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a little story about a life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jonspen, Nov 3, 2008.

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  1. Jonspen

    Jonspen New Member

    On the 24th of next month I’ll be 21 years of age. Another year to go by without any favorable events, another year filled with stress and hard work. Another lonely Christmas to spend alone, another birthday, another reminded of how I couldn’t have felt any more deprived, deceived, and disgusted in my creation.

    The universe has wronged me in too many ways. You realize there isn’t any justice to be found in life. You realize that life isn’t only a tough place, you take away the flames erupting from the ground and we have a fully depicted Hell. I wonder to myself how children can suffer for so many years. How the odds are stacks and overwhelming. Are there any reasons why how I could have awakened every day for twenty years with the same recycled misfortune?
    Is there anything you can really believe in, besides yourself? I once thought that everything was going to work out and the next moment I was devastated. Is this what we call a cheap fate?

    I don’t know what is expected of me, I don’t know what life wants from me. It’s never been about what I want from life – because every chapter, every phase in my life there was this immediate pressure: some sixteen car pileup on the cultural highway.

    Long ago my grandmother gathered her three children in a car and begun to speed. She had the intention of slaying herself along with her children. My grandmother often abused her children in awful ways. My grandmother used to feed her children with dog food. My grandmother is metal ill.

    My mother calls the event a miracle. The car engine had erupted in flames. Trapped in the car and while all seemed terribly wrong they were saved. On the sunny clear sky of a day, in the middle of nowhere they were saved. Within moments there was a down pour, so much that it was enough to extinguish the flames within a matter of seconds.

    Years later when my mother was only sixteen she had passed out at some party. There were a variety of men at the party who decided to take advantage of that. One by one a number of men decided to rape my mother. Today I’m the product of my own mother’s rape. Today I don’t have a father. Today there is a man in this world that doesn’t even realize there is human being on this earth because of him.

    That man deserves to understand the pain that I’ve lived with. Do you know the pain of pulling on your hair, barely clinging to life? The moisture you feel as you run your hands down your face in distress. Do you know the taste of mucus that fills your nostrils and the tears the meet your lip? There is a rage inside of me that feels much like a vice around the chest, slowly tightening around me.

    Then you cling to your shabby blanket in the night, the closest thing to tenderness in your life. That was what I call a childhood.

    I was considered a retard in school. I was often the ugliest kid in the school. I have a lazy left eye and I have mild dyslexia. I was the kid that spent some nights flipping through an old hand dictionary. For hours and hours I did such. For no other reason than to aid me in my spelling. The only aid I had for my homework. I had erased used paper and repeat because I had little to no supplies. I still failed in school. I was humiliated and ostracized for a number of years. I eventually dropped out of high school.

    Everybody has dreams, I had dreams. When you log onto things life facebook and see so many people posting pictures and enjoying life. So seemed to be so much worldly prosperity in these people’s lives, there is innocence, there is joy. You see your friends attending university and enjoying themselves. You see those forming relationships on a constant. You see all these things you wanted for yourself, it hurts.

    Instead I had to witness my mother attempt suicide. I had to deal with a raging alcoholic for so many years. I have almost no family. The closest thing to a relationship I had involved her friends who created lies about me, ridiculed me. There was no dignity or grace because there was only confusion. The only time I felt excited but I was left to bleed dry. There was an intense connection yet still I have no answers. I have no idea. I’m left with something I have to remember for the rest of my life.

    There is no God and there is no reason to have hope. Life is cheap, espeically mine.

    I walk home on a cold dark night from another shift at work. Work some depression 14 an hour job. I sleep and awaken to a new disappointment in my life.
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You know you can do volunteer work to help you not think about your problems. You can work at a homeless shelter, A soup kitchen, a nursing home, a humane society, etc.etc. You don't have to go right home and sit there stewing in your own misery. You can come on the forum and chat with others here who might have a similar problem as yours. Stay Safe!!~Joseph~
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I know it sounds banal, but it is not where you start, it is where you finish...I had an horrific childhood as well, and now use that as my challange to make sure something of value comes from my experiences...it is difficult to find hope, but it is there...wishing you more enjoyable times, J
  4. toomuch

    toomuch New Member

    Your story actually brought tears to my eyes...For you to have gone through such a traumatic childhood but you're still standing, amazes me.

