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a long awaited goodbye

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by lotr2012, Jul 20, 2012.

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  1. lotr2012

    lotr2012 Active Member

    i'm done. i have been suffering for way to long. i have come to the conclusion that there are two options for me in life. i can either die or spend my life in a mental instatution, and i am choosing the first. i have done a lot of research on the most effective way of doing it. i'm just tying up the loose ends right now. i have written my suicide note. things are almost ready. i just wanted to get on here and tell someone why i choose to do this, not that there is anyone out there that really cares. i started with this struggle at the age of sixteen, and it has been eight long years. in that time period i have had over fifty psychiatric hospitalizations. i have tried all the different types of therapy. i have tried all the different types of meds. i have even had the ect treatment. none of it has worked. if anything, it has made me instatutionalized. its like as soon as i get out of the hospital about a week later, i have this strong urge to go back, and it is all i can think about. i am running out of reasons to stay alive. i don't talk to eithor of my brothers. my mom is crazy. she tells me all the time to just go ahead and kill yourself.. that the family would be better off if i did. i am starting to believe her. the only two supports i have are my dad and his parents. but latly i can't talk to them and let them know how much i'm struggling because whenever i open up to them i can hear the pain and the frustration that they are going through. i can't continue to hurt them. i think that the pain of my death would be better than the pain that i put them through every day. so that is it i guess.
  2. DoktorPaj

    DoktorPaj New Member

    Why can't You try an go on talking to Your dad? If he axcepted it before, he will again, and now that You have talked to him, he might feel guilty because You died. Try and think about him and his parents, they care about You, please atleast read some of the suicide survivors stories befor You do it, maybe it helps You realize how they would feel.
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you're feeling so low lotr...I can hear you're overwhelmed and in pain.
    I hope you postpone your plans and stick around and talk a bit more with us..
    You say your Dad and your grandparents care about you..they will not be better off if you're not around..

    I want you to know that I lost my son to suicide and it transfers the pain you're in and more to the ones left behind.
    I am no longer living but just existing until I join him..each day is a struggle and there is nothing but pain and grief.

    I am not trying to guilt you..I just want you to know what it's like for the loved ones left behind.

    have you tried different doctors? perhaps there's one out there who will have the right treatment for you?
    I wish you can find a way to stay .
    we don't know you here but we care about you :hug:
  4. letmedisappear

    letmedisappear Well-Known Member

    Talking to your dad and his parents would be a great idea... you'd be surprised how much a relief it is for people when they help someone get out of a bad mood or help them in any way. Do you have any effective outlets to channel your emotions? Besides medical help (which is usually VERY helpful - I'd totally suggest keep trying) maybe you could look for something to distract you. I know I sound like I'm preaching, but distractions and hobbies that kept me busy really helped me turn around. Maybe it'll work for you too.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello lotr, I have to agree with the above users, keep talking to your dad and his parents, they are your support network. They need you as much as you need them, and just think of how devastated now that you've spoken to them they would be if you committed suicide. Please re think your plans and talk to someone hun, even if its only a nurse from the crisis teams. You need someone to lean on. Lean on us if need be. This site kept me alive for many years. :hug:
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    The pain of your death would hurt them every day of the remainder of their lives hun They want to see you well and safe hun so call hospital or crisis team and get some help to keep you safe hugs
  7. truthhurts

    truthhurts Well-Known Member

    i also once felt feelings similar to yours. i felt my family wud feel relieved without me, that it wud be easier for them, tho now looking back at it, i was so deeply wrong about that. i was pulled out of that emotional black hole at the last minute tho, gladly, and now i understand that even tho people don't always rly kno how to show that they care for someone, they do. i once thought that they don't really care becuz they don't reach out to me, they don't talk about anything 'deep', but then i realized that i myself am like that aswell, even tho the number of people i care for is quite large, i reeeally talk to only very few of them, but that doesnt mean that i dont care for the others at all. well, the main point being that when u're in that black pit of suicidal feelings, it blinds u to many things, especially other people's caring-loving feelings towards u. and as for your mother, even tho i dont think it's right of her to say such things, i think she might just be afraid or is blaming herself, or just doesnt kno how to handle the situation. obviously enough, i dont kno your mother, but i think it's very likely she doesnt mean it when she says that. people say a lot of things they dont mean when they're emotionally on edge.

    well, i rly hope u're still hanging on, life is worth it.
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