A message to my friends

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by An Angel in Black, Jan 30, 2008.

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  1. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    hello my wonderful friends. ive found an irreplacable treasure to take with me no matter how far, no matter where i am, and no matter what im going through. do you know what that treasure is? friendship. freidnship and an irreplacable circle of love, formed through an unbreakable bond between the love of one person to another. i was looking for ways to end my life because things were so bad, and i thought i had enough. i thought i held on for as long as possible, and believed every cruel word that was said to me. i was a freak, im not worthy of love, i dont deserve friends because im different. i told myself these things, and believed them day in and day out. and for the last 23 years have been miserable, and i have thought about suicide more than once. have placed knifes in front of me and have held them to my throat, thinking how wonderful it would be to dissapear. after all, i had no friends..and im sure my parents didnt love me, so who would miss me? in such a big world im just a dot, not even a dot. and i mean nothing to nobody. i do believe in guardian angels, and like to think at times even angels need looking after. so i started talking to what i belived to be my guardian angel, and that kept me comfortable for a little while..then i found this forum, and was so nervous i dare not disclose everything for fear of being called more names. i didnt know anyone here, and felt bad about posting because who would sympathize with me? more of all would anyone here understand me and mean what they tell me? would they judge me for what ive no control over? i was nervous never having trusted anyone in my life, id learned to fear poeple. surprisingly ive made a lot of friends however, and in no time ive come this far..it makes me wonder how much farther i can go, do i really want to leave on feb 14? im not sure yet, somehow i want to believe deep inside that ive found love, ive found friends, and some of my friends want to leave me because they feel they arent loved. ill stand and make this solem promise that i wont go on the 14th! i promise my friends love that need it, and ill never leave them if they dont leave me. Kitai and Agnes, i make that promise to you esspecially! I PROMISE YOU ARE LOVED.. more so than you know. I LOVE YOU BOTH!! Kitai, you are a wonderful person, and i cannot tell you in words how much youve come to mean to me., nor how much i love you. i would be right beside you the whole time youre going through this if i could. if i were your guardian angel, i would protect you when you feel scared, be ther ewhen you needed a friend, and promise you each and every day youre alive you are loved..more so than you will ever come to know honey. Agnes, ive known you a short while, but im so glad i did. Ive come to realize just how powerful the force of love is. ive never let anyone get close to me, nor love me, because i was so scared they would leave me, i figured what was the point. I was scared, crying like a lost child in my room, wishing on every shooting star ive ever seen that i could find someone that would always be there for me, someone who would love me for who i am. even though im sick and am not a normal person, i dont need to be normal to tell you i love you. because no matter how sick i am, i will always treasure you. i will never forget you, because ive never known what the force of love was until you showed me. i hope we both hang in there long enough to meet in real life, but even if i cant ever see your smile, i dont want you to ever lose it. im not sure what falling in love feels like, but i think this is the closest ill ever get. i think your plans were ruined for a reason, i for the first time in forever said a prayer, and it came true. i think it did because im not ready for you to leave me yet. and you want to live too, i know it. honey life has its hardships but they pass, love is forever remembered. through the storms of life, even when you can see no end to the ocean, there will be someone watching over you, telling you each and every day you are loved. you are loved not out of pity, but because you are who you are. i dont care what symptoms you have, i love you for you, nothing more. and if i could be that someone telling you are loved and waking up each and every day to your smile i would. i know you and i are far away from eachother, but love is something you can take with you anywhere and anytime. however, it can be forgotten about as well. mix it with grief, self doubt, and negativety and it can weigh your heart down so much it you forget all about it. but it never goes away, ever. no matter how many bad feelings perice your heart, there will always be room for love. i dont want to ever forget you are loved more than youll ever know, and more than you ever could. i will be your guardian angel if youll let me. ill wipe away your tears, and hold you in my arms, and tell you its gonna be ok. not out of sympathy, but out of love. i can never tell you in words how much i love you, because there are about 1,000,000 different ways to do so. but if i could show you i would.:laugh: i love you agnes. i love all of my friends so much..everyone who has talked to me or helped me through my difficult times thank you so much. i can never repay the love youve shown me, but i can continue to love you all and hope that you continue to hold my hand every step of the way. once a broken circle always a broken circle. please dont break the circle. please everyone, lets battle the dark times knowing we are loved, lets look death in the face and say another day, because today im loved. lets hang in there together. and lets show the world were not just a tiny dot, we mean something, each and every single one of us. we mean something to somebody here, somebody at home, or someone who is looking for them as we speak. everyone here means something to someone, and deserves to be loved, and i promise you, by someone you are....i love you all so much
     
  2. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    sending love to ya also from a little white dove with a broken wing

    :hug:
     
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    please hang on hun! you don't have to deal with this alone, we are all here for you, :hug:
     
  4. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    i know, life is just so scary at the moment, it really is. im fine one moment and completely deppresed the next, its horrible. im scared because of the things going on in my life. and its hard not to have someone next to me and tell me im loved sometimes. i think my biggest fear is dying not knowing i was loved.
     
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    angel thanks for writing straight from the heart. beautiful, just beautiful.
    catherine
     
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Angel. Your post was one of the most heartfelt and beautiful things that I've ever read. Thanks for taking the time to write it. I like how you said that even guardian angels need help sometimes. I'm sure that Agnes and Kitai are going love what you wrote and send you their love and affection too. I love you too man and hang in there. :hug:
     
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2008
  7. kitai16

    kitai16 Well-Known Member

    Wow, Angel. *hugs*

    I don't really know what to say. Thank you so much.

    I have to admit, when I first saw the title of this topic I was worried you were saying your goodbyes and had left or was leaving this world. So needless to say I was more than pleased when I read through your post and discovered what your message was really all about. I'm relieved and grateful. Thank you.

    You're such a good person, with so much love to give. I really really hope things get much better for you very soon. You honestly don't deserve all the hardship you've had to go through.
     
  8. LILICHIPIE

    LILICHIPIE Well-Known Member

    WOW Angel; I truly dont know what to say

    Im remaining speechless about your wonderful and supportive thread
    I do love you as well and I hope that very soon we both willfind the peace and solace we deserve

    Thinking of you again; and Thank you so much again for being here

    With all my love babe
    http://fr.youtube.com/watch?v=UppX6vP3c4g

    hang on with us
    agnes
     
  9. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Agnes, Angel really needs you to stick around. I think you guys need eachother. Help eachother get through this difficult time.
     
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