a long journey to this point

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by rhxc, May 21, 2011.

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  1. rhxc

    rhxc New Member

    Hi, I'm a new member. I was a bit hesitant to post here, as I've been judged a lot by others in the past for my issues, but here goes.
    I'm not sure if I'm "suicidal" or not, but ever since I've been 14 I've had thoughts of suicide. They were extremely serious back then, and I even attempted suicide at age 15, but at age 20 I went to a counselor and psychiatrist and got on some antidepressants that have really numbed my emotions. I don't feel the depth of suffering that I used to, and I feel like it's going to be okay most of the time.
    But I still fall back on suicidal thinking sometimes, even though I really truly doubt I would ever do it. I've been extremely depressed nearly as long as I can remember, except for the past 3 months since I started the antidepressant.
    I've always been a very reserved, you can say shy sort of person. I've never been outgoing though I talk a lot more now than I used to.
    It might sound kind of stupid to some people, but it all started with my very first romantic relationship at age 14. He was 16 at the time, and we were each other's "firsts" at everything. We had an extremely emotionally intense relationship as most first loves are I guess. We spent a summer together and I can honestly say even at this point it was the only time I ever felt truly happy. We were on/off throughout a lot of my teenage years, because he would avoid me a lot. At the worst of my depression, I think it scared him really bad and he knew he couldn't really help me because of other issues in my life with my parents. But he made remarks that I'll always have a special place in his heart, etc.
    The last time I saw him was 3 years ago. I still think about him every day. I was dating this other guy in the Army at the time, and I think I ended up marrying him for the most part because I needed a way out of my crappy home life. (long story but the city wanted to condemn the house I lived in and my mom was in ill health)
    He kept visiting me for awhile, and I kept seeing him because I still wanted him back. I told him about the guy I was dating, only because I wanted him to tell me to forget about him and be with him instead. He ended up deleting his number out of my phone after telling me "he feels 16 again when he's with me". I was stumped by that for years.
    My mom died 2 years ago, and since we have a mutual friend I think he heard because he made a fake Facebook account I guess to check up on me with but doesn't talk to me.
    I heard recently he is engaged to this girl who is 18 (he is 23 now) and moved about an hour away from me. I'm dreading the day he finally gets married to her. I've hoped and prayed for years I could "get over it" but I still miss him every day. I don't think about suicide per se, but I think about how he would feel if I were gone sometimes. I'm still married and I love the guy I married even though we have a rocky relationship (he had issues from Iraq), but I feel like I have this big secret because I still hold a torch for him. Even though he will probably never speak to me ever again. Sometimes I think of my death and how I could finally reveal that I always loved this guy instead of only a few people knowing. Sorry this post was so long. Please don't judge me because logically I know how silly it seems to hold a torch for someone for so long. I hope someone else has gone through the same thing.
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    just wanted to say welcome.
    i still think of an ex of mine. we broke up 10 years ago. i still miss him.
    but it does get easier.
    you said you used to have a counsellor, but do you have anyone to talk to right now? it might help to have someone to share with....
    you always have us here at SF
  3. rhxc

    rhxc New Member

    I have one, but I tend to focus on other things, I haven't ever spoken to her about this guy. In my opinion she's not a very good counselor per se, she pretty much helps me just prioritize things in my life because of anxiety issues. I think I'm too embarrassed to bring it up to her because I am married. But to be honest my husband could treat me a lot better than he does. I just can't get over the idea that nothing will get better than what I had with him.
    It kinda felt like how love appears in the movies, then he'd avoid me for awhile, and then come back into my life, then repeat a few times. Our mutual friend says she believes I never really got any closure.
    But still to this day, no one will ever be as beautiful to me as he is. =\
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