i would first of all like to thank you for reading this thread. it means a lot to me.
so everything started out when i was about 12. i was new in school, new in town, no friends and all. first day of school i was made out as the CHINK by 2 neonazis, mark the 2 oldest and strongest in school. it was impossible to get to know anyone. every1 was afraid of them. as was i. they beat me up regularly. however those beatings dont count a lot. they are no reason for suicide.
ive always had tentions in the family. caused by my mother. my sister was the genious all the time (now at a top 10 college, good for her) and my parents expected the same from me. and guess what. i'm not a genious. i am an average student. each end of term id come home scared because i knew that wed have a huge fight about me again. a fight about my grades, how ungrateful i am, how horrible a person i am, how much i was an underachiever, how i was being a loser and a quitter and everything else. most of the things i forgot already because with the time these fights got a routine. perhaps once a week, two weeks if i was lucky. i started getting afraid of coming home. i was glad going to school, not because i enjoyed it or anything. i liked being away from home. well anyway some of the things my parents yelled at me sticked to my mind. sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me...bullshit. what really hurts is what you cant get away. and that arre thoughts. i was 8 when my mother shouted the first time that having me was the greatest mistake of her life.
so these fights went on, they started to talk about sending me off to a boarding school,because i was to much of a burden, to much of a shame to them.
so i got into a vicious cycle. the more we fought the worse i felt, the more secluded i turned, the more fights we had. i started getting depressed, lonesome and everything in that direction.
so 6 months ago a really sweet girl came to my school (a different one, thank god). she was really nice, we got to know each other, only as friends, nothing intimate or anything of the sort. i soon found out that i could trust her. she was sincere, serious and a great listener. so i told her about my suicide thoughts (they started when i was 14, am 16 now, my god by far too early to be like this,but well who cares). and she got really concerned about me, gave me the numbers of different help centers and so on. 10 days ago i told her that i started getting masochistic. im not cutting myself. im beating my self. gives the same satisfaction and doesnt leave marks
and what did she do? she ran to our class teacher and told him everything. she knew that she was the only person i trusted with my problems. she knew that id rather have my balls cut off then having other people knowing about it. and the classteacher is not a nice person. he told my best friends (who dont know about suicide and all, because they are the ones poking fun of it, ironically) how arrogant i was, a lie as far as anyone i know is concerned. i dont want to know what else he told around school behind my back.
so yeah, she told him everything about me, everything i trusted in her, all my feelings, my fears, just everything. so today he asked me to talk to him. i had no idea what was going on, be cause she didnt tell me that he knew it. so he said he heard about the suicide. he also demanded, DEMANDED!, that id go to a psychologist. sorry for saying this but F*** ASSHOLE.
she knew he wanted to talk with me about it. she didnt even think it was necessary to tell me that she abused my trust i every possible manner. she made me run into an open blade.
well afterwards she came to talk with me, saying she had to talk about it with someone, and that she hoped that things would be same between the 2 of us. yeah sure. she first gives me the feeling of having someone to trust in. she helps me release my feelings. and then she pisses on them. and she wants things to be the same.
oh, i nearly forgot. there is another girl in class. one of her friends. well i have a crush on her. and what did my feeling pissing friend do, she told her all about me. so the only person i hoped could help me has ruined my life more than it is already.
perhaps im simply to naiv. i still believe in the good in people.
all in all im not sure what to do. suicide is a nice option. a short moment of pain. and nothing anymore. eternal darkness. sounds like a nice option...
thanks again for reading this.
so everything started out when i was about 12. i was new in school, new in town, no friends and all. first day of school i was made out as the CHINK by 2 neonazis, mark the 2 oldest and strongest in school. it was impossible to get to know anyone. every1 was afraid of them. as was i. they beat me up regularly. however those beatings dont count a lot. they are no reason for suicide.
ive always had tentions in the family. caused by my mother. my sister was the genious all the time (now at a top 10 college, good for her) and my parents expected the same from me. and guess what. i'm not a genious. i am an average student. each end of term id come home scared because i knew that wed have a huge fight about me again. a fight about my grades, how ungrateful i am, how horrible a person i am, how much i was an underachiever, how i was being a loser and a quitter and everything else. most of the things i forgot already because with the time these fights got a routine. perhaps once a week, two weeks if i was lucky. i started getting afraid of coming home. i was glad going to school, not because i enjoyed it or anything. i liked being away from home. well anyway some of the things my parents yelled at me sticked to my mind. sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me...bullshit. what really hurts is what you cant get away. and that arre thoughts. i was 8 when my mother shouted the first time that having me was the greatest mistake of her life.
so these fights went on, they started to talk about sending me off to a boarding school,because i was to much of a burden, to much of a shame to them.
so i got into a vicious cycle. the more we fought the worse i felt, the more secluded i turned, the more fights we had. i started getting depressed, lonesome and everything in that direction.
so 6 months ago a really sweet girl came to my school (a different one, thank god). she was really nice, we got to know each other, only as friends, nothing intimate or anything of the sort. i soon found out that i could trust her. she was sincere, serious and a great listener. so i told her about my suicide thoughts (they started when i was 14, am 16 now, my god by far too early to be like this,but well who cares). and she got really concerned about me, gave me the numbers of different help centers and so on. 10 days ago i told her that i started getting masochistic. im not cutting myself. im beating my self. gives the same satisfaction and doesnt leave marks
and what did she do? she ran to our class teacher and told him everything. she knew that she was the only person i trusted with my problems. she knew that id rather have my balls cut off then having other people knowing about it. and the classteacher is not a nice person. he told my best friends (who dont know about suicide and all, because they are the ones poking fun of it, ironically) how arrogant i was, a lie as far as anyone i know is concerned. i dont want to know what else he told around school behind my back.
so yeah, she told him everything about me, everything i trusted in her, all my feelings, my fears, just everything. so today he asked me to talk to him. i had no idea what was going on, be cause she didnt tell me that he knew it. so he said he heard about the suicide. he also demanded, DEMANDED!, that id go to a psychologist. sorry for saying this but F*** ASSHOLE.
she knew he wanted to talk with me about it. she didnt even think it was necessary to tell me that she abused my trust i every possible manner. she made me run into an open blade.
well afterwards she came to talk with me, saying she had to talk about it with someone, and that she hoped that things would be same between the 2 of us. yeah sure. she first gives me the feeling of having someone to trust in. she helps me release my feelings. and then she pisses on them. and she wants things to be the same.
oh, i nearly forgot. there is another girl in class. one of her friends. well i have a crush on her. and what did my feeling pissing friend do, she told her all about me. so the only person i hoped could help me has ruined my life more than it is already.
perhaps im simply to naiv. i still believe in the good in people.
all in all im not sure what to do. suicide is a nice option. a short moment of pain. and nothing anymore. eternal darkness. sounds like a nice option...
thanks again for reading this.