It's strange... I feel like I've been in a negative state of mind for so long it borders on split personality. It's like I realize what the people and the world around me needs out of me and I act out this cartoon of myself to make them happy and as soon as no one is looking all I think about is being dead. And on top of that, I resent myself for doing it. I feel like the option of ending it all is the only thing that keeps me going... Like it will be my ultimate revenge and 'fuck you' to everyone when I finally do it. I also feel like that's completely fucked, and that I'm a coward. I'm new to this forum and I see all of you people posting all of these thoughts and feelings that are so familiar that it's surreal. I could have easily written any of these things (or did) at some point in my life. I've had so many friends and lovers in my life that have come and gone and I've had so many people I love die that I just feel like none of it really means anything. Life is biding time and the only reason I'm here is because I haven't wanted to put my loved ones through all that grieving I've gone through myself at times in my life. Death is my secret lover and our affair has been the only stable thing in my life. Maybe because I'm selfish and she's always who I want her to be. I don't know if this is too long of a post. I've never done this kind of thing before. Thank you if you've read any of it.