Hey all , I'm new here so not sure how this forum works quite yet. And to be honest I feel almost stupid and embarrassed to come here. But think that i need anyone's support. I have no idea where to begin. But reading through posts, it always seems telling the story to begin with seems to help. So again sooo sorry if its long. Forgive me. I guess this all started when i was young. We had a group of friends about 14 or so that we met with everyday, did everything with, no madder what the weather. After doing this for a few years, we became like family. Out of a random day, one of the girls in the group committed suicide. Somehow this triggered us all to be a little suicidal as she left us. And being so young most of us said if she went we will follow. It was dark times, we were kids i guess, but most of us started cutting mostly among other stuff. It all stopped when 2 other followed. And somehow, over time we all stopped. Maybe the devastation of 3 friends, shook us i cant remember. I ended up being forced to get help, more for behavior ( unknowing to my parents due to the lost friends). I tried to keep that information as far from my family as possible. I did not want them to suspect me, and such.. So I was put in a locked school type thing. Counseling, Guidance, Therapy ect. Went from there to a open one, where i went to school then afternoon stuff and came home. Eventually, I got to go back to a normal school and see some of the old friends. I have hid the fact that i have been to those places from anyone. I do think it helped a bit, or i just grew up. But was scared by hurt and learned to hide it very well. So to make things short all that was followed by, a 5-6 year relationship including long distance due to moves ect, a young marriage, a young divorce, another school, dating quite a bit, 3 overdoses ( which I dont like talking about really, but I think the last one messed my health up big time however i was not sposste survive so at the time it did not madder.), Several jobs, and 4 other attempts and alot of other drama and things. But this all stopped when i fell in love 4 years ago. She was perfect, everything a guy could ever dream of. So smart, cute just everything. We alot of ups, and a ton of downs. Mostly my fault, some hers but mostly mine, from stupidity. I for some reason had a hard time keeping a job, so since this was the main issue i joined the army, but due to school back in the day i had to wait a while before i could go. The date came and things were not in place as they should have been. So it got delayed until mid next year if i pass a certain written test. She left me on the 11th, and my world shattered. And as a note, my entire family just seems to tolerate me, i think truly hates me since i could not hold a job, family drama ect. I have almost every certification for webdesign and media but no actual degree. So now, I had to move back to my mothers who just hates me being here as she says but does not want me on the street. We lived together in an area about 30 mins from both our parents. I sold my car as we did not need 2, my credit was not so great from my ex wife and me, and she has perfect everything, so the apartment, other car ect was just put in her name. Point to that, is I am so isolated here in this house, so alone as i cant leave. Yes, i am looking for work within a 2 mile walking distance to save up for a car, as i lost everything in the breakup, including our bank account as a note i worked from home, but sometimes the income slowed and other times it sparked. So i did put in. And i think to myself, would it not have been better to end everything while we were still together, so at-least i would be happy? I cant no madder how i would try to describe the devastation of the loss of this 4 year relationship. That was the only thing keeping me going, I hope we get back together, but as it seems that will not happen. So we have been distancing ourselves a bit. My heart is broken, frozen, I dont want anyone else inside it. I finally told her, that she will find happiness no madder what and i would be supportive. I know that sounds stupid, but i love her so much that just seeing her happy would be worth helping her find happiness. Even if it is not with me due to the past. I cant talk to her about it, do not want her to feel bad ( its not about her exactly just such pain and devastation), cant talk to family, friends are tied up between us so cant really do that either, If i seek medical help you get disqualified from the army and those chances disappear and my family would disown me which they have already it feels like so no big difference , If i try and fix my actual health ill also be disqualified (i know that sounds weird) but if i don't ill end up with a heart issue and die anyways... I started cutting again, to help release. But its slowly becoming not enough. I have amazingly somehow made it through some tough attempts, and I am on the border of falling. And i know in my heart, that if i tried it again there would be no more pain. The thoughts creep every time i cut or see something reminding me of previous attempts. And each day that passes i fall deeper into this. Memories of seeing the aftermath of lost friends seems just to make it worse and more desirable. Please forgive me for writing so much, and don't hate me. I do not want to bother anyone it seems i have done enough of that already. I am so near the edge and am so desperately considering it so i searched online for help. You don't have to respond, nor do I expect you to, but if it would not be to much trouble for you i would so deeply appreciate it. help.