A long story, coming to an end (ADHD and Asperger's, narcissistic parent, loneliness)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Leolsrik, May 19, 2015.

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  1. Leolsrik

    Leolsrik Well-Known Member

    Warning: Enormous wall of text incoming. No worries if you can't be bothered to read it, I won't mind if nobody replies.

    Might as well start from the beginning. I was almost certainly born with ADHD and Asperger syndrome, but nobody has ever really noticed. I could tell from a fairly early age that I wasn't quite like everyone else, but for a long time it was just a curiosity, not a problem. I couldn't ever communicate well with kids my age, and wasn't all that interested in their games, preferring to spend time alone or around adults instead. I could never get any boring work done, but this was interpreted as just regular disinterest, laziness and irresponsibility. And I was stellar at learning, which covered up the fact that I rarely put any effort into anything. For the first decade of my life, I thrived, as there were almost no expectations placed on me and social anxiety hadn't set in yet, as I hadn't come to realize that it was my behaviour that wasn't normal, not other people's. I was even able to make childhood friends, four of them, and I excelled in the first few years of school, sometimes getting grades that were outside the bounds of the grading system, to account for the fact I had done so much better than what was required for the highest grade.

    Then, things changed drastically in several ways:

    - First, the excessive praise I was getting from teachers and my utter social incompetence made me a prime target for bullying. About half the people in my class were bullies, completely out of control and with no respect for teachers or rules (or other people). Most of the other students generally didn't get involved, probably to avoid becoming targets themselves. I was the target of the vast majority of the bullying, with almost all the rest being targeted at one of my childhood friends, with whom I shared a desk. Dozens of times every day, I'd have plastic bottles, pieces of chalk and various other items thrown at me, any item I brought with me was likely to be stolen or damaged, and people routinely tried to wrestle me to the floor. The latter was no easy task, as I physically grew up way faster than anyone else, always looking several years older than I really was, and reaching my adult height of 190cm at age 16. This made me even more of a target, as teachers would sometimes tell the class not to mess with me, because I might inadvertently hurt them, being so far outside their weight class. In reality, I was mostly incapable of hurting anyone, being far too timid and kind.

    Now, the most obvious effect of all that - lots and lots and lots of anger, was fairly short-lived. I was angry at my bullies for being so cruel, angry at my teachers and parents for being so hopelessly incapable of doing anything to help me, and most of all angry at myself for being unable to defend myself. But almost all of that dissipated within a couple of years after entering high school. I eventually realized that my bullies probably had severe problems of their own that they weren't getting help with, that my teachers were feeling helpless and stressed out over having no way to influence the behaviour of problem students, and that being unable to hurt anyone, even to defend myself, isn't such a horrible thing. However, what stayed with me was the realization that I couldn't count on others to help me or to treat me fairly, and I can't help but think that this contributed to my willing isolation later in life. Then there's also the possibility that my development was stunted during that period, as I came out of it an impulsive bundle of nerves, with dulled compassion and even more socially awkward than before. For years I felt like I had catching up to do, as everyone else seemed more mature than me.

    - Another critical point in the story is the change of teachers and teaching style in the 5th grade (the equivalent of entering middle school), as the amount of required work drastically increased, especially homework. Previously, I had almost never had to put in any substantial effort to get top grades, and so I had never learned how to put in effort. And I quickly discovered that no matter how hard I tried, I could not force myself to sit down and complete homework assignments. This remained mostly unnoticed, however, as I coped by doing work early in the morning, in the few minutes before leaving for school, or in the bus, or in the breaks between classes, or even during classes. This was obviously very stressful, to some extent more so than the bullying. And it's something that's only gotten worse over time, as every time I fail to put in effort but succeed in the end anyway, my subconscious mind becomes more and more convinced that I don't need to put in effort in order to succeed, making it even harder to get any work done the next time. This is perhaps my biggest problem right now, but I'll get to that later. And it's a truly horrible feeling, having the desire to do something but being stopped by my own brain.

