i'm done. i have been suffering for way to long. i have come to the conclusion that there are two options for me in life. i can either die or spend my life in a mental instatution, and i am choosing the first. i have done a lot of research on the most effective way of doing it. i'm just tying up the loose ends right now. i have written my suicide note. things are almost ready. i just wanted to get on here and tell someone why i choose to do this, not that there is anyone out there that really cares. i started with this struggle at the age of sixteen, and it has been eight long years. in that time period i have had over fifty psychiatric hospitalizations. i have tried all the different types of therapy. i have tried all the different types of meds. i have even had the ect treatment. none of it has worked. if anything, it has made me instatutionalized. its like as soon as i get out of the hospital about a week later, i have this strong urge to go back, and it is all i can think about. i am running out of reasons to stay alive. i don't talk to eithor of my brothers. my mom is crazy. she tells me all the time to just go ahead and kill yourself.. that the family would be better off if i did. i am starting to believe her. the only two supports i have are my dad and his parents. but latly i can't talk to them and let them know how much i'm struggling because whenever i open up to them i can hear the pain and the frustration that they are going through. i can't continue to hurt them. i think that the pain of my death would be better than the pain that i put them through every day. so that is it i guess.