A message of support (please read)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by teslatrooper, Apr 19, 2012.

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  1. teslatrooper

    teslatrooper Member

    Hello all. Firstly apologies for the please read part, im not usually pushy but I just wanted to share my experiences and philosophies with you all in the hope that it may help some of you. I don't know how to go about writing this in a coherant way, and have a habit to be long winded, but I figured if im going to do it at least do it properly.

    So firstly who am I? Im a mid 20's male living in England. I have myself attempted suicide at around the age of 9-12, I cant remember exactly when as I blocked it out of my mind because I am somewhat ashamed of it. The method itself was quite odd and would never have worked, but in my mind at the time it was a serious attempt. The attempt itself was the result of a somewhat strange perhaps troubled home life. I wouldn't say it was a broken home as such, but there was not really an atmosphere of love, or normality as in my friends homes. My mum noticed the marks on my neck and I explained what I had done. It was a case of "dont do it again, and for gods sake cover it up, and dont let your father see it." The nearest explanation for my home life and attitudes my family have is similar to Italian Americans, as I have seen on t.v. I know most of you on here are north Americans, so if you have seen the attitudes regards to suicide on the sopranos, or even homosexuality or depression etc, it is quite similar. They are things you don't talk about, and if you did there would be little understanding about it anyway.

    I have a condition from birth, along with the fact that I was the fat kid, which made school tough. My response was never one for just taking it. I would always confront the bullies, and seen I was a big kid, I often ended up wiping the floor with the bullies. Led me to be constantly in fights and to be labelled a trouble maker, got me expelled from school. My suicidal tendencies subsided up until my teenage years around the ages of 16-17, obviously the introduction of girls, changes in my body etc. By this time I had lost all my fat, and was training 5x a week in martial arts, so was in good shape. I was incredibly shy and found it difficult to talk to people especially girls, and felt no one wanted me because of my condition (for the record its nothing that bad and apparantly im an attractive guy) but at teenage years its bad enough as it is without something extra.

    I got into drinking as a way of boosting my confidence, but this unfortunately worsened my feelings, I ended up cutting, but I think it was more an attention thing than a serious attempt. I just wanted people to notice me and show me love I guess. Strangely enough most of my social contact was online, and during my teen years I found most girls I spoke to online were themselves suicidal, or had suicidal tendencies. I figure it may be due to hormonal issues around this age? I provided advice and a shoulder to lean on etc. But found for many of them, once they had their fill of attention they stopped speaking to me. I decided to stop giving advice to people.

    Then I got added on msn by a girl that lived on the other side of the country (in england this is only 4 hours drive away). I figured im never going to meet this girl so the least I can do is try and help her, if its the one selfless thing I do. We got talking she informed me that she overdosed on pills once, had cut her arms etc, and was a very depressed person. Spoke to her for over a year online until we met up, 8 years later and we are still together :).

    Since those teen years, my tendencies had gone completely. Sadly at 18 one of my friends hung himself, another one at 19 drove his car into a wall at high speed on purpose, and recently a boy that was the year below me in school was in the paper because he hung himself. We had another friend that at the age of 20 got drunk and tried to jump off a bridge but, was saved by a passer by.

    Now in early 2011, I had a pain in my side and went to the doctors, unfortunately this has opened up several medical investigations. One of them has finished with no major problems, and the other two are ongoing, but so far it would seem nothing too serious (fingers crossed). But again my suicidal tendencies came back. It hit me hard this time, because I was just at the stage were I was getting my life sorted. I work with my dad, and due to the complicated relationship, I work and live in what can only be described as a form of dictatorial rule. Under heavy stress and pressure from the work alone, add to the fact that I come under daily criticism, and the fact I work 3 times the amount normal people do. At one point I was working 6am-11pm for 4 months straight. I have been doing this 5 years since the age of 20. I have had no social life, and have lost all my friends, it has severley affected my relationship with my girlfriend. Its not been all related some pretty traumatic incidents have occured that, just when I thought things were easing made life difficult again, which include two deaths of family members and the other stuff I dont want to mention.

