Hello all. Firstly apologies for the please read part, im not usually pushy but I just wanted to share my experiences and philosophies with you all in the hope that it may help some of you. I don't know how to go about writing this in a coherant way, and have a habit to be long winded, but I figured if im going to do it at least do it properly. So firstly who am I? Im a mid 20's male living in England. I have myself attempted suicide at around the age of 9-12, I cant remember exactly when as I blocked it out of my mind because I am somewhat ashamed of it. The method itself was quite odd and would never have worked, but in my mind at the time it was a serious attempt. The attempt itself was the result of a somewhat strange perhaps troubled home life. I wouldn't say it was a broken home as such, but there was not really an atmosphere of love, or normality as in my friends homes. My mum noticed the marks on my neck and I explained what I had done. It was a case of "dont do it again, and for gods sake cover it up, and dont let your father see it." The nearest explanation for my home life and attitudes my family have is similar to Italian Americans, as I have seen on t.v. I know most of you on here are north Americans, so if you have seen the attitudes regards to suicide on the sopranos, or even homosexuality or depression etc, it is quite similar. They are things you don't talk about, and if you did there would be little understanding about it anyway. I have a condition from birth, along with the fact that I was the fat kid, which made school tough. My response was never one for just taking it. I would always confront the bullies, and seen I was a big kid, I often ended up wiping the floor with the bullies. Led me to be constantly in fights and to be labelled a trouble maker, got me expelled from school. My suicidal tendencies subsided up until my teenage years around the ages of 16-17, obviously the introduction of girls, changes in my body etc. By this time I had lost all my fat, and was training 5x a week in martial arts, so was in good shape. I was incredibly shy and found it difficult to talk to people especially girls, and felt no one wanted me because of my condition (for the record its nothing that bad and apparantly im an attractive guy) but at teenage years its bad enough as it is without something extra. I got into drinking as a way of boosting my confidence, but this unfortunately worsened my feelings, I ended up cutting, but I think it was more an attention thing than a serious attempt. I just wanted people to notice me and show me love I guess. Strangely enough most of my social contact was online, and during my teen years I found most girls I spoke to online were themselves suicidal, or had suicidal tendencies. I figure it may be due to hormonal issues around this age? I provided advice and a shoulder to lean on etc. But found for many of them, once they had their fill of attention they stopped speaking to me. I decided to stop giving advice to people. Then I got added on msn by a girl that lived on the other side of the country (in england this is only 4 hours drive away). I figured im never going to meet this girl so the least I can do is try and help her, if its the one selfless thing I do. We got talking she informed me that she overdosed on pills once, had cut her arms etc, and was a very depressed person. Spoke to her for over a year online until we met up, 8 years later and we are still together . Since those teen years, my tendencies had gone completely. Sadly at 18 one of my friends hung himself, another one at 19 drove his car into a wall at high speed on purpose, and recently a boy that was the year below me in school was in the paper because he hung himself. We had another friend that at the age of 20 got drunk and tried to jump off a bridge but, was saved by a passer by. Now in early 2011, I had a pain in my side and went to the doctors, unfortunately this has opened up several medical investigations. One of them has finished with no major problems, and the other two are ongoing, but so far it would seem nothing too serious (fingers crossed). But again my suicidal tendencies came back. It hit me hard this time, because I was just at the stage were I was getting my life sorted. I work with my dad, and due to the complicated relationship, I work and live in what can only be described as a form of dictatorial rule. Under heavy stress and pressure from the work alone, add to the fact that I come under daily criticism, and the fact I work 3 times the amount normal people do. At one point I was working 6am-11pm for 4 months straight. I have been doing this 5 years since the age of 20. I have had no social life, and have lost all my friends, it has severley affected my relationship with my girlfriend. Its not been all related some pretty traumatic incidents have occured that, just when I thought things were easing made life difficult again, which include two deaths of family members and the other stuff I dont want to mention. Pretty long winded and not much in the way of support for you others. Seems more like me just complaining about my life. But essentially when suicidal tendencies come over you, it is about you i.e the individual. Your feelings about your health, life, loved ones, emotions etc. The assumption is here for most of you live in either Europe, North America etc. I thought to myself in retrospect my life now, and before was not that bad. In the whole spectrum of human history, the fact that most of us live in a situation were food, the elements, war, disease etc is not a major concern. Even in modern history, If we had of been born a few generations earlier, we may have found ourselves in trenches on the beaches of normandy. And even present day, one only has to look at the news to see all the horrors going on around the world on a daily basis. Even within our own society, tragedies are occuring all the time. The loss of life in innocent people through accidents,medical issues or even more sinister means. Quite often young lives cut short. When all my medical stuff started. I figured, in a way ive had a good run. I made it to 25 in relative comfort, which again in terms of several thousand years of human history is quite an achievement in itself. I figured im not ever going to give up on life again, because their are millions of souls that never had that chance to live their lives to the full, or even had an opportunity at life. I bet if given half a chance they would kill for my life, and the worries and concerns I have. This is not that im trivialising suicide, as I have seen first hand what it can do, not only to myself but others around me. I would advise anyone obviously to seek out medical help if you need it. But the point is, life can get better, and even if in your opinion it doesent its a hell of a better life than many have had. The other point is, if you actually kill yourself, all the feelings that you feel and all the things you experience will suddenly stop. You may see it as a way of ending the pain, but if you are dead, there is no pain no nothing. You cant watch a sunrise again, you cant have the possibility of falling in love or meeting new people, you can never see a movie again, or eat your favourite food, you cant walk through the park or go play a game of sport, it merely stops. Now even those of you that believe in religion, will be quite aware that suicide is a big no no anyway, so if there is a god/heaven etc the religious texts would suggest you aren't going somewere nice. Many of the people that I know that have attempted suicide but failed, have got their lives together and made some kind of life for themselves. Its like imagine I had of suceeded in my attempt at the age of 9-12? All the things I have experienced and seen since then, all the things I would never have known. If you take your own life, you remove the chance that things might get better. And quite often they do, or at the very least the feelings may subside. We also live in an age with advaned medicine, so there are pills out there that can help with depression etc. You may think you are all alone but your not. Think about all the countless people that have thought the thoughts you are thinking. Keep going till you give out. That is my new motto. Dont be consumed by fear, grief or sadness. Just live each day as it comes, and keep going as you never know what tommorow brings. If anyone is in desperate need of advice I will post my email, but im not sure on the rules on email sharing on here. So if its allowed I will post it on a reply.