A Long Time Coming

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sleepwalk, Sep 10, 2009.

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  1. Sleepwalk

    Sleepwalk Well-Known Member

    I'm surprised I'm writing this. When I joined the forum I thought at best I'd be a lurker. I don't know if it'll do any good, but here goes...

    I'm 43 years old. I've dealt with thoughts of suicide since I was 12. This year has pushed me as close as I've ever been. I've been out of work since November. My father died of cancer in January and two uncles have died since then. I've played the come here-go away game with an ex-girlfriend (neither of us wanted the relationship to end but she was previously involved) for the past two years and though the game was torture, the ultimate end of any communication back in May has been devastating. I tried to move on and thought I was succeeding with a wonderful young lady I met in July, but she ended things because, of all reasons, I got a job. The job is a return to long haul trucking. It was the last job I wanted to take but you have to do what you have to do. She was unwilling to be involved with someone who is away from home for so long.

    I just feel like all this will finally push me over the edge. I sincerely believe when my body is found in the sleeper of my truck the words "self inflicted" will be featured prominently in the police report. I really am out of answers.
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I really wish I had the answers. but I'm glad you've decided to post here. It's a good place to gain support and make some friends.

    Have you considered talking to a counselor or therapist about what's going on?

    Feel free to drop me a PM if you want to talk.
     
  3. Sleepwalk

    Sleepwalk Well-Known Member

    I can't. I'm a truck driver and if I expressed the extent of what I was thinking to an MD or mental health professional they would be required to take steps to have my commercial driver's licence suspended. I would never do something that would potentially harm anyone else or damage the truck or freight and should that day come I will take myself out of service. In the meantime I need to be able to earn a living. Losing my only viable source of income would just be another nail in the coffin, pardon the pun.
     
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Yeah, I can understand that.

    I hope you'll at least stay here and talk. We're not professionals, but we can offer you support and friendship if you need it.
     
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm glad you found SF. If nothing else you will have a chance to connect with others that understand what you are going through. Give you a chance to let it out and let others support you. Give you a chance to maybe find one or two other answers than the one you have now. Please keep posting and be safe.
     
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