A long post about why my life has no hope... be prepared for a long post

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Hae-Gi, Jun 15, 2007.

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  1. Hae-Gi

    Hae-Gi Banned Member


    This was supposed to be my first post, but my account had some issues, so I had to post in the troubleshooting section, instead... oh well, never mind.

    I registered in November, already, but I was unable to post, since my computer was broken, and the new computer I put together wouldn't work, either, since a card I installed into the computer, probably corrupted the motherboard's firmware. I've intended to try to flash the firmware, but it just hasn't happened. If that doesn't work, I will have to disassemble the whole computer and send the motherboard back for a new one. Its warranty expires in a few months, too... this isn't an easy task for me, since I have a filth consideration, as I call it, and have to do my very best not to let filth get on my things. This isn't easy, since I need help to move the computer, since the case is very heavy. Fortunately, my mother has respect for my filth consideration, so she could help, and would wear protective gloves that I had put on, as well, but it's still very much work for someone like me. I don't know why I care so much about worthless, boring objects, though... it's the same with my videogame consoles and many other things. I guess it's just, I don't have anything else.

    Anyway... I've been depressed for the longest time... it began for real when my dog died, I guess... but also before; I've always been bullied or at least avoided... I would have to say it was the worst in the Swedish equivalent to high school. When I was seventeen, I had to do an oral report that I failed miserably, due to fear of standing in front of the class. Thankfully, I had to change programme, not too long after that, anyway, since the one I first had chosen had a lot of maths, and my mind does all it can to block out mathematics; it's always been that way; I really suck with maths. The new class was fairly good, too, so it was better. However, then my dog died, and that's when I fell into this depression. I had had him since I was very little; almost since I can remember. I didn't want a dog at first, but I started to like him a lot with time. Of course, no dog could ever replace him, so could never imagine getting a new one. Some time after his death, I started seeing psychiatrists and psychologists... in the beginning, I went to one, merely to get over my fear of making speeches. However, I ceased visiting him, after I found out he was a butcher, and also since he started arguing with me about an argument I had had with my father, meaning I was wrong, even though I clearly wasn't. It also was a completely stupid argument. After some time, I started visiting another psychologist, after the recommendation from the school nurse. I wanted someone to talk to, anyway; in fact, the only reason I ever went to any psychologists or psychologists, was either to talk to them, or to analyse their behaviour. Unfortunately, visiting the psychiatrists, mainly, would prove to be a very bad idea, although with time, I became required to. All they wanted to do was give me medications or incarcerate me by force, even though I had always followed the important rule, not to tell them how frequently I have suicidal thoughts. Not to tell them about any of my suicidal thoughts, rather. It seems they wanted to incarcerate me, due to me being a vegetarian, wearing depressive clothing and never wanting to get children. When one psychiatrist found out I was going to have myself vasectomy sterilised, a few years ago, he immediately wanted to speak with me and my parents about "gravely serious issues." In fact, however, I had only applied for being allowed to be sterilised before the age of 25, since you are not allowed to do it before that age. I'm 26, now, however, and will have it done, soon... I don't want any disgusting children. If I found a girlfriend, sometime, it would be horrendous to know that those disgusting sperms would get into her. That she would have used contraceptives doesn't really help, there... also, there's no meaning with having sex with a condom... I'd rather not have it at all. And what if she'd get pregnant, anyway? It's very easy to get an abortion in Sweden, but there is also the issue of the parasitic phoetus having contaminated her with its presence, and the mere thought horrifies me. Of course, I probably never will find a girlfriend, anyway, and this is the main thing causing my depression... I always do my best not to brag, and that also is not the intent with this remark, but most probably would find it odd that I have never had a girlfriend, and feel I never will, since I have better looks than any man I've ever seen (yes, I know many say this who do not; however, I also know many probably think my feminine approach with my looks makes me look gay or something, but who cares)... I'm well aware this sounds like bragging, and for that I apologise, but I have to make it all very clear. The reason I feel so miserable is due to the fact that I cannot ever have more than one girlfriend, unless I never, in any way, would become sexual with her. That even includes kissing. I am very conservative in that regard, and if I would lose this complete virginity that I still have, to the wrong person, I would most definitely kill myself. Thus, I just wait and wait... in fact, I would rather die a virgin, than losing it to the wrong person. Additionally, since I live in a small town, it's unlikely I could ever find anyone here... Internet's my only hope. And of course, with my excessive rules on that one and only girlfriend, anything but the Internet is out of the question. Of course, she couldn't possibly want children, either, or more specifically, she couldn't possibly have ever thought about the possibility of wanting children, ever in her life. She would, like myself, have to be a complete virgin, as well... I wonder how many are that in today's world. I'm a bit ashamed to say, she would have to be beautiful, as well, since I'm obsessed with beauty. Due to my obsession with beauty, she, like me, would have to want to die young, as well; latest at around 35, since that is an age when you rapidly start to age. (Damn, they are closing, now.) The reason she would have to be a virgin, is due to my strong belief, that when two virgins have sex, their souls will merge, and after death, they will be together for all eternity.

