a little scary

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ckeppa, Dec 20, 2008.

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  1. ckeppa

    ckeppa Active Member

    i think im going to kill myself soon...its scary knowing i have such little time left. but ive never felt so relieved. so now im tryin to find an exact date and place, sit back...and enjoi the time i have. im sorry i guess i just had to tell somebody, at least this way i wont get the looks ;p
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Please don't do this to yourself. You only get one shot at life. Please don't throw it away. :hug:
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello Ckeppa,

    I hope you reconsider hun :hug: You will be badly missed :( What has triggered you to make this decision? please find at least one thing to hold on to, there must be someone you love, I'm always here if you need to talk, feel free to PM me, take care :hug:
  4. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Hey there,

    Welcome to SF.

    Life can get pretty hard and crummy. What's making you feel so down?

  5. mourningseraph

    mourningseraph Well-Known Member

    Hi ckeppa, welcome to SF! :biggrin: I know exactly what you mean. I don't have much time left either. I decided on the location, date and time about a year ago. It's kinda weird for me because I'm stuck between feeling relieved that things will be over but afraid too. If you don't mind me offering a little advice... if it's at all possible could you wait at least a year to do it? Alot can happen in a year to change things for the better. :smile: Suicide is a heartbreaking way to die. I dont want anyone feeling the way I do so if you need someone to talk to please don't hesitate to PM me. :smile:
  6. ckeppa

    ckeppa Active Member

    i just have a hard time holding onto reality for long enough to make common sence. i feel like an infant again, i cant think for myself. and i keep trying to find something, someone. but it seems to always get shot down. i also starting burning myself. its relieving. i have anxiety attacks all the time. i have depersonalization disorder and have been depressed for years.
    and i couldnt start with how lonly i am....
    and i have alot of triggers, but most of them dont make sence...
    it sucks to because i can still remember the times i were happy.
    i used to be normal. gf, good in school, no drugs, friends.
    but i threw EVERYTHING away.
    and ive repeat everything that used to make me happy to see how i feel, but im so numb now...burning is now the only thing that gives me feeling.
    im just another failure, ya live, ya die. im ready to go...just need to set my plan. and i dont think i could hold out another year. life is getting worse by the day. the most i could wait is about a month or so. but no set date yet. still looking for a pistol.
    thx 4 ur imput and readin all the bullshit, <3
  7. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    It doesn't sound at all like bullshit.

    It sounds like a really frustrating period of your life! Do you know if you want to hurt yourself, or would you like to kill off those bad feelings and annoying symptoms?

    We're here to listen,

  8. Starlightx

    Starlightx Member

    Burning isn't going to help - it does more harm than good. If anything, I think self-harm intensifies these feelings. It may be a coping mechanism, but is it a healthy one, is it helping you in the long-run?

    Triggers don't always make sense, but being able to identify those triggers is good. Make a list of everything that triggers you. Work on one trigger at a time and try to eliminate it from the list, solve whatever problem is behind that trigger. If you can't get the trigger out of your life, brainstorm ways to avoid that trigger, or ways to keep yourself safe and grounded when you're feeling triggered.

    Are you currently seeing a counselor, could you perhaps tell your counselor about how you've been feeling? If you think you're in danger of seriously harming yourself, ring an ambulance, check into the hospital...your safety is important.

    And, just because things might not be the way they used to be...doesn't mean you can't go back to the time when everything was okay. You can make everything good again; you just have to try.

    Take care of yourself.
  9. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Please reconsider this. Things are hard right now, but things always get better. :hug:
  10. ckeppa

    ckeppa Active Member

    february 1st is the farthest date set. i feel it will be in mid-january but i wanted to give it another month to see if i can get thu it. and if so, see if i can make it another. and so forth. and thats how ive been trying to improve myself for years, but i never make it that extra month. ive tried to muster up all my triggers, but they usually trigger when i think of em...then it gets bad.
    but here's my shot....my triggers,
    school, i am in the 11th grade. i failed public school, went to private school, dropped out *reason below* and tried online school. and the trigger is when i try to log in, i freeze. i cant move and if i try to read the work i panic and quit. and the falure caves in and make me feel useless. and if i dont do some work soon they kick me and thats it. another door closed.

    my ex, she became my life, and completly changed it. i was with her when my depersonalization triggered. i lost alot of friends around then as well, i went to a privite school to get thu and to be with her...mostly to be with her. then we broke up. i crashed. the trigger is when i think of her, i cant breath and i want to fall on the floor and cry.

