a meaningless life...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by @ben, Apr 25, 2010.

  1. @ben

    @ben Member

    at this point, this is the only thing i have in my mind..

    i got nothing to look forward to in my life....not a family that cares
    , not a friend that i could even closely related to, not a rewarding career,


    work is freaking boring, to meet the same people who would give the same shit everyday...all those self centered and self important person.. the thought of it just made me sick, the only thing that made me stay is because i can't find a better pay..

    same routines, boring routines as far as i could remember.. like i've been doing it for exactly my entire life, go to work, go home, have the same for lunch and dinner.. do the cleaning on sunday.. then having problem to sleep every sunday, might be because the anxiety of the first shitty weekday again..

    I would go out to starbucks at the same place every sunday...just to sit there all by myself, and start smoking for a pack or two while listening to my mp3 player same shitty song that i listen.. observing people that pass by..
    i dont even know what's the whole point of smoking, it doesnt release anxiety whatsoever... it just make me look busy puffing instead of sitting alone with no activity..

    i tried so hard of making the impression that i'm perfectly normal to the people around me... exactly for what? at the end of the day i'd just go back to bed and again talking to my self in my head...

    i'm so afraid of hurting others while it seems like most of the people actually hurts me.... and exactly for what? i could have just easily hurt others feeling, but then again i'm those self righteous people that think i'm not capable of doing such things....

    been thinking of consulting a problem to a psychiatrist, but always have the thought that no one would be able to help myself, instead it will just a big waste of money..
     
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    welcome to SF.....
    you're not alone with your feelings that life is meaningless...but it can be better
    I think seeing a psych is a good idea and maybe a councelor..learning CBT may help...
    talking to your GP is the first step...
    do you have any hobbies?..........
     
  3. gakky1

    gakky1 Well-Known Member

    Hi Ben,:smile: you're not alone with the those thoughts, I could have written exactly what you wrote..stuck in a crappy rut, hate my job, people thinking you're 'normal'. Going thru these threads there's alot of us like that, I don't have any answers, hoping some others will share their thoughts because I'm going thru exactly the same things.:huh:
     
  4. @ben

    @ben Member

    thanks IV and gakky,

    so here i go again, surviving first weekday of work.... met all the people that i dont like with all their fake smile, yes.. they do smile when they need something from you.... i wish they could have just died from smiling sometime...

    i met an ex colleague for lunch today,... i hate myself so much, because then again... my anxiety strikes me .. a lot of those silent moment happenned... i just out of conversation, and can't converse very well. i've been thinking.. maybe better make this the last one, i'd rather shut myself out from her and everyone, that way make me feel safer...

    came back to work, do all the same shit stuff..... this forum keeps my mind alive, yesterday was the first day i found out about this forum, quite refreshing to find a community who think alike, i just can't browse SF from office, as it might be traceable!..
    keep thinking want to go back home quickly and start reading again... and write some things in my mind again...

    finally office time end, giving me a sort of accomplishment feeling that i just survive another hell day....