    With these obstacles, can anyone say there is any hope for me...? I doubt it... I always keep my mind focused on the future event of my suicide, since I know it is basically inevitable... unfortunately, I cannot cease hoping, and this is very hard. I often wish I could just cease thinking of true love, but it's impossible. I cannot give it up. However, I am not 26, and I am getting closer to that critical age... the remainder of my life is not very long.
  2. Erebos

    Erebos Well-Known Member

    I am truly sorry for your predicament.

    A few points puzzle me, though. Why would you think so low of your therapists? Surely they have some justification to suggest hospitalization. Also, is there an underlying reason to limiting yourself to having only one sexual partner?

    Take care.
  3. Hae-Gi

    Hae-Gi Banned Member

    First I want to point out that I was referring to the library I was in, when I said "they" were closing. That is also the reason to some of the errors in the text; I was short on time. I also forgot mentioning a girl I fell in love with over the Internet, which, in fact, was far more of an impact on me than the death of my dog... needless to say, my love for her shouldn't have happened.

    Also, regarding the part about that when two virgins have sex with each other, their souls will merge... that was insufficiently written; the two virgins will have to be true loves, as well... that was insufficiently written; the two virgins will have to be true loves, as well... then, when they lose their virginities to each other, their souls will merge even in the "living world," and after death, they will be together forever.

    Thank you for replying, by the way. The reason I can only get sexual with one person; and that would have to be my true love; is because if I lose my virginity to the wrong person, my soul no longer can merge with my true love, even if I'd find my true love, afterwards. Thus, the two of us, no longer could become one, and we would have to die to meet in another life, instead, where we would be virgins, again.

    As for why I have no trust for psychiatrists... they always treat me like shit with their limitless arrogance. I'm going to do my very best, never having to meet them, again. By the way, I have never told them about my above stated beliefs. Believing in stupid Christianity is "normal," but if I make my own religion, I am merely insane.
  4. Dave303

    Dave303 Well-Known Member

    Dear Hae-Gi. I think it's commendable that U want to have 1 sexual partner for your whole life. It's the right thing to do and in our times where decadence rules, it really touches me that U are willing to stick to this time-cherished idea of one mate which is the cornerstone of marriage. I know it seems depressive and difficult to talk about these issues but U must try and explain to your psychologist how deeply U are thinking about suicide. U can tell him that U don't wish to be incarcerated and U don't have to tell him everything. But telling him about it will at least help him know the depth of the anguish U are feeling, and in this way U will feel better that someone who is a professional knows. If U want to, PM me anytime U feel like talking my friend. Take care and hope to see U around!
  5. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Hae-Gi sorry I can't read your whole post right now I'm at the local library and I have to goo in a few minutes.I'll quickly touch on a couple of thing's with you in regard's to you seeing seeing Psychologist's and Psychiatrist's,it's very tough and sad when you see one that you feel doesn't take you seriously.I'm currently seeing my second Psychiatrist and luckily for me he's great,I'm also seeing a Psychologist but to me she clearly doesn't understand what depression is really about,also my other problem's with Ocd and bdd.

    So you're dealing with people who don't have much of an idea where you're coming from can be very hard.It' not your fault.
  6. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Not really understanding the whole soul-merging sex thing. I have only been with one person, but I believe that even if I had been with 100, I would still be with my soul-mate after death...our souls seek love, and I believe that we find and commune with those loved ones after our physical death. Sex CAN be spiritual, but only with the right person. A physical act cannot define us spiritually for eternity...it just can't. I understand having your own religion...my husband actually wanted to start one as a child :) Not that bizarre.

    But WHY the hatred for fetuses...calling them parisitic and not ever wanting to be with a woman who even THOUGHT about giving birth? I myself have often toyed with the idea of never having children (I just don't like them that much), but I would not begrudge someone who would be an excellent parent and who loves kids from having a child of their own. This seems strange to me.

    Did something happen to you that made you feel this way?
  7. Hae-Gi

    Hae-Gi Banned Member

    Thank you all for your replies.

    Dave303... I can't tell them about my suicidal thoughts. Actually, I don't talk with them at all, anymore. I've made it clear I don't want to talk to them, anymore, since they only strive to make me feel worse. The suicidal thoughts cannot be eased from any help from them, anyway; only finding my true love could... and since most people don't even understand what true love means, it's pointless talking about that, either. They just won't understand, and never will. They'll just say I'm insane, since I want my girlfriend to myself, and not together with some disgusting, ugly, annoying, uncontrolled, stupid child. I'm sure all they want is me getting two and a half kids and a dog, so I will continue to make this stupid, already failing society to "prosper." They are not professional; they are just normal people who think they are professional.

    peanut0017... damnit... sorry, but I cannot reply, now... library's closing. I must get back to you (Monday, perhaps). Nothing happened to me as a child, though.
  8. memory318

    memory318 Member

    i think a few public speaking classes might help your cause. Your fear of social acceptance will hinder you for the rest of your life unless you break the cycle yourself. Obviously you feel you are adequate physically, and so do others. break the cycle you have in your head.

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