going to do? what can I do?" Maybe stay in chat here? Post post post. But I hope you can believe me when I say that what you are feeling is not your fault. And there is no pity party going on. Nope, Not even a teeny bit. Can you be in chat with people here? And can you call another crisis line? I know its hard. You say you are sorry. I am sorry you are in this place of such huge pain. Its not your fault. And yet it does hurt so intensly.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 31, 2011
  19. mulberrypie

    mulberrypie Well-Known Member

    hold on, moanamcara! wait for the overwhelming feelings to subside. it's not easy, but youre doing great. we care about you. dont be afraid to reach out for support. <3
     
  20. starryeyed

    starryeyed Well-Known Member

    How are you today
     
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