    - Yet another problem was that, after having had perfect grades for 4 years, it was a complete shock to suddenly become an academic failure. I had previously taken great pride in my success in school, and it was the main component of my self-confidence, as I was no good at anything else. I was socially awkward, cowardly, clumsy and slow when playing sports, had no artistic talents, and was fat and physically weak. I quickly became terrified of being asked questions I couldn't answer, to the point where I wouldn't volunteer to answer questions I knew the answer to, for fear of being asked follow-up questions. This is something I'm still struggling with today. I had always been anxious around people I didn't know, but now I was becoming anxious in familiar surroundings as well. Some teachers were so scary that I would cower in fear throughout their classes, counting the seconds until recess, even though that's when the bullying resumed.

    And the anxiety got worse when I started to realize that, for years, I had constantly been alienating people and making a fool of myself. I would frequently fail to notice people's feelings, or fail to communicate my response, I'd have no idea what I'm expected to do or say in most situations, I'd have no idea what other people were thinking but leaving unsaid, I'd miss or misinterpret jokes and sarcasm, and I'd miss many social cues or respond inappropriately. So I became less and less willing to talk to anyone, for fear of screwing up. This proved self-reinforcing, as the more I avoided conversations, the more I screwed up when they eventually happened. Until eventually I started avoiding people in general, including relatives, becoming stressed whenever there was a risk of being talked to, and frozen with fear when actually talked to.

    - At the same time as all that, I was being pushed to do chores at home, and found them as impossible to concentrate on as homework. So I'd put them off endlessly, ending up with a large backlog of incomplete tasks stretching back years. This turned most conversations with my mother into endless accusations of laziness and irresponsibility, usually followed by claims that there's something wrong with me and threats of being sent to a psychiatrist. Now, at the time, I was still a stupid kid, and since I still didn't have an internet connection at home, my general knowledge of the world was very limited. So, in my mind, only crazy people went to psychiatrists (I still had no concept of any specific mental conditions at the time), and thus I was being called crazy by my mother. And it certainly didn't help that she somehow made a visit to a psychiatrist sound like a punishment for misbehaving, not an offer for help. This made me very touchy on the subject of mental conditions, which will become very important later in the story.

    And so, between the bullying, the inability to do work, the fear of being around people, and the arguments at home, I increasingly withdrew into escapism, finding comfort in computer strategy and management games, as well as documentaries and sci-fi shows on TV. Real life increasingly became an annoyance, something to be suffered through before I could get to sit in front of my computer undisturbed. This messed with my sleep, as I would be unwilling to get off my computer and go to bed, dreading what I would have to go through after waking up. For years I got an average of about 4 hours of sleep per night during weekdays, semi-compensating during the weekend.

    Things changed for the better upon entering high school, as I now had an internet connection (a reward for doing very well on the end-of-middle-school national exams and getting accepted into an elite high school), which allowed me to satisfy my endless curiosity and to quickly expand my knowledge. And I was no longer bullied, sort of. There were 2 wannabe bullies, and I was still the target initially, but their efforts were so pathetic compared to what I had already been through, that it was more like a comedy routine. However, my other problems remained, so I continued to avoid the real world as much as possible. Also, it was around this time that I lost touch with the last of my childhood friends, and I've had no emotional connections ever since (I had already lost the connection to my mother years earlier). This did not bother me much initially, as I am thoroughly introverted, but the loneliness really added up over time, to the point where it's now a big part of the reason why I'm depressed and suicidal.

