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a lover

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by JBacchus, Jun 28, 2009.

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  1. JBacchus

    JBacchus New Member

    It's strange... I feel like I've been in a negative state of mind for so long it borders on split personality. It's like I realize what the people and the world around me needs out of me and I act out this cartoon of myself to make them happy and as soon as no one is looking all I think about is being dead. And on top of that, I resent myself for doing it. I feel like the option of ending it all is the only thing that keeps me going... Like it will be my ultimate revenge and 'fuck you' to everyone when I finally do it. I also feel like that's completely fucked, and that I'm a coward. I'm new to this forum and I see all of you people posting all of these thoughts and feelings that are so familiar that it's surreal. I could have easily written any of these things (or did) at some point in my life. I've had so many friends and lovers in my life that have come and gone and I've had so many people I love die that I just feel like none of it really means anything. Life is biding time and the only reason I'm here is because I haven't wanted to put my loved ones through all that grieving I've gone through myself at times in my life. Death is my secret lover and our affair has been the only stable thing in my life. Maybe because I'm selfish and she's always who I want her to be.

    I don't know if this is too long of a post. I've never done this kind of thing before. Thank you if you've read any of it.
  2. transparent

    transparent Well-Known Member

    I feel compelled to reply to your post.
    I dont know what words I should say..words have failed me tonight.
    I feel some of the things you feel. Losing dear ones and putting on acts for the rest that are around you. I know that feeling all too well.
    I wont say that things will get better, because I dont know if it will..for you or me.
    I just know that you arent alone.
    I guess thats just all I wanted to say.
  3. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    many people on here, i'm sure, feel the same way - and i know that can seem a bit daunting because sometimes it is so hard to try and pull through it :hug: but even though a lot of the time, life just seems so not worth it, there are reasons to live beyond saving others from greif and you will find them some day :smile:
    there is light at the end of the tunnel as it were, and i hope that each and every one of the people on SF, including you, can find it without resorting to death :heart: thinking of you
    triggs xx
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi and welcome to SF.

    I'm not sure what to say,I hope you can get through this, lean on us for support during this difficult time, :hug:
  5. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    I can relate, alot, to how you feel. I've lost many people i love to suicide, and i spend most of my life acting a part that i dont feel. I don't really have any words of advice right now, except that we do need to be able to show our real selves, but seeing as i find i cannot do that in my "real life" i write in a journal and sometimes i write letters, expressing all i keep inside. That letting of the emotion onto the paper can be really soothing and help me feel slightly better. Maybe you could try it. Take care :hug:
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