    Pretty long winded and not much in the way of support for you others. Seems more like me just complaining about my life. But essentially when suicidal tendencies come over you, it is about you i.e the individual. Your feelings about your health, life, loved ones, emotions etc. The assumption is here for most of you live in either Europe, North America etc. I thought to myself in retrospect my life now, and before was not that bad. In the whole spectrum of human history, the fact that most of us live in a situation were food, the elements, war, disease etc is not a major concern. Even in modern history, If we had of been born a few generations earlier, we may have found ourselves in trenches on the beaches of normandy. And even present day, one only has to look at the news to see all the horrors going on around the world on a daily basis. Even within our own society, tragedies are occuring all the time. The loss of life in innocent people through accidents,medical issues or even more sinister means. Quite often young lives cut short. When all my medical stuff started. I figured, in a way ive had a good run. I made it to 25 in relative comfort, which again in terms of several thousand years of human history is quite an achievement in itself. I figured im not ever going to give up on life again, because their are millions of souls that never had that chance to live their lives to the full, or even had an opportunity at life. I bet if given half a chance they would kill for my life, and the worries and concerns I have.

    This is not that im trivialising suicide, as I have seen first hand what it can do, not only to myself but others around me. I would advise anyone obviously to seek out medical help if you need it. But the point is, life can get better, and even if in your opinion it doesent its a hell of a better life than many have had. The other point is, if you actually kill yourself, all the feelings that you feel and all the things you experience will suddenly stop. You may see it as a way of ending the pain, but if you are dead, there is no pain no nothing. You cant watch a sunrise again, you cant have the possibility of falling in love or meeting new people, you can never see a movie again, or eat your favourite food, you cant walk through the park or go play a game of sport, it merely stops. Now even those of you that believe in religion, will be quite aware that suicide is a big no no anyway, so if there is a god/heaven etc the religious texts would suggest you aren't going somewere nice.

    Many of the people that I know that have attempted suicide but failed, have got their lives together and made some kind of life for themselves. Its like imagine I had of suceeded in my attempt at the age of 9-12? All the things I have experienced and seen since then, all the things I would never have known.

    If you take your own life, you remove the chance that things might get better. And quite often they do, or at the very least the feelings may subside. We also live in an age with advaned medicine, so there are pills out there that can help with depression etc. You may think you are all alone but your not. Think about all the countless people that have thought the thoughts you are thinking.

    Keep going till you give out. That is my new motto. Dont be consumed by fear, grief or sadness. Just live each day as it comes, and keep going as you never know what tommorow brings.

    If anyone is in desperate need of advice I will post my email, but im not sure on the rules on email sharing on here. So if its allowed I will post it on a reply.
  2. Rainfall

    Rainfall Well-Known Member

    I'm glad that things worked out for you, but they won't for me. But still, it's an inspirational story.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    As it was said, it is fortunate that these events went well for you...what can we do to support you? I think each person comes here to both give and get support, as it is the best to understand the balance between the two
  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    SIMPLY AWESOME to hear this, Trooper - thank you SO MUCH for taking the trouble to write it all out.

    Just seen Rainfall's response below here - this is what I thought too Rainfall, and I'm sure Trooper and Cat..... ("From someone who said things would never get better" recent post) would have thought the same thing many times.....

    I know it sounds simplistic and unfeeling - but the truth is, we have to work on getting that word 'won't' out of our thinking.

    There is, actually, outside of our opinion and our thoughts on the matter, ways to do this.

    Love and blessings,
  5. teslatrooper

    teslatrooper Member

    I dont know your own personal situation but the only way there is no possibility for things to get better is if you have terminal illness. Otherwise statistically speaking only if its a 0.001% chance, things always have an opportunity to get better. If this is the case, i.e that you are terminally ill, or will go before your time, (as I have been pondering with my medical stuff) is basically stick your middle finger up to death. We are all going out of this world one way or another, and may be its best to hang on as long as possible and make death wait.

    Obviously some people that have debilitating illnesses sometimes feel its best to go out on their own terms, i.e to end it in dignity. I can understand both points of view.

    If you do not have a terminal illness, then there is always a chance things might get better.
  6. teslatrooper

    teslatrooper Member

    I feel I have reached the stage were I don't need support. In terms of my emotional state, I accepted that I may not feel joy in the same way as other people or that my life may not be as good as other peoples. I accepted this years ago. The reason I accepted it is because in my head I figured the best way to deal with this is to instead do everything in my power to provide joy to those around me. To work hard to get that good life for me and my girlfriend, to get a house and have at least 3-4 children. That way I have fulfilled my purpose as a human.