    Now I feel so selfish because I do have family and I do have friends and I love then with all my heart but it has just gotten to a point where I'm so paranoid and I don't know who to trust anymore...People have tried to hurt me in so many ways but I don't understand why.

    I know I'm not innocent...Sure I've gotten drunk, high, gossiped about people but who doesn't? And I feel so bad about it now but I have never meant to hurt anybody...ever.

    I'm tempted to say you have no idea about how much I want to die, but I'm guessing you do...I've just had enough of everything...I hate myself, I hate what I have become, I hate the way I look...I feel like I have no purpose and I'm just a big waste of space...I think if I died people might be sad at first but they'll get over it...But the fact that I'm sitting here writing about all this shows me that I'm still unsure...I'm scared of the torture I might suffer in the Afterlife if I do kill myself...I just don't know what to do anymore.
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    While your childhood was not an experience to be wished on anyone, try not to think that you were wronged by the universe. The world owes us nothing. When we get in this mindset, positive changes can't happen. Things happen because of choice. Not all choices are good ones nor do we control the choices others make for us. Those men chose to do what they did to your mother.Turning to suicide and alcohol are also choices. We often do not stop to consider just how far reaching our choices are. How many things they effect. Maybe you can be the one to turn things around with positive choices. People do not have to be defined by where they come from. You have proven that you are a survivor. Now choose to make a positive difference. :hug:
  6. Jonspen

    Jonspen New Member

    The world owes me nothing and I expect nothing from the universe. I don’t feel others should set values for I, the feeling remains the same for suicide. When you piece together the coincidence and events in my life, you realize there is something more than just choices playing a role.

    I’m not oblivious to the events and people around me. I always radiate strength in my waking life yet I remain extremely empathetic. To reveal that is another thing however. I know enough to realize that life isn’t about the good and the joy. I know and I’ve seen too many people in this life hurting.

    I know and I’ve seen far too many people that don’t have a clue to what it means to be alive. People live in ignorance. When we die we all go to the same place so where is the difference. We live in a place where our reality is nothing more than our knowledge and awareness. Such things are rather vague.

    Guess what, fourteen dollars an hour isn’t enough to support a family. It’s barely enough to support myself. My mother is Caucasian yet I appear to be an Asian male, short and afflicted with ugliness. I will always be confronted with conflict from the opposite sex. I don’t think people understand how incredible challenging life can be for people like me.

    It's tough. I don't need to spend an entire lifetime struggling to obtain things that the millions around me already have. It's rediculous and there is peace in death.

    Life is offering me a lot of diminishing returns. I don’t understand how somebody can counsel somebody through suffering as I consider this my end time. I don’t see why I should have an issue with choosing a manner of my transition.

    I'm been slowly piecing together a suicide note.
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Johnspen,
    What kind of women are you looking for? I know you have heard the saying that beauty is skin deep. You should be looking for someone with a kind soul. wHen I was young I was always changing GF's because I couldn't find one to hold my interest. Back then I was handsome blonde hair blue eyes with a dark tan. I made GF's fairley often.
    As I got older I also got wiser and found that the type of girls I was seeing were shallow. I started dating what some call plain janes. I found them to be more intelligent and actually held my attention.
    Now adays I spend all my time alone(by my own choice) that is another story I won't get into. I think you need to stop and see what you want from a relationship!! What ever you do stay away from the alcoholics because they are set in there life. That is all they want to do. be carefull my friend and Take Care!!~Joseph~
  8. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Jonspen. I'm sorry to hear about the tragic events of your life. I know that you feel that life seems really bleak, but it won't always be like this. You could meet an attractive girl who will make you feel loved and make life worth living again. I really believe that there's someone for everyone. You just have to be open and honest and willing to take a risk. Please don't give up hope on your life. You'll probably never know who your father was, but I'm sure that there was a reason you came into this world. :hug:
  9. toomuch

    toomuch New Member

    Jonspen, You're So Lucky...All These People Who Have Never Even Met You R Trying 2 B Positive N Offer Some Kind Of Guidance N U Talk About Being Alone N I Understand That But Surely This Response Must Have U Feeling A Little Better...
    And I Know U Hate Looking Asian But I Promise U It's A Beautiful Thing...I Wrote My Suicide Note Out In My Head Last Nite But My Mum Was Already Crying Her Eyes Out Over Something Else That To Tell The Truth I Just Couldn't Put Pen To Paper...

    We All Know What It Feels Like 2 B Where U R...That's Y We're All Here
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