A living hell just to keep others happy

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Give_me_a_reason, May 22, 2014.

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  1. Hi all - this is my first post so apologies if I place this thread in the wrong forum.

    I'm a 43 year old guy, divorced for a few years (civil with the ex so that's a bonus I guess) and I have been suffering from severe depression for most of my life. I've been single for a while now as I don't seem to get into situations where I meet women, which has added a lot to my feelings of loneliness and depression. I had a good job until a few weeks ago, when my employer decided to make me redundant. It has made me very anxious and scared about the future and my depression has taken a turn for the worse.

    This week I had my two boys (who are with me half of the time). It costs me all the energy in the world to be positive to them and be a good dad, but as soon as they leave I crash and burn. I start drinking at 9am and don't finish until I go to bed. I think about suicide a lot, as I personally don't have much to live for. Which brings me to the subject of this post..... I feel my life is a constant struggle, a continuous nightmare, I don't feel happiness, I don't feel joy, I don't feel I have nothing to live for. The only reason I've not taken the thought of suicide any further is the pain it would suffer for my kids and my mother (my father, my 'rock in life' died last year). It feels so cruel to have to endure my pain of depression and loneliness just so that others don't suffer should I put an end to everything.

    I've read many posts about depression and suicide. Not that I'm an expert, but just to avoid the obvious replies:
    * My mother has had severe depression all her life and is on a disability pension because of it. Talking to her about it results in a guilt trip about how it would affect her and she then comes into my house to clean and manage every second of my life, which makes me feel even more of a loser.
    * Yes, I do have a Psychiatrist and had different ones for the last 10 years. Just the word 'suicide' results in pushing me to go to a mental hospital, which will only create more issues for my environment
    * Yes, I have medication. 150mg Cymbalta, 150mg Seroquel and 60mg Lyrica and 10mg Valium. The Valium I hardly take because I don't want to mix it with alcohol.
    * Yes, I do have friends and I go out and about. But even the best friends can't help me in my situation and continuously talking about how I feel tends to destroy friendships (if you can call the that).

    Compared to some other threads my life must not seem that bad and I should have a lot of things to be thankful for. I have 2 healthy beautiful boys, a nice house, I live in a beautiful country (Australia) and financially secure (sort of). My mind knows it, but my soul is empty, miserable and I have this overwhelming sense of suffering.

    Why should I continue to live only to keep others from suffering? What kind of misplaced kindness is that?

    Apologies if it all seems a bit disjointed, but that's probably because currently all my emotions and thoughts are in a blender at maximum speed....

    Thanks for reading

  2. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    Welcome here to the forum. Do post something in the "Welcome" section since that's where everyone looks for new people. You could even use the mouse to copy it from here if you like.

    I see the words "crash and burn" a lot here, and they describe my life as well, a succession of such cycles.

    It's not easy to be where you are--things like depression and drinking are hard to overcome. I think trying to overcome them is worth it.

    But do feel welcome here. While no direct assistance can be had online in general, no one here will place standards on you or try to judge how you live and make your decisions. You are welcome to share as you see fit.

    Wishing the best for you,
  3. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    lot of love is given to you and support there.
    what exactly seems to be lacking? i mean way back when, what brought on depression or...? welcome btw.
  4. Thanks. I posted this thread in the welcome section. Guess I'm not here to wait for someone to give me the miracle cure advice.... Just meeting people in the same situation I think.
  5. Not sure what brought on the depression. Probably lots of stuff in childhood. A dr once told me that people that have gone through what I've gone through are often in prison or dead by my age (he told me that when I was 33....).

    The whole issue is about mind vs emotion. My mind tells me that I have a good life, that I have so many things to be happy about. I could write a list of all the things that are going well for me. I mean, I've been sacked 3 times before due to redundancy (I'm in the field of organisational advice and HR), and it's always been said that making yourself redundant should be seen as a compliment because you've done your job right. My kids are healthy and because I have good work experience and a good education I'm never out of work for a long time. And here is where the real issue lies I guess.

    Why, if there is so much to live for do I really feel like driving to the Story Bridge (Brisbane, AUS), park my car in the center lane and make the jump? Why the depression? Why the emptiness? Why can't I think of anything that would make me happy? It is driving me absolutely crazy. I'm thinking about suicide or the next best thing, just disappear. New country, new life, new identity. Did some research but a guy I know in the AFP (Australian Federal Police) explained that it takes A LOT of planning if you never want to be found again. And what would I do if I'm somewhere else? I'm still with me....

    I know, I'm rambling, and it's hard to put these things on a forum. I must be leaving out heaps of information for others to understand....

