A Long, Stupid, Unimportant Rant. No replies needed.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Zueri, Apr 6, 2007.

  1. Zueri

    Zueri Well-Known Member

    Why me? What did I do?
    I keep lying to everybody that I'm OK...when in truth I'm not. I'm scared, I'm depressed, I'm alone, and I want to die. :cheer:

    My health has been going downhill for the past few days...I'm having difficulty breathing and retaining consciousness. I lose feeling of my arms and legs at times, where I completely can't feel them. I have a chronic headache, and horrible insomnia. Hurray pour moi!

    Now, I tell all this to my dad, ask for help, and what does he do? He throws it all in my face! Thank-you, daddie!
    "You manipulative bitch!"
    "You're a loser, you know that? Dishonest."
    "How the hell do you plan to get through life the way you're behaving now?"
    "So what the hell do you want from me?!?"
    "I come home, and I expect everything to be normal at least here. Is it? NO. Why? You."

    I understand that you're having issues at work. I know that things aren't going well. I know we might be getting an eviction notice shortly.

    Yes, I realize grandfather is being a jerk. I know what he says hurts you. I understand. Earth to daddie, HE CALLED ME A MURDERER! That's hurts too, you know.
    All I ask for is a little bit of empathy. You have no idea how trashy I feel. Indeed you don't. You obviously don't, I can judge by the way you reply to me.

    I know you lost your wife, but she was my goddamn mother. And yes, I was there alone when she died. And yes, she committed suicide. And I should have done something to prevent it. But, I had no way of knowing. If you blame me for that, why the hell can't you just take it up with me in person?! WHY?! Am I that much of a weakling in your eyes?

    If so, just kill me. I beg you! End my painful existence. It seems to do no good to you anyhow. Kill me, you'll have access to my bank account. Kill me, grandfather will probably apologize to you. Kill me, you won't have to deal with my attitude. Kill me, end my suffering.


    All I want is death.

    Cupio mortem. Caelum vocat me. Sed, mors non venit. Cupio caedi et necari.
    Rogo te, necas me!
  2. Zueri

    Zueri Well-Known Member

    To y'all who know me, sorry I'm such a bitch.

    There is truth in what fuhrer says.

    I used to be nice.
    I used to be kind.
    I used to care.
    But I just don't anymore.

    I'l sorry I'm so fucked up.
    I'm sorry I'm the way I am.
    If you accept me the way I am, many thanks.
    If you reject me, I don't blame you.
  3. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I accept you the way you are, I like you the way you are and nothing's going to change that, Eva :hug:

    tu es persona bona. If you ever need to talk, you got my MSN/e-mail, hun.

    Te amo,
    Est xxx
  4. :hug: Syiah. If you ever want me to have him arrested, let me know.
  5. Robin

    Robin Guest

    Sounds like you've certainly been through the wringer lately, it must be awful to lose a parent, especially to suicide. It is such an emotional roller coaster, constantly blaming yourself for things you wished you could have done differently. Is your dad the way he is towards you because of what your mother did? Maybe he is strugling with anxiety and or depression, might explain his anger towards you though I am not excusing it of course. I also think you should go to the dr about those physical symptoms, they sound worrying in the least and must be the cause of alot of stress to you, which can't be nice on top of everything else you have to deal with. If you need a friend just drop me a line.
  6. Shauna Lea

    Shauna Lea Staff Alumni


    Reading about everything you are going through almost brings me to tears. I cant even begin to imagine how much pain u r in, but the thought of it makes me want to reach out and hold u above all that pain. For someone so young to have gone through what u have and still b here with us 2day is admirable. U have come so far, please dont give up now! U r such a smart girl, u got into college at 14 for goodness sake, thats amazing! U obviously have so much to look forward to. Life wont always be this way, take it from someone whos been in that awful place where it feels like there is no life left to live.

    I dont even know where to start with ur father. In the past i have told u to try and forgive him as he is in pain also. But now its come to the point where he needs to step up and be a good father. I think that both of u need to get some councilling. There has to be a way Eva and all of us here r more than willing to help u find that way!

    I know that u try and hide ur pain away from the world, but i kno that its always there for u. U need to kno that u dont need to hide here, this is one of the only places where u can be open about how u feel without someone thinking ur attention seeking, or over reacting. U can PM me n e time if im not on msn or in chat.

    I kno im in a different country but i want to do all i can to help u! But in order for us to help u need to b hoenst about how u feel, and take our advice on board. Because in the end, its U that has to make the change. Its hard but it is SO worth it!

    Hang in there darlin...u r such a smart girl, dont let it go to waste!

    Love Shauna