    Still, in just 2 years, aged 16, I had learned enough and calmed down enough to thoroughly look back on my life for the first time. Until then, I had always thought that the reason I wasn't doing well enough was that I wasn't trying hard enough. But looking back, I realized that no matter how hard I tried, I never got any results. And so I came to the conclusion that I would forever be unable to get any work done and would thus never have a job and never lead a normal life. Around the same time, I started being told that I should look for a part-time job, to help out my mother financially, and also conversations both at school and at home would often involve ideas about the future and career plans. So, between being pushed to plan for my future and being convinced that I had no future, I became depressed and, for the first time, suicidal (I had been depressed at least once before, but this was the first time I was aware of what was happening). With nothing to look forward to, there was no point in struggling any longer. I was angry that my life would come to an end without ever having achieved anything, but eventually found comfort in the thought that, if nothing else, I had at least become more knowledgeable than almost every other human who has ever lived (The internet is truly a wonderful thing!). That was supposed to give me the peace of mind needed to go through with suicide, but it "backfired", and instead gave me just enough confidence to slip out of the depression for a little bit, which in turn let me rethink things. I figured that I could probably postpone getting a job until after completing my education, and in the meantime, getting through school and university would not be an impossible task. So, I decided that I would hang on to life for as long as the workload was low enough that I could handle it, and I would use my remaining time to have fun as much as possible and learn as much as possible.

    And so, I started skipping school, withdrawing further from the outside world. Stressful as it was due to the risk of getting caught, my life was still so much better than before. I even learned way more than I would have if I had attended school regularly, just from reading about whatever interested me online and watching documentaries. I even graduated with decent grades and got accepted into a prestigious university. All the while, though, I had to dodge questions and change the subject whenever the topic of career plans came up, making my social anxiety even worse. Since I thought myself incapable of ever achieving anything, I had no ambitions, only wild dreams. My only plans for the future involved suicide.

    However, I hadn't quite given up all hope, and kept thinking about and searching for ways to earn money that would let me work from home and that were interesting enough for me to stay focused and motivated. But there was never anything to be found, as any line of work inevitably involves difficult or boring tasks to some extent, and I've never had the ability to complete such tasks in pursuit of a long-term goal. And what I took way too long to learn is that motivation is always temporary and easily exhausted, while results require persistence, and that is based on routine and habits. And I have great trouble with both of those.

    Meanwhile, I never stopped reading up on anything and everything that intrigued me, including brain disorders and diseases, and at one point stumbled upon a description of ADHD. I was shocked to discover that I had many of the symptoms, but instead of embracing the idea that there might be a treatable condition explaining my failures, I went into denial, as I was still affected by the stigma on mental conditions that I talked about earlier. But once the idea was in my mind, I slowly got ever more used to it over several years. And in the meantime, I stumbled upon a description of Asperger syndrome, which was even more shocking, due to the stigma associated with autism. And again I went into denial, while the idea slowly took root in my mind. I had also read up on depression at some point, but for reasons that I can no longer remember, I didn't have much trouble accepting it. Probably had to do with the fact that the depression was a response to a stressful and sad life, while the ADHD and Asperger's were things I was born with and stuck with, things that made me feel defective. But back to the main story.

    Once I got to university, things took a turn for the worse. I could not handle the combination of a new environment, new people, strict attendance requirements, regular homework assignments, advanced math (of which I could not understand a thing), and mandatory sports practice. So, just 3 months in, I dropped out. My mother did not take that well at all, and demanded that I immediately go out and get a full-time job, or else she'd kick me out. I figured this was the end of the line for me, but her greed weighed in soon afterward, as she still hoped I would eventually get a high-paying job and buy expensive things for her, and that was unlikely with just a high school diploma. So she dropped the demand for getting a job when I agreed to go back to university. And so I applied again, got into the country's top university this time, and could use the time between dropping out and the start of the next academic year to get a much needed rest.

