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a matter of time

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TryingSoHard, Feb 2, 2008.

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  1. TryingSoHard

    TryingSoHard Member

    (im new and am not sure if this is the right place to post this, but please move it if it isnt)

    Hi, ever since i can remember ive been depressed. nothing bad has ever really happened to me, ive just always felt like being alone even though i crave for a close relationship so much. im too afraid of what people think of me, i dont think im worth much because im lazy and have very little feeling towards anything or anyone. im apathetic most of the time and i hate it. i want feeling, i need it to survive because there is no point feeling like this. sometimes it gets so bad and i feel so distant from everything and cant focus, and the only way for me to get out of it is to harm myself, to snap me out of it. i feel so worthless.

    for the last 6 months ive been feeling suicidal almost all of the time, i battle it as much as i can and try to go on but i never feel better. i cant see a way out of feeling like this. my family feel like strangers to me, and only speak to me when they have to, im just strange and dont know how to have a 'normal' life.

    every day i get less and less moved by the thought of killing myself, i used to shudder when i thought about it seriously but now i feel like its just a matter of time, maybe after a really bad day that will push me over the edge. i dont know. there isnt much point to this post, just need to get out how im feeling
  2. Dreamer uk

    Dreamer uk Well-Known Member

    You are obviously trying so hard, and you just need to keep on trying.

    Things can get better for you, I know it is hard, but you can get through this. Just hang onto some hope.

    Have you been to talk to a doctor about how you're feeling or maybe try to get some counselling of some kind?

    Take care
  3. TryingSoHard

    TryingSoHard Member

    i saw a doctor about a year ago because of anxiety, but i didnt explain how i felt very well and i was just told to take some atarax to help with sleep. talking to a doctor scares me so much, and i feel so pathetic the way he looked at me last time. im really afraid he will think im overreacting to things as well because nothing seems to have caused any of my problems. i sometimes imagine myself getting found out and someone helping me get help. i would love a bit of real life support but there is noone to care enough around me, but again thats my own fault for drifting away from people
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    it's not your fault for drifting away, in fact, that's one of the symptoms of depression.
    i say try again with your doctor, or another doctor if you are able. be honest. tell him/her how you truly feel, how sad you are, how often you think of dying. a good doctor will not grill you on your reasons or tell you to simply cheer up. you may be surprised at their concern and the resources that are there for you. i tell you this as someone who has been fighting suicidal feelings for the past few months and who finally talked to a doctor about two weeks ago (although it seems much longer). i was scared, embarassed, shy, mumbling, wouldn't look him in the eye, and even as i hated myself for feeling suicidal and weak for telling someone, it was better than i thought. i'm not exaggerating when i say i think that visit may have saved my life.

    hang in there. as you work up your nerve to tell someone and get the extra help and support you so totally deserve, take some time to read the forum and some of the other postings. you will find many people here who have felt similar to you and many to support you,

  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    oh, i wanted to add, it can help to write the important stuff down if you get nervous. that way if you get extra-shy, or embarassed, or ashamed, or if he/she distracts you from what you need to say you can get the main points covered. someone else suggested the write it down trick and it helped. mine said - sleep all day, numb, think about dying every second of every hour of every day. three bullet points. once i got those out, he took it from there....
  6. I can relate to the way the Doctor 'weighed you up', when your feeling depressed the last thing you wanna do is sit in a Doctors surgery in what would seem to others as if there's nothing wrong with you, Then you gotta actually explain to him what it is thats wrong with you, when you really haven't got a clue what is causing your anxiety, well you have but its just too difficult to explain.
    What you gotta remember is that he/she is a Doctor, they don't really look at you as a person persay, when you present yourself to them they tend to look at you as a functioning organism, and there task is to workout what it is that is mal-functioning. Once they discover the problem, then if there a reasonable practitioner they will be only too glad to offer advice and seem more human.

    I good thing also is try to educate yourself about your problems, find out what anxiety actually is, does it come from within ? of from without? is there a difference between anxiety and fear??...
  7. Dreamer uk

    Dreamer uk Well-Known Member

    I would go back and see the doctor again to ask for help.

    One of the best strategies is to go on anti-depressants, but they are both a blessing and a curse. They can actually increase the risk of suicide and can cause problems with aggression & sexual side effects. They mess your head up when you start taking them and when you stop you can end up in a dark place. I wouldn't have the problems I have now if I would have stayed taking the AD's.

    Your other option, and probably the best one, is to get some sort of counselling to help you with the way you are feeling.

    I've spent my whole life suffering from depression, getting by on a day to day basis, hiding away from the reality of my life. About 10 years ago I went to the doctors to ask for antidepressants, I got completely fobbed off with some anti-anxiety tablets which half ended up in my belly in one go, and half ended up in the bin. I think they just follow a system of making prescriptions, if you keep going back and telling them you're not happy they will keep trying medications until they succeed.

    When I went back 10 years later, I was armed with the information I needed to make my choice having spent lots of time reading on the internet, in fact I had already been on antidepressants for about 9 months without telling the doctor so they had no choice. If you do want to consider taking an anti-depressant I suggest you do some Googling yourself to find out their inherent problems which doctors will not often explain to you correctly. They are not an ideal answer, but they do work for a lot of people.

    I know it is hard mate, try to be strong, life isn't great, but some people have it even worse, try to focus on some positive things.

    Take care
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