A little scared now

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Rand, Dec 23, 2007.

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  1. Rand

    Rand Active Member

    Never thought i'd feel like this on the lead up. I had planned a date to leave this life, this date is coming closer but, and i've never been like this, i'm actually a little scared.

    the previous attempts i had never felt like this, i just went ahead and did them. but they weren't planned out at all, more as a result of a trigger. more of a hastened effort.

    this time i've planned and ordered materials. now that i have almost everything and time is getting shorter, i'm starting to get scared.

    i'm still convinced i should do this. i'm even now looking at my feet, my legs, my body. and i feel 'out' of it already. feel as if i'm leaving a body behind, as if its not mine. dont want that to sound too freaky.

    is this normal? i felt in control of all of this but i didnt expect this.

    btw i know my first thread started off as a promise to a friend, but to be honest ppl here seem to know what they're talking about. this is why i'm posting this one.
  2. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    Fear is definitely normal

    Though, many others are overcome by a sense of calm and peace when they make the decision you have made. Perhaps your fear means that while you have decided that suicide is something you should do, it isn't something that you really want to do.

    Between now and your chosen date, I suggest you devote 100% of your time to thinking this decision though.
  3. Rand

    Rand Active Member

    No its not something i want to be doing. Just dont see much other choice.

    I'd stay and fight if i only knew that i'd be contently happy one day. But fighting for the last 5-6 years hasn't made a difference. I'm not willing to stay if what i've lived through in that time, is all thats going to be ahead of me.

    I know i'll be hurting ppl, i know i'll be leaving behind any chances of happiness. I think the pain and frustation for all the years have finally made the decision.

    I'll def think, but i don't think much will change.

    Thanks for replying.
  4. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    I feel the same way about wanting to know for sure that I would at some point be happy in my life. If some cosmic being descended from the clouds and let me know, I would have a reason to live and would carry on through just about anything.

    But like you, I often project what has happened in the past onto what may happen in the future. Know this: the possibility that you will be happy again sometime in your life is greater than you being unhappy for the rest of it. None of us know how our lives will unfold, all we can do is make educated guesses.

    Whatever your decision is, I hope you eventually find peace in it.
  5. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    Rand, this time I will be short. Notice as well as we did already the contradiction in what you said. Should you fail to notice you will not really hear us out.

    Hug to you dear.

    Granny x
  6. Rand

    Rand Active Member

    well no my original thought was that no-one could ever tell me something new. i was wrong in that assessment. ppl here seem to know whats really going on. so yeah i'm listening now. thats been proved by the ppl who have taken time to reply to me. i thank you all.

    i used to think no more bad could possibly ever happen to me or even affect me, i was wrong in that also. i just feel that the future holds so much more bad as thats all that seems to happen to me now. like i've already had my share of good.

    just cant see how i'm supposed to now believe that good will happen, and that i'll be happy.

    but thats not the reason i'm scared. i dont know why. i'm frustrated once more, on top of being scared.
  7. aqaq22

    aqaq22 Well-Known Member

    I feel I crossed this threshold recently too, that there is not enough room in my life any longer for good...that, all the good that was going to happen in my life has passed. It's a shit feeling. And, I'm very sorry for using that language, but there is a time and place for everything, and that word's time has come when it comes to describing these kinds of feelings.

    My only observation is that your fear, and "discontentedness" about your decision to die is, for my part, a healthy, human, and natural feeling. We all want to live Rand. You're feelings are perfectly natural.

    Do not kill yourself. I know it's not "open-minded", I know it's not cool, I know it's not "understanding" to say this. But, I'm tellin' ya, those feelin's your havin' are there for a reason. Listen to them please. They are tryin' to tell you something. You don't have to go thru w/ it.. I believe, we all deserve a chance at a future that's useful. You have a chance at that future. When we kill ourselves, we've taken ourselves out of the game before the final inning. Before the final pitch of the game. Do like I do. Change your mind. It takes a strong individual to change his/her mind about anything. If there is one thing we all have a right to do, it's to change our minds. We all have that right as thinking, intelligent human-beings..

    If you'd like to hear what loss can do to a person, pm me. There is hope, as long as there is breath. And, your's is screamin' at ya right now.

    life can be a real pisser sometimes...it's part of any human being's journey

    hang in there Rand.
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