    At the time, I hoped that getting a few months' rest and picking a course I was excited about (Public Administration), where attendance wasn't tracked and sports weren't mandatory, would allow me to finally get some work done. And initially I coped well, but before the first semester was over I had already started skipping lectures and failing to complete assignments. I still managed to get through the first year without much trouble, but ended up failing 5 subjects in the second year. I passed 3 of them during the makeup exams, which was enough to pass the year, but I had spent the entire summer sweating over it and hadn't gotten much rest. So, as the third year started almost immediately after the makeup exams were over, I couldn't bring myself to show up. At first I hoped I'd be ready to go back within a couple of weeks, but I just kept putting off the date of my return. And the more I waited, the scarier it became to show up, as I would have to dodge questions or lie about my long absence, and I had no respectable excuse.

    Eventually the exam period arrived, and I still couldn't force myself to get out of the house. I was stuck in escapism, focused on a fascinating BDSM comic. And it was that comic that triggered the most recent series of important events in my life. First, I reached a chapter that introduced a character with very familiar traits - inconsistent, constantly moving onto new things and leaving everything unfinished, always disappointing everyone despite his best efforts, relying on others financially despite being extremely uncomfortable doing so, aware of his own failings but unable to do anything about it, always apologetic for his mistakes and motivated to do better, while forever remaining a failure. It was a profile that perfectly fit both me and my father. Even the scene was something I had repeatedly gone through - a father visits his child after months of absence, seemingly just to chat. He tries to be casual, but is nervous the whole time. He talks about his latest job or money making idea, trying to sound optimistic, but you can easily detect the sadness in his voice. Just as he's leaving, he pretends to have just remembered that he wanted to borrow some money. He promises to pay it back, of course, but you both know that's never going to happen.

    Reading that plunged me into a massive depression. I became acutely aware of my own complete uselessness, and the fact that there was no way I'd work hard enough to compensate for all the exams I was missing. That meant I was soon to be expelled from university, and that in turn meant that I would soon have to kill myself. And so, crippled by lethargy and sadness, all I could do was keep on reading. With my life coming to a sad end, I might as well escape to a more optimistic world. Once I was done with that story, I moved on to the author's other comics, all of them based on relationships. And the more I read, the more I realized just how incredibly lonely I was. For a long time I had been completely convinced that I was better off alone, hiding my true self from the world and pretending that everything was fine. But I was so, so wrong. I became aware of just how desperately I needed someone I could be honest to without fearing ridicule or anger. And as I imagined what I'd say to such a person, it dawned on me: I wasn't necessarily a hopeless failure. Maybe I really did have ADHD and Asperger's, and those can be treated or managed. And their effects - depression and anxiety, can also be treated or managed. Maybe, with support and therapy and possibly medication, I would no longer be useless.

    After thinking that, I became more optimistic about my life than ever before. I quickly came out of the depression and started thinking about who to ask for help. But within just a few days, I had come to the depressing conclusion that there was no one I could rely on for help. I needed both financial and emotional support, possibly for months or years, and could offer little in return. And there wasn't even a guarantee that I would ever be able to earn money in any way, so I could be stuck a leech forever. I couldn't place such a burden on anyone. I had waited too long. I had no friends, and no relatives I was close to. My father was dead, and, for reasons that will take a post about as long as this one to describe (a post I'll be making in the near future), I could not trust my mother with my well-being, and I'd rather die than continue living with her anyway. And being an adult, aged 22, I could not just ask strangers to, essentially, adopt me. Just as quickly as I had escaped the depression earlier, I now plunged right back into it. I felt immense sadness, as now I was going to have to kill myself not because I was an unsalvageable failure, but because there was no one to salvage me.

    [Ran into the character limit, continued below]
  2. Leolsrik

    Leolsrik Well-Known Member

    Re: A long story, coming to an end (ADHD and Asperger's, narcissistic parent, lonelin

    And so, I started seriously planning my suicide. The first step was to look up info on suicide methods, so as to determine if my preferred method was a good choice, and if not, what would be better. But I was shocked to discover that all the methods available to me have a very low chance of success. This convinced me that maybe I shouldn't give up on seeking help so quickly, and I decided to seek out an online community for those affected by suicidal thoughts, to get a second opinion on the hopelessness of my situation.