    What has shook me and my resolve is being in hospital continuously over the past year. Being jabbed with needles, going for scans etc. In order to calm my mind I asked my girlfriend that if anything was to be serious and I only had a certain time left, that we would have a quick marriage, and I would make her pregnant. My fear is that I will not fulfill my role as a human.
  7. teslatrooper

    teslatrooper Member

    Thank you. I notice the cross in your picture. I am sad to say religion, well basically christianity no longer has a place in British society. We are an athiest society. Unfortunately Iam also an athiest. Sounds crazy that im an athiest but wishes to live in a christian society. It is my firm believe that whether God or not exists, the modern day Christian model with regards to life, society and wellbeing is 70-90% superior to an athiest society and way of life.

    That is not to say that an athiest cannot behave or be a better person than a Christian. But as a whole the Christian as a model I would say has a far better success rate than the athiest model. One only has to look at my grandparents generation of Christians, in comparison to my generation of athiests.

    During my past year I have done much studying into religion, and unfortunately I cannot accept it. I want to accept religion, but for me there are too many inconcistencies. To me it seems strange that as humans we have developed so many concepts of the afterlife,from the polytheists of the romans,greeks etc, to the animalism of the pagans, the monotheists of islam christianity and judaism (which all claim to be right), the warrior cultures of the samurai and vikings, buddhism, sikhism etc etc.

    I started to read the bible, and strangely enough most of what was in there was related to the Israel, Egypt, Middle east region, i.e within the geographical boundaries and context of that time period. It mentioned the downfall of the non believing pharoahs and empire of egypt, but had no mention of the heathens in the Nordic lands, or the orientals to the east.

    Sorry for going into a rant on religion, as again I believe it to be a superior model. And I wish I had the same belief in religion, as I feel it would give me a comfort I surely lack. I would actually advise most people to search for God, as I guarantee if you find him it will give you peace.
  8. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    This is an AMAZING reply Trooper, from someone who identifies themselves as an Athiest, lol!! That is a happy Laugh-out-Loud, not a cynical one :biggrin:

    I TOTALLY understand what you mean by 'inconsistencies' - and the paradoxes involved..... believe me when I tell you that, (due to necessity) I've spent my life since 15 battling my resistance to God. This might sound very strange, but it has been my journey for reasons to do with my family circumstances. And in it, God has proved himself to me, over and over again, that I simply cannot deny him any more.

    And through it, I've come to understand a lot about a lot of things metaphysical. This is not to say I can give 'text-book' answers, because there are not many, if any textbook answers that are provable, in the way science is, and how our minds were trained at school to only 'believe' in textbook facts.

    I really love it that you have thought so many things through in your own battles - and I understand about your work situation with your 'crazy-maker' - and I think it's wonderful that you're on this forum with us, in order to lend support and have fellowship with those who are hurting and in need of a ladder out of their pits.

    That reminds me, I came across something someone sent me yesterday to do with pits. I'll look it out and post it - it's probably relevant to your reply to me as well.
  9. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Here it is, and I'm living "proof" of its truth.......... I believe God rescued me from my suicide by a miracle - (I woke up in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask and the Dr. saying I had been "very lucky") [There's more to this story if you'd like to hear it.]

    A man fell into a pit and couldn't get himself out.
    A subjective person came along and said, "I feel for you down there."
    An objective person walked by and said, "It's logical that someone would fall down there."
    A Pharisee said, "Only bad people fall into pits."
    A mathematician calculated how he fell into the pit.
    A news reporter wanted an exclusive story on the pit.
    An IRS Agent asked if he was paying taxes on the pit.
    A self-pitying person said, " You haven't seen anything until you've seen my pit!"
    A fire-and-brimstone preacher said, "You deserve your pit."
    A Christian Scientist observed, "The pit is just in your mind."
    A psychiatrist noted, "Your mother and father are to blame for your being in that pit."
    A self-esteem therapist said, "Believe in yourself and you can get out of that pit."
    An optimist said, "Things could get worse."
    A pessimist claimed, "Things WILL get worse."
    Jesus, seeing the man, took him by the hand and lifted him out of the pit.
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