Since I could remeber I've felt alone. Even if I had a friend it didn't change how I felt. Family never made a difference at all. For a LONG time I just told myself nothing matters I don't matter and from about age 12 looked forward to suicide. From then on I was very anti-social I never made friends or tried in anything. I watched from the sidelines at my teen age years just got wasted doing nothing. For a long time I just said to myself over and over "Theirs no reason to care about anything. It doesn't matter in the end so I wont try to make something of my life." This was how I lived my life for 10 years. Now 20 I got really close to actual suicide twice. Both with a gun and in my mouth with safety off and finger on the trigger. Both times I did squeeze the trigger a tad but it wasn't a hairpin trigger I guess. The second time I was just about ready but right at that moment my sister got home from school and I just couldn't let my sister see me that way so I stopped. I finally did get some help with meds and such. Its still hard to focus on the positive but keeping things in perspectiv helps. I still don't value my life as much as I should but I value people that care about me and thats why I never did it. I almost did tho if that trigger would went back any further I might not be here today. I am glad I didn't do it but still when my life takes a turn for the worse I always say to myself why didn't I keep pulling. Since 10 this was my dream to show my family I didn't care about them or myself or this lie were born into now I have a different dream but its hard to change your way of thinking when your whole adalacent years u train yourself not to think or achieve. All the ideas rush in and I sprint to something diffrent but I am not always fast enough.