    That was 2 months ago.

    In that time, I've been slowly assembling this post while going through my memories and analyzing my life. And I've been crying for hours on end every other day or so, with my mood going between cautiously optimistic and completely hopeless every few hours. And I've also been thinking about what I need in order to get better, and what I can offer to anyone who can help me.

    I've come to the conclusion that what I need most is a person I can trust. Someone I can open up to, someone I won't be ashamed to cry in front of. Someone who genuinely cares about me and understands what it's like to be sabotaged by one's own brain, or at least is willing to try to understand. I'm so very tired of lying all the time, I really need to be honest about my problems and my fears without being yelled at or ridiculed or dismissed or treated like I'm intellectually impaired. And in turn, I too can be caring and understanding and supportive. In fact, I keep imagining getting help from someone who has problems of their own, so that we can help each other instead of me being a burden. Also, I'll never stop learning and improving myself, so any bad habits or annoying behaviours I may have are subject to change, albeit slowly, and I don't mind being proven wrong, even if it takes me a while to admit I was wrong. But I also expect the same from anyone I'm going to be forming a bond with.

    The bigger issue, however, is that I'm going to be a financial burden for at least a few months, but possibly for years or even for the rest of my life. And no person who meets the criteria in the above paragraph deserves that. I don't need much, but I can barely imagine myself ever having any sort of income at all. It's pretty much certain that I'll never have any sort of job that involves talking to unfamiliar people a lot, and unless ADHD medication drastically changes the way my brain works, it's probable I'll never have any full-time job at all. And even getting a part-time job is gonna be problematic - going through the country's main job listings website looking at part-time jobs, the only thing I could imagine myself doing was working as a nanny. The offer was for taking care of a 6 year old child for at least 2 years, taking them home from school every day and looking after them until the evening, while entertaining and mentoring them. That's something I might just be capable of doing, as it's interesting, varied, and only involves frequent interactions with one person. And it allows me to teach someone and to comfort them and bond with them, and to watch them develop intellectually and emotionally under my guidance. But I have no training or experience, so it's very unlikely I'd get such a job, and even if I did, I'd probably screw up a lot.

    One other thing to consider is that I have several interests that I might eventually turn into careers, the most notable being game development and writing. And I've been trying to do that for years, but find myself unable to even start. There's too much pressure, as the reason I've been suicidal for years is that it seems I'll never have any means of income, and so becoming good enough at something to earn money from it becomes a matter of life and death. I can't handle such pressure. If I am to ever turn one of my hobbies into a career, I need to be safe in the knowledge that, even if I fail and never earn money from any of them, I won't disappoint anyone and won't be a burden. Thus, I need to do enough every day to earn my keep, while having plenty of free time left to pursue my hobbies without any pressure. Mostly this just means having a part-time job, but theoretically it could also mean simply doing cooking and general housekeeping for whoever I'm living with. But I don't know if I'll believe it if someone ever tells me that just homemaking and being emotionally supportive and giving massages, etc. is enough to justify my continued existence.

    As I finished writing this post, I came to the conclusion that there really is no option besides suicide, as I have nowhere to turn to for the help I need. Right now I'm pretending that I still attend university regularly, and can keep up pretences until around mid-July. It's probable I'll end my life before then. Thus, the right thing to do would have been to stay silent, so as not to worry anyone who might read this but is unable to help. But I felt compelled to go ahead and post this, probably due to the remnants of my will to live, and could not resist. Sorry.
  3. Re: A long story, coming to an end (ADHD and Asperger's, narcissistic parent, lonelin

    Don´t end your life yet, lets talk a bit. I have Asperger´s, and ADD, and I am considering killing myself too. We have some stuff to discuss.

    I will elaborate more after reading all your stuff.

    Don´t despair, I read ALL the pages of Elliot Rodger´s Manifesto.

