I need to describe my situation, even if it's through a computer, alone in a room. I'm 28, work an average 45 hour week, and live with my girlfriend of 4 years. I've been troubled by the passing of my mother when I was 12, and gradually as I got older I've developed a short temper, and lack of patience, much like my father. After her passing, I was left with him and my younger brother. He would drink, alot. Like most cliche stories of alcoholic fathers, he would find things to be mad at. Missing forks, a shirt on the floor, etc. Years of yelling, mental abuse, and sometimes physical. My girlfriend has helped me through alot of this, as well as explained why I feel the way I feel sometimes. We would drink alot early in the relationship. Hanging out, just listening to music, and having some beers. Over time, I've always worried about my choice to drink, and turning into someone like my father. Cut to now, and I guess I'm slowly trying to weed it out of my life. I see how people act, and I don't like it. Why would a beautiful, intelligent, humorous person turn themselves into a sloppy, dumb mess twice a week? I can have a few drinks every now and then, but I don't want to get drunk to the point of forgetting things, and embarrassing myself. My girlfriend wants to continue to live this lifestyle, drinking most week nights, and getting drunk on weekends. Sometimes I don't feel I want to partake in that, and maybe we could do something more productive, and exciting. She takes offense, and claims I changed. She will get a few too many in her, and berate me. Whether to my face, or from another room. "Friends" may also be in hearing distance. Crude comments, obnoxious yelling, and constant swearing. Things she just doesn't do when she's sober. I feel I've lost my father to alcohol. And it feels my girlfriend is choosing alcohol over me. I still very much miss my mother, and this past year I've felt very alone. Friends have went separate ways, and my only brother lives very far away. We keep in touch, and sometimes I think he is what keeps me from pulling the theoretical trigger. The pain weighs heavily on me, and it turns into a physical pain. It hurts to not be wanted, to not be understood.