A matter of intelligence.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ellie Grey, Mar 26, 2013.

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  1. Ellie Grey

    Ellie Grey Well-Known Member

    It's my 15th birthday next week, I'm a little happy with how I'll be with family... But otherwise it's upset me a great deal.

    I'm so terrified of my age, I don't want to become an adult, in a year I'll be going to college and moving into the next town, after that I'll be moving away and getting a job.
    I've just been crying a lot lately, everyone is saying they can't help me, all the so called 'professionals' are saying there is nothing wrong with me. Everyone (majority of family, teachers, friends etc) know I'm suicidal, they know about my past attempts when I was younger, the extent of the self injury and they know my anxiety issues and my lack of social skills.
    And they tell me over and over I'm better than this, I'm so 'intelligent' I can do something.

    They're leaving a 14 year old who already has a past of severe social anxiety issues, suicide attempts, running away, self harm and a bunch of family problems including bereavement issues because I'm said to be 'emotionally intelligent'
    It's gotten to the point that I'm sometimes asked to explain about depression and anxiety to other people. In class at times the teacher asks me to explain something about social anxiety disorders, depression, mental health disorders, anything and I'll sit there and explain in detail to all the other anxious ridden adolescents; that includes explaining how a panic attack can affect you. I sit and chat with all the other children in my class about their problems and because I give a damn about others they assume the advice I can give automatically means I can help myself.
    That is so not the case.
    And just because I can actually think without having to quote from a damn psychology book I'm left on my own whilst kids who aren't even suicidal are receiving help. (No, I'm not trying to have a go at anyone else, I'm explaining the difference between a moody teenager and a teenager that's actual on the verge of self destruction)
    I've been refused counseling, that includes bereavement because I've had it before to no avail.
    It's angering me how they are excusing their reluctance to do anything about my feelings because I'm considered intelligent.

    I cry every night from fear of falling asleep to face nightmares. Every morning I wake up and have to push myself to make the effort to leave the house. Every day on my way to school I get a panic attack, sometimes I've had to sit in the street to control my breathing.
    I have self harm urges that are so strong at times I've had to clench my fists. I get physically ill from all this. I've currently been getting intense stomach pains and headaches.
    And everybody keeps saying I'm fine, I'm just 'A little moody like most teenagers'
    I keep trying to explain to people that I probably fall under the category of having depression, but it seems like everyone disagrees with me.
    I just don't know what to do anymore.
    This apparent 'intelligence' has done nothing for me at all.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun they do not get it your right even people with university degrees doctor etc get depression it has nothing to do with intelligence logic hun. I hope they listen to you if not hun you are 15 if you are feeling like you are going to harm yourself go to hospital and talk to crisis team there see a doctor about getting something for your depression therapy even would be best hun I am sorry they are not listening to you hun We understand here hun we do so you keep talking to us ok We understand we will listen h ugs
  3. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel Well-Known Member

    Hi Ellie;

    Thank you for posting. I would like to tell you that reading over your words was like revisiting one of my old diaries. I wish I could express to you just how much I understand what you are going through. Growing up I had many similar experiences. My father had a mental breakdown when I was 8, and I don't think he ever fully recovered. As a result I feel I "lost" my father too, although obviously under very different circumstances to you. My brother also had breakdowns, so even though I was technically the youngest in my family, I was forced to grow up very quickly and become everyone's emotional provider.

    What I am getting at is that circumstances forced me (at an age when I should have been enjoying my childhood) into this role of "mature protector." I had to take care of everyone, and because I seemed to be so strong and able to fix everyone else's problems, all my "friends" at school would come to me when they were going through a difficult time. I would listen (I've been told I am the world's greatest listener!), give advice, and then they would be on their way. They never asked about me because I suppose they just assumed I could take care of myself. I felt used and ignored.

    Yes, I really get the whole intelligence point you are making, also. When I was your age I, too, was considered "too intelligent to get depressed," or at the very least, intelligent enough to be able to fix my own problems. People don't seem to understand that being intelligent and self-aware only helps you to understand the problem; it doesn't mean you can fix it by yourself.

    Ellie, I can tell you are feeling very frustrated, lonely and misunderstood because people around you don't seem to be taking your pain seriously. But I can promise you that, on here, we will. We don't care how old or young you are, how intelligent you are, or anything else for that matter. We will listen to you without judgement, we will respect everything you have to say, and we will do our very best to support you in every way we can.

    You clearly are very mature. It is tough being so mature as a teenager because that can make you feel very alienated and misunderstood.

    Please don't hesitate to post/vent on here whenever you like. I think you will be pleasantly surprised by how many people on this site are willing to support you in every way possible.

  4. kim24

    kim24 New Member

    "People don't seem to understand that being intelligent and self-aware only helps you to understand the problem; it doesn't mean you can fix it by yourself."
    I really relate to that. That could have been me as a teenager too. I'm turning 25 soon and terrified about, but that's the least of my worries.
    I've found getting older doesn't mean growing up.
  5. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    that was my problem too when I was a teen, they assumed that because I was quiet and not a delinquent, I didn't need support and help. I don't understand how hard it is to get support from them...they told me I had leadership qualities and that I'm pretty intelligent and responsible. They assumed I didn't need help. yet I was so anxious it was horrible, and depressed. The best helps comes from a psychiatrist. I had therapy, I went to a special program for a year called the Adolescent Treatment Program. A group of 7 or 8 teens go to school and therapy for a year there. Sometimes I think that therapy alone is useless. You need medication.

    You should talk to a psychiatrist, because the others don't get it. They don't know how to help you so they say there is no help, but there is. I wish I could help you more. I'm so sorry you're going through that alone. No one should be alone. You deserve support. Maybe tell them you need support, not solutions. People forget that being listened to is the most important thing. We normally figure out the solution on our own.
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