    Autism is a bitch.
  4. Re: A long story, coming to an end (ADHD and Asperger's, narcissistic parent, lonelin

    Yeah I also skipped classes at uni and eventually dropped out.

    What is funny is that my parents never gave up with their conventional obsession with academicism for a brighter socio-economic prospect for their sons and daughter, so I have actually been in three different colleges, always suffering and in time giving up. Pretty damn insane and sad.

    Last year my sister forced me to go to an organic farm in Cumbria to work as a volunteer... to "face the real world" and "become a man". It, however and as I expected, only served to prove once again how unfit I am for practical jobs involving complex physical labour, remembering stuff and coping with assholish characters. I only lasted one month and could get out of there just because I threatened my family with killing myself and the people on the farm also practically pushed me to go despite supposedly having agreed to stay there at least 2 months. I made many work mistakes (ADD) and confronted some abusive men there (Asperger), not to mention how I never was funny or social with that british scum so they couldn´t wait to get rid of me.

    It is tragic how people so superior from a creative standpoint to the masses like us end up so miserable and castrated. Just reading your post I know you are more interesting/intelligent than a lot of the normies. But that shouldn´t come as a surprise since you are ADD and autistic.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 22, 2015
  5. Leolsrik

    Leolsrik Well-Known Member

    Re: A long story, coming to an end (ADHD and Asperger's, narcissistic parent, lonelin

    Oh, how often I've heard that!

    I do like to think myself more interesting than most people, though not directly because of my atypical brain. Rather, it's because I almost never socialize, and so can spend vast amounts of time reading up on anything I find interesting. And since I can't concentrate on anything for very long, I'm always going after new things. So I end up with a little knowledge about almost everything. This is great for developing a comprehensive worldview, and has allowed me to become understanding and to develop empathy. Things that were missing from my upbringing. However, since I quickly get bored of almost every subject, I never learn enough to become confident in my knowledge enough to talk to other people about it. So I often have nothing to say when talking to people and end up sitting in awkward silence.

    Meanwhile, "normal" people spend a lot of time gossiping or joking around or talking about current (transient) events with a small circle of close acquaintances and friends, which I assume is great for forming bonds, but isn't a great way to gain useful long-term knowledge.
  6. Re: A long story, coming to an end (ADHD and Asperger's, narcissistic parent, lonelin

    See? I don´t think your features and situation leave no option except suicide. You seem to have good physical health, and intelligence above average in some types (intelligence comes in types according to experts, a pretty comprehensive perspective on it IMO).

    I understand your frustration and self-loathing feelings derived from a, shall we say, unbalanced neurology, in a society of neurotypicals. And also, I have to agree that the factor of your not-so-compassionate mother is pretty damaging. People like us are inherently dependent, although is true we don´t have to be parasites forever, we tend to. Even in job or college situations I have leeched off people just to get by with chores. My family is much more supportive and probably will prevent my suicide. But who knows.

    Even while as I said your case doesn´t seem as hopeless from the outside, having into account the emotional/psychological side of things... I think you can get out of this alone but is much harder. Is really your mother so cold and narcissistic? Don´t you have someone else that cares about you?
  7. Re: A long story, coming to an end (ADHD and Asperger's, narcissistic parent, lonelin

    I feel the same way. I am a bit of an autodidact. Self-Teaching is an escape. I love philosophy, the arts, and sciences. I watch documentaries and am always trying to find answers. Right now I am quite interested in existentialism. I don't participate in social activities for fear of judgment. I spend most of my time in my inner realm of fantasy and thought, excluding the misery of the outside world. No human language can describe the beauty of my realm. I want to transcend and dissociate myself from this limited body. It's fun to temporarily adopt unfounded beliefs like the belief that if I take my own life, I'll ascend and the gates of my realm will open up for me.
  8. Leolsrik

    Leolsrik Well-Known Member

    Re: A long story, coming to an end (ADHD and Asperger's, narcissistic parent, lonelin