    Anyway, thanks for reading
  6. gelfling

    gelfling Active Member

    I hear your frustration and I think the best thing I can offer is depression is a cruel monster that lies to us and makes our thoughts a jumbled mess. Taking one day at a time, seeing if meds need adjusting or if there is a health issue that has happened or diet issue that has caused this downturn are often helpful. But when nothing else is wrong, time can be an amazing tincture. It's getting through that time that is the problem...if you want to talk more let us know.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 23, 2014
  7. Johnny Messina

    Johnny Messina Well-Known Member

    do you have good sex drive? I mean I get a lot of motivation to live from girls.. Sometimes it's just enough that some pretty girl smiles at me to make my day..
    second.. how are things going with your ex wife? do you still love her? You are sad because you are standing on one place and can't move..
    Maybe you can reunite your family... Maybe you can find some other girl just to have fun... How is your self esteem?
    Maybe you should swap drinking with working out or something..That would make you happy in few months.. trust me..
    I mean I would change with you for lives, but you're too old haha :p
  8. Thanks for there reply gelfing. I will ask my GP for a blood test, maybe I'm just low on iron!
  9. Yeah Johnny, working out is better than drinking, that's for sure. It's sort of a paradox. I feel very low on energy because I drink (self medication) so I can't bring up the energy to start working out. Working out will make me feel better and I'll probably drink much less, which will make me feel better. It's all about breaking the habit. If I just had the energy or determination to break the habit.....
    I have a good sex drive, it's just finding places with girls! Normally with a busy job, kids half of the time it's all about juggling priorities. I'm too old to go clubbing so there goes that option :)
  10. CanesFam

    CanesFam Member

    How are you doing? I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling really depressed, but what I try to do is focus on the things that make me smile the slightest. I think for you, that would be your children. Picture their smiling faces and how much they love you.
  11. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Hi Vince,

    I know how hard it can be living for others. But you should also be very proud of yourself for caring enough to do so. So many would not have the strength of character. So you are a VERY good person to do so.But that said, I know you do have to take care of yourself too and have joy in your life. I know many here have issue with a higher power or prayer,but that has always helped me in times of severe anxiety or depression or pain. One thing I know about life is that it changes and many times those changes can be for the better. I think it's important to cultivate hope for positive change. Many times when I thought my life was essentially over, something would come in to my life and bring hope. I know it can for you too. Many years ago I was on the verge of eviction and thought I was in great trouble and the next day a knock came on my door. It was a man I had loaned money to a few years back and his repayment to me allowed me to pay the rent. Just when I thought all was lost! Please know these things do Happen~ But I have great empathy for the way you feel. You mentioned that you don't want to go to clubs and have trouble finding places to meet people.If you are looking for companionship there are many online dating sites. Might be worth a try. You might meet someone that will change your life!!!!
  12. Thank you to all of you who have taken the time to respond. It DOES help to know that there are people that are or have been in the same situation. Just that little bit of hope or strength that it gives can be enough to move forward and make small changes for the better. And I do feel a little bit better because of it. My first objective is to switch alcohol for exercise. At least I will try, some habits are hard to get rid of.

    Again, thanks for your kind words.

  13. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. You are not alone in your depression. Hope things work out for you.
  14. Hitoandbugs

    Hitoandbugs New Member

    I just joined this site too. It's sad to say that your post gave me comfort to know that I am not alone and your story sounds a lot like mine. I am hoping through this site to find encouragement to keep me going and hope you can too. When I mean it's sad, I mean that it's sad that there is so much loneliness and depression out there and so many good people are lost and hurt and want a way out but don't know where and how to,get it. Good luck and I hope you find happiness.
  15. Daydreamer

    Daydreamer Member

    A big hug from another newbie! I have this "I´m only alive to keep others happy"-feeling, too, so your story speaks to me a lot!
    Because depression is a disease. You can have tons of things to be happy about and still catch cold or get pneumonia or cancer. It´s the same with depression. I have a hard time grasping this myself because of my parents. My mother (even though depression prone herself) thinks that people who "have it all" are whiny little shits for having depression. My father has this super esoteric approach that if you are "in synch with yourself" (or something like that) you don´t get depression or cancer or you can just "snap out of it"/fight it very easily.
  16. CanesFam

    CanesFam Member

    It definitely is more difficult, wayyyy more difficult, but by breaking the habit just once, you're on your way. You'll feel much better about yourself and physically!
  17. radioactive_she

    radioactive_she New Member

    Reading your posts (not ramblings) has lifted my mood this morning, so thank you for sharing. I'm new to this forum as well and it's kind of a scary but necessary 'first step' to open up and engage in conversation with other people who can relate to how you're feeling. Several years ago I took a trip across seas (I'm from the U.S.) and during a stopover in Japan I seriously debated disappearing--just simply not getting on the next plane; to suddenly make myself nonexistent.

    I hope to respond more to you when I have more time. Until then, do as that poster of a kitten dangling from a tree says and "Hang in there." :)
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