A long time

Since I could remeber I've felt alone. Even if I had a friend it didn't change how I felt. Family never made a difference at all. For a LONG time I just told myself nothing matters I don't matter and from about age 12 looked forward to suicide.

From then on I was very anti-social I never made friends or tried in anything. I watched from the sidelines at my teen age years just got wasted doing nothing. For a long time I just said to myself over and over "Theirs no reason to care about anything. It doesn't matter in the end so I wont try to make something of my life." This was how I lived my life for 10 years.

Now 20 I got really close to actual suicide twice. Both with a gun and in my
mouth with safety off and finger on the trigger. Both times I did squeeze the trigger a tad but it wasn't a hairpin trigger I guess. The second time I was just about ready but right at that moment my sister got home from school and I just couldn't let my sister see me that way so I stopped. I finally did get some help with meds and such.

Its still hard to focus on the positive but keeping things in perspectiv helps.
I still don't value my life as much as I should but I value people that care about me and thats why I never did it. I almost did tho if that trigger would went back any further I might not be here today. I am glad I didn't do it but still when my life takes a turn for the worse I always say to myself why didn't I keep pulling. Since 10 this was my dream to show my family I didn't care about them or myself or this lie were born into now I have a different dream but its hard to change your way of thinking when your whole adalacent years u train yourself not to think or achieve.

All the ideas rush in and I sprint to something diffrent but I am not always fast enough.

 

hello!

Yes it´s very difficult having these thoughts all over the years... and change. We have to make that change, look at life from another angle. Act. Somehow it´s painful to do so.

sometimes i hate myself, sometimes i hope to be fine one day, sometimes i don´t know and don´t care about anything...

 

I'm in your exact same situation. I'm 19, and haven't really had friends for many years now and I was always alone in middle and high school. Never went to parties, never did anything and I also consider those years a total waste and I think about suicide a lot now, I'm so inferior to everyone. I'm in my second year of college and also still don't do anything besides going to class and studying, no friends, no socializing at all, nothing. Why did I end up so messed up? :sad: