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A little unsure.

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Yarrow, Oct 14, 2015.

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  1. Yarrow

    Yarrow New Member

    To be completely honest, I'm not quite sure what I'm doing on this website. I've always known that forums like this existed but it never crossed my mind to join one. By nature, I'm a very shy and quiet person. It feels odd just joining this site because I barely speak to anyone on a day to day basis and I wouldn't dare speak to those around me about how I really felt. Just being here reveals something about me that I'm not comfortable with at all but I think what hit me last night, the sheer intensity of it, out weighs that fear. I broke a promise to myself and then after googling suicide, I don't really remember what I was looking for, I came across this site. I've never been on a forum before.. I'm a bit overwhelmed and completely lost on how to use it but for once, I'm throwing myself out there. So, hello to all.
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Hi Yarrow, welcome to SF. I know how hard it can be to talk to people, especially about how you are feeling. It is easier to open up here because it is anonymous and people understand where you're coming from. I hope being here will be helpful to you.
  3. Yarrow

    Yarrow New Member

    It does seem a bit easier and thank you, I hope so too.
  4. Lazarusz

    Lazarusz Member

    It's my first time also, just like you, Yarrow. My story is that I was watching T.V. (which I always do when I am depressed because prevents me from thinking) and a person talked about <mod edit - toxic site>, and that website leaded me to this one. Recently I've been joining forums to get in touch with different people. I just stay at home reading, studying and getting depressed. I haven't talked to anyone in 4 months, but when I do, I don't mind saying that I'm fed up and sooner or later I'll be gone. I guess we only need to enjoy this forum and wait.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 18, 2015
  5. Yarrow

    Yarrow New Member

    I can see where you're coming from Lasarusz, and thank you. There are people around me everyday but it feels like there's no reason to speak anymore. No one really listens, they're either just waiting for their turn to talk or they just flat out don't care. The people on these kind of forums seem different in that aspect. Maybe it'll do us both some good. I hope you've been able to find what you're looking for or you're close to it.
  6. Lazarusz

    Lazarusz Member

    I hope we both find something useful, Yarrow. Although all these people are overwhelmingly nice that I feel even more alienated at times. A few minutes ago I was thinking if it's healthy to make depressive-suicidal friends. I pictured all of us wandering around a park, with knives in our pockets (although I am not in the habit of cutting myself), writing suicidal notes for fun, reciting depressive poems and spitting on society. I felt sort of pathetic, but I'll give it a try anyway.
    The funny part is that I've never had twitter or facebook accounts, but I've got two bizarre ones: this suicidal forum and a porno-cam site, where I have made some funny-porno friends (my libido is almost next to zero, though).
    Boredom is swallowing me entirely. All I can do is reading for hours, studying some Greek words, and making a list of artists who suffered from depression and/or commited suicide.
    What do you do in your painful-spare time? Have you always had suicidal thoughts? Do you think that some people are born condemned to kill themselves?

    P.S. The motto for this forum should be Schopenhauer's Pendulum idea: 'Life swings like a pendulum backward and forward between pain and boredom.'
  7. Yarrow

    Yarrow New Member

    As do I. I understand what you mean though. I feel as though when I'm on this site, I've stepped into a different realm, one closed off from the rest of the world. It's an odd feeling to try to explain. Although I find that a slightly amusing thought, an army of the suicidal, I don't think it's pathetic. In my opinion, making friends with other suicidal folk isn't unhealthy but I suppose it all depends on what the focus is.

    That is sort of interesting though, it never crossed my mind to make friends on porno sites lol. I have a Facebook but I never talk to anyone on it. Most of the people on my page are people that I used to know but haven't talked to in years. I often wonder why an antisocial creature such as myself has a social media page. Kind of ironic.

    Boredom is a very hard thing to escape though, I know what you mean. May I ask why you're learning Greek, opposed to another language? I suppose that list is very long, depression seems to be drawn to art, almost instinctively. What else do you fill your days with, if you don't mind me asking?

