Dear staff, Oh, I do miss you so. I'll never forget the good times we had, like when I told the balrog he couldn't pass, and he was totally pissing himself. Also when I swung you at Saruman's wrinkled prune head and knocked his dentures out. You're more than just a walking cane, you're the love of my life, and I intend to propose... as soon as I find you again. This is the third time I've misplaced you in a week. You'd think a wizard capable of taking out an entire orc army would have the power to cure Alzheimer's. But hey, life's a bitch.