A little more hope after a severe episode.

During the weekend I came very close to ending it, if I had had an easy way out I wouldn't be alive right now. Perhaps luckily I'm too scared of pain to have gone through with it in a violent way. Today I got my act together a bit and went to the school nurse, she's going to forward me to a shrink so I can talk to someone. I also told my guidance counselor about my problems and have an appointment to see her on wednesday. Knowing that I made that step forward to inform the school about my problems have lifted a bit of stress off me. Hopefully I can arrange something so I wont get kicked out as I'm behind quite a lot in my studies. I also got some bad news from this girl that I like, well good news for her. It seems she met some guy and they really hit it off. I'm happy for her as she's a good friend but I can't deny that feelings of hopelessness and being alone forever came rushing back to me.

I'm now almost certain that I have bipolar disorder. I've been reading up about it and all the symptoms describe me to a tee. I'm a very creative person (I write poems and music and used to paint) and apparently bipolarity is very common in creative people. It's so clear now. I get these rushes where I feel almost godlike filled with ambition followed by periods of groveling in the dirt.

I need to abandon all thoughts on forming a new relationship now, I'm not in the frame of mind where it can happen. I'll just end up burning my wings badly again. In reality I don't think I want a girlfriend as much as I want to fill up the black hole inside my soul. During my manic period I was studying pick-up art and at first had everyone convinced I was this complete womanizer. Of course it crumbled as it wasn't congruent at all with was inside of me. My mission now is to focus solely on myself even if it means I will sit alone at home every single night. I can't afford to crash and burn anymore.

Thanks to anyone who read this, and thanks to SF forum for existing. You are such wonderful people. :smile:

 

It sounds like you have a plan, well done.
You are right, you must know yourself and I think try to be on an even keel before you can think about a relationship. Otherwise the person you are with may not be the person you want to be with (or who wants to be with you) when you become stable.

 

It is so wonderful that you told someone and have begun to get the care you deserve. That is both wise and brave. I think it is not well founded to diagnose one's self, because sometimes, we take on the symptoms of that label...when you are comfortable, and if you feel it would be helpful, maybe someone can refer you to a professional who can provide you with a diagnosis...but the most important is effective treatment...please go with an open mind and an open heart...people can only treat the person who is reveal to him/her...best of luck with this new passage, and keep us posted

 

Hi hun i hope your appt with the pdoc goes well and that you get the help you deserve okay to start healing Once stable you then can think abt a relationship okay but for now all the time you spend must be on YOU okay to help you heal.