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A losing battle

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by silverblood, May 15, 2018.

  1. silverblood

    silverblood Member

    I'm tired of fighting a losing battle. It's absolutely exhausting to battle yourself.

    Anxiety attacks are absolutely not unfamiliar for me. I've had them for long. But they were never as frequent as they are these last weeks. It's just- I'm so tired of having attacks.

    I hate how I would hyperventilate; I hate how my heart would be beating too hard my chest hurt. I hate how I couldn't control anything. I would be too drained emotionally in the end of the attack I would always want to die.

    And resisting the urge to harm myself is getting harder. Sometimes I felt like I want to tear my skin open and see red trailing beautifully. Sometimes it's just too hard not to. In most days I'd be clawing on my skin because I was too afraid of using sharp objects in case I went overboard later.

    White lines are decorating my body like they're pretty when they aren't. I've been so alone, fighting by myself with no one beside. I've felt so isolated I just want this to stop.

    I'm unworthy, and I deserve no one. I'm not a good person. I'm not even sure I'm still me anymore.
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    You have inherent worth as a human being. Do you want to say why you feel this way about yourself?
  3. Brandom

    Brandom Active Member

    So you're at that stage, huh?

    Accept the panic and anxiety, and it'll go away. Accept the thoughts, but dismiss them--don't associate them with your emotions.

    Keep in mind that those thoughts, the anxiety and panic, are just secondary expression. You need to confront the source. I'll give you a hint: it's not validation. You need to validate yourself and stoping depending on others to do it for you.
  4. chinaandback

    chinaandback Member

    Hey Silverblood,

    Ugh, those anxiety attacks are exhausting! Are you in treatment? There is help to fight these and you won't have to do it alone. You ARE worthy and we care about you. We're so glad you reached out. Please try here to find someone who can help you. There may also be something here that may provide some peace.
  5. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. Anxiety is a real sucker! Are you getting any professional help by chance?
  6. Paul1234

    Paul1234 Well-Known Member

    What makes you say you are not a good person?