I'm surprised I'm writing this. When I joined the forum I thought at best I'd be a lurker. I don't know if it'll do any good, but here goes... I'm 43 years old. I've dealt with thoughts of suicide since I was 12. This year has pushed me as close as I've ever been. I've been out of work since November. My father died of cancer in January and two uncles have died since then. I've played the come here-go away game with an ex-girlfriend (neither of us wanted the relationship to end but she was previously involved) for the past two years and though the game was torture, the ultimate end of any communication back in May has been devastating. I tried to move on and thought I was succeeding with a wonderful young lady I met in July, but she ended things because, of all reasons, I got a job. The job is a return to long haul trucking. It was the last job I wanted to take but you have to do what you have to do. She was unwilling to be involved with someone who is away from home for so long. I just feel like all this will finally push me over the edge. I sincerely believe when my body is found in the sleeper of my truck the words "self inflicted" will be featured prominently in the police report. I really am out of answers.