    As for me, I'm slowly becoming a workaholic. It's one of the best distractions I've been able to find. Other than that I read, draw, research odd subjects, watch TV and listen to music. I've been suicidal ever since I was a child, its something that's never really left me. How about you? And no, I don't believe people are born condemned.. I don't believe in anything that resembles fate. Do you believe that?

    P.S. I completely agree. Its kind of funny that you say that.. I often compare my mind to a pendulumn.

    Swing right, swing left. Swing on and on.
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Welcome to SF Yarrow. I am glad you are feeling more comfortable here and are able to share a bit :)
  9. Lazarusz

    Lazarusz Member

    Have you ever explored a desolated cavern? Many years ago my friends and I used to explore dangerous places to avoid boredom, and once we got lost in a "satanic" cavern. I remember the anxiety of being trapped and the relief when we found the exit. My depressions have the same feeling. We all are held captive in caverns against our will. So yes, this place is a different realm, since the emotions here are so intense and opressive.

    Well, with porno friends there's one disadvantage: once you have seen them naked, the only thing you can see is their soul. It doesn't surprise me to see beautiful people waiting to be tipped to show their genitals. Either they suffer from some paraphilia that needs to be satisfied, or they feel so lonely that the only place to feel wanted is there (and many other reasons). I don't judge anybody in the end.
    Maybe you've got a Facebook page because there's still hope in you to make some interesting or special acquaintance. Or maybe it's just that you are apathetic enough to delete it.

    I learn Greek because I love words. I want to know their roots. I also study Latin, but in a superficial way. I have studied languages since I was 18. I can read in 8 different languages by now. Las week I started reading my first book in Greek: Franz Kafka - The Metamorphosis. I'm actually transcribing the book. I make a separated vocabulary list of the unknown words. Deep down, our souls are like Gregorio Samsa: miserable animals who can't manage to get out of bed.

    Yes, depression has to do with art. Last week I read: "Touched with Fire: Manic-depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament". I recommend you the book. I have written 5 novels by now. I only write when I am deep in the hole. My bile is the ink, and depression, my inspiration. But I write in Spanish. It's the only language I can really feel when writing.

    What else do I do? I read from 8:30 a.m. to 14:00 p.m. I eat and then proceed to read in Greek and some German as well. I hate working. Work diminishes humanity; Literature magnifies it. But we all have needs. I usually teach Italian in a private way. The problem is that students are so stupid that they irritate me. I have developed a misanthropic feeling towards humanity. Reading Schopenhauer for the first time was like reading my own mind. Unfortunately, I wasn't born with Schopenhauer's wisdom.

    I aslo have been suicidal since childhood. I can't see myself with wrinkles and pains, waiting to be helped. That's not the main reason I want to die anyway. Not even an important one. "Children are innocent prisoners, condemned, not to death, but to life, and as yet all unconscious of what their sentence means". That's only a fragment. You can read the whole here: http://www.bookforum.com/inprint/019_05/10808

    I wan't talking about fate. I don't believe in fate, god, satan, reincarnation or any other soothing religion or doctrine. I was talking about something (meta)physical. A strange force that make us go by our own hand. I watched several documentaries about suicide, and some people tried to die many times. I felt that most of them had to do it. It was their existential right. That idea seems so cryptic and interesting to me that I cannot even make myself understood.

    Have you ever thought why some people commit suicide in a specific way? I would never <mod edit - methods>To know you are dying must be the strongest experience in life. You can resume your whole existence in the last seconds. Besides, I wouldn't like to make a mess. Don't get me wrong, though. I am talkking totally serious: without morbidity or excitment; only and pure curiosity. And the las question would be: Is it that even the method is wired to our own personalities?

    I don't want to die because somebody raped me (although in my childhood a male neighbour of mine kissed me and touched me), I have not a physical discapacity, I don't feel nobody likes me (on the contrary), not because I can't find love (I actually get along with young and mature women perfectly). It's just that my eyes can only see in a grey scale, and my gaze is always blurry. And my brain is like a marble on fire which bounces all over my skull without resting.

    P.S. Sorry for the lenght, but I cannot prevent me from writing. Right now I am reading "H.P. Lovecraft - Selected letters Vol. II". It's exciting to find out that Mr. Lovecraft was one of our species.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 18, 2015
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