Do you know how hard it is for me to express my self, now i'd long giving up on the thought of you even existing. I mean you are supposed to be the embodiment of all that is good. I came to this site because i was once again considering killing myself. My computer crashes once while trying to come up with the courage to post my cry for help, but i didn't let me bring me down comepletely, it happens i told my self. I finally had something written the longest thing i'd had to say in years. Do you even begin to understand how hard that is from someone with social anxiety disorder. And what happens, my computer crashes again, my computer has never done that before, this cant be a coincidence, i tell myself. I felt that someone or some thing was involved. Now, God, my first thought was you. I mean we have had instances in the past like when as a child my mom would sober up and i'd thank you for helping her, only for her to relapse a week later. I didn't blame you for any of that. But as I greew older and things got worse I realized that I hoped you didn't exist because that meant that you just sat by and watched, did nothing, just didn't care, or worse didn't notice me at all. I was going to end my life a few hours ago, But I didn't Do you know why. Because if it was you, why should I listen to you, you've ignored me in the past. Now the adrenaline is wearing off and i realize how unreasonable I sound. So id better post this last part before i lose my nerve. I appologise to anybody who i may have offended with my tirade, I'm just aweak soul who has lost his faith. I have the fullest respect for those of you who have maintained or regained their faith.