    The thing about my mother is that she thinks she loves me unconditionally and she truly believes she's been a superb parent. Sacrificed everything for me, made sure I never lacked anything, etc. And yes, she really has been competent at providing for my physical needs - I've never starved, never been homeless or even without basic utilities like electricity, running water and heating, always had good clothes, always received any medical attention I needed, she always paid for anything related to my education, I got to have a computer earlier than most people, etc. We've been fairly poor most of my life, so none of that is trivial. However, she seems unaware of the fact that I have emotional needs, or even that I'm a separate individual from her. She treats me like a blank slate, to be molded into whatever she wants me to become. I'm not allowed to have any problems that she didn't overcome in her own life, and I'm expected to validate all her opinions. Frequently when I disagree with her on anything, she throws a tantrum and yells at me about hoping my own children treat me so disrespectfully someday, so I'll know how it feels and feel bad about doing it to her. Or she'll assertively tell me that we'll talk again when I've grown enough to understand that she's right. She can wait for me to come and apologize when I'm ready.

    This complete inability to consider that I might be right causes an enormous rift between us, as our views and beliefs are drastically different. Beyond just pointless arguments, this manifests when she asserts her long-term expectations of me - I am to become an educated, high-powered, career-oriented person, just like her. I am to build a CV to be proud of, find a high-paying job, and work my ass off. I am to buy her a nice country home and an expensive car, and to take her on trips around the world. I am to bring potential spouses home for her to evaluate, and to provide her with grandchildren for her to mold. None of that's gonna happen. Not on my life. But I have to pretend I'm walking the path she has chosen for me, as I am financially dependent on her.

    I guess the problem can be summed up with the fact that she refuses to look at my actual strengths and weaknesses and limits, and instead tries to force me into the unrealistic mold she has chosen for me. And she refuses to let me live my own life, instead making me an extension of her, a means by which to accomplish what she couldn't by herself. She considers me the main accomplishment of her life, and so when she finds out I'm likely to be useless for the rest of my life, her fragile ego will be destroyed. Or, more likely, she'll go into denial and keep pushing me to become what she wants, raging when I refuse.

    What I've written above is just a small part of the giant wall of distrust between us. I'm currently assembling a post that will shed light on much more, but it's very long and painful to write. But I need to do it. I really need to share my complaints after keeping them private for so many years.

    On the matter of there being anyone else that cares about me... There sort of is. Several people, but asking any of them for help would be a terrible decision. The reasons for that are another fairly long story that I'll get to in the future.
  9. Leolsrik

    Leolsrik Well-Known Member

    Re: A long story, coming to an end (ADHD and Asperger's, narcissistic parent, lonelin

    I know what you mean. Being able to escape into my own mind is probably what has kept me alive for so long. In real life I've been a failure for a long time, but at least I could always imagine myself doing really cool things and having a good life, being the protagonist of my own exciting story. And I could easily imagine myself as a character in any TV series or movie or comic or book I really liked, intervening at critical times to steer the story in a direction that appealed to me more than the original.

    But as I learned more about the world and about myself, my dreams gradually went from wild fantasies to somewhat realistic ones. Some have almost become ambitions. I even became afraid of investigating things I had wild dreams about, as I knew I'd have to scrap those dreams and try to salvage the remnants into something more realistic.

    Anyway, at this point I really want to form a connection with at least one other person, as I can't really handle being alone anymore. So most of my dreams these days revolve around what life would be like if I were able to do that.
  10. ja123

    ja123 New Member

    Re: A long story, coming to an end (ADHD and Asperger's, narcissistic parent, lonelin

    How you going Leo?
  11. Suicidal_psycho

    Suicidal_psycho New Member

    Re: A long story, coming to an end (ADHD and Asperger's, narcissistic parent, lonelin

    I'll be ur friend. I've been through similar things. I also have learning disabilities and anxiety that prevents me from living a normal life.
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