    my sex life is ruined. she took my v-card...i took hers, we had an amazing time for about 9 months....then one night another trigger went off. and now He's to sensitive.
    laugh laugh...its ok, at least i cant here u...
    so the tiggger here is when i look at any attractive woman or think of Her, it reminds me i cant fuck anymore and it not only Ruins my self esteem, it makes me Very anti-social

    witch brings me to my next trigger, ive lost every friend ive ever had. i work, i sleep. when i get home i sit in my chair and do nothing. sit. wait. i kept trying to keep in touch...open up again. but every time i tried it got worse. and now i can barly hold a conversation let alone start one...so now whenever i see old friends or ex's...i go blank, i cant think and im ocward and quite...im so lonly. the only way to feel at all normal is to smoke weed
    Next trigger!

    ive been smoking marijuana and cigs heavily everyday for the past year+...it makes me feel normal but i have to smoke every day....all day. only to crash at night time and burn and cry myself to sleep. so the trigger is that everytime i smoke it reminds me that my life is dependent on drugs and that im destroying my body....leads me to my next trigger!

    cigs make me not eat and has givin me cronic stomach pains. i weight 100 pounds exactly. im 5,6, 17 years old. normal or not ive been called alot of names because of my weight. weed has destoyed my brain...my god i cant tell the difference between yesterday and a week ago...another reason i have a hard time doing school...ive smoked myself stupid in a desprate attemt to stay happy. id say it failed, but i cant tell...im to high.

    thats my daily life. im remined a little of each trigger every day. slowly tearing me apart and letting what problems i have get worse. my will to live has been ripped and shredded apart. now that ive set my date, ive been happy. today i had a smile all day, talked more normally and didnt worry about school...i feel all the responsability. gone. i dont have any worries...im dead in a month.

    so james to answer your question. i do want to end everything that brings me pain, but i dont want to hurt anyone and i more feel that i am doomed to my death because i will never be the same.

    dear god...i dont even want to read all that shit. if you made it allll the way down here, i deeply deeply thank you. <3
  11. ckeppa

    ckeppa Active Member

    ps. im pretty sure with time i could fix everything and live...at least normally, till my natual death. but i dont want to. i want to keep failing in life and end it myself. witch contributes as a trigger. but does that make me a shitty person? do i deserve help if i want to shun it away? im so confused with myself. i guess ive hidden for so long, ive gone insane in my own mind.
    wow...all that deservs a bowl or 5. sigh :/
  12. ckeppa

    ckeppa Active Member

    Driving directions to Great Smoky Mountains National Park
    536 mi – about 8 hours 48 mins

    my place of death.
  13. mourningseraph

    mourningseraph Well-Known Member

    I've read everything you said and I know how hard this is for you. Would talking about things help at all? I'll be here to listen. I don't want you to die. :cry: I'll be your friend, I'll help you through this. I'll do whatever I can to help you. Sometimes all we need is a little encouragement and someone to believe in us to make life more bareable. You can either talk to me or someone here on SF. There's alot of people here who are willing to listen and encourage you. If there's anything at all I can do, don't hesitate to let me know. :hug:
  14. ckeppa

    ckeppa Active Member

    thank you for keeping in good touch mourning,
    and im not sure if it would help. im to anti-social and self-esteem crushed to properly express how im feeling. it takes me a couple of hours to write something, because i have to type it and read over 6 times to make sure everything sounds right, it never does. but i dont know how to fix it. my mind warps whenever i try to even start talking about my problems.
    i dont want to tell the ppl i kno im this messed up, some erge in me screams to not say anything, just to pull the trigger. but since i set my date shits just falling apart. im an ass at work because i feel theres no point to be there anymore. like working your two weeks, you'll show up because u want the money. but ur gunna be doin a shitty job :)
    pretty sure im out of school, another life decision givin up because in truth....im to lazy to live. i dont wanna get on and work...blah, ima just sit on the comp and bitch like i have a reason...smoke weed and pretend my life will get better, im pathetic because i make myself. and now i want to die because im to lazy to get up and fix it.
    o and im realizing im a compulsive liar in person. my life has gotten so dull i make shit up to entertain the co workers because i can no longer hold a conversation or tell an interesting story because the funnest part of my day is being at work...which is the shitty part of there day....makes me feel juuust great....and no im not lying on the forum...i hate talking about my feeling enough as it is. im just trying everything befor i give in.
    im so confused what the fuck im doing rite now. i need to find that fucking pistol. if anyone in florida owns a pistol and feels my pain pm me, any $$
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