A Morning Philosophy

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Will, Nov 17, 2006.

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  1. Will

    Will Staff Alumni

    This thread originally didn't have a title. And it doesn't yet, but probably will by the end of it. I think this is more of a thing just to be said. I don't know if anyone will reply, and if it will be one, two, or a few more lines. Either way, I think maybe I just need to say something.

    It's 6:34am, at this very moment. I hadn't slept tonight, I'm not sure why. After I put away my Social Civics, had finishing the weekly test for my schooling. I cleaned up a bit, and sat around. Watched an interesting show, but somehow I've nearly forgotten already.

    I always liked the mornings. It feels like a new start, and it feels alone. In the good way. I love the mornings that you wake up to and watch the sunrise. No one is around. You need a jacket, nothing too heavy, but for comfort. And drink something warm. You can see Pike's Peak from where I am, and all the clouds, the sun, as it rises from the East.

    After I cleaned up, I stood at my window for a bit, and just watched. I decided mentally, about 5 minutes before that I wanted to go outside, and have one of those peaceful experiences. But, I just hated the idea of coming in after, and being cold for that one or two minutes.

    I hate that about myself. My mind moves maybe twice to three times as fast as I can talk or move. It's annoying, at times. Because if I ever get an impulse to do something, I begin thinking about how I'll feel after, or something else that is negative. I'm almost feeling empty, and very exhausted mentally, because it feels as if I reaped nothing but empty fruits from the impulse. So I drop it and move on. And I keep a mental unrest, for atleast an hour or so. These things happen anywhere from 1 to 6 times a day.

    I think alot of people might see that as lazy, and I agree, but I think it's misunderstood. Alot of times, I look at other people my age, it seems everyone is alot more impulsive, and can enjoy things. I almost envy it. I guess I feel limited by the things that I think about, and how I react mentally and physically to them.

    Anyway, I decided that since I don't stay up in the morning much, I would go outside regardless. I put on my sweater, getting it nice and comfortable, and went to the kitchen. I didn't want to make coffee, because it would've taken awhile, and I think I would have gotten the desire of going outside out of my system by then. So I ended up getting a cooler drink, a soda.

    I unlocked the door, and walked outside. The sun was just peering through the trees across the street, and the sky is lit in a dim orange that is refreshing. Looking to the left are the mountains, still and unmoved. The grass is still green, for now. I notice it's a little cooler then I expected, so I'm slightly uncomfortable, but absorbed enough mentally to stay.

    I began to think more of how people might misunderstand eachothers lives, and how we judge people wrongly. I remembered something...there were a few people talking, and there was someone else in the corner. After he chose to leave ( he didn't say much) some of them began to say the guy had a really big ego.

    In a way, this was a little annoying, because from what I seen, the person was more focused and solitary. I think some people view the quiet types as self-absorbed or malicious. I wasn't exactly comforted by the thoughts, because I'm pretty quiet in nature.

    Social situations, anywhere in pubic, given I chose to not use one of the plentiful masks we all have, I will use my normal personality. Very cold and quiet, and I don't say much. At times like that I feel as if I am truly connected to myself. And I am aware of my sourroundings, my hearing is calmed, focused, as is my vision.

    Is it any better then normal? Not really, I'm just noticing and paying more attention to my senses.

    I think what it was that I thought was weird at the time, was I was trying to think if maybe people thought of me as a erson who is self-absorbed, with a big ego. I never wanted to rub off of people like that, it was never really my intention.

    I'm very calm in nature, and I appreciate the calm moments, the moments that you can be in touch with yourself and reality, and throw off the loads that life piles on us.

    I'm home-schooled, if you hadn't noticed at this point. I got out of school about 3 years ago, because I wanted a solitary enviroment.

    I often feel different, in many ways then people my age. I'm not excited or enthusiastic of many things (whether or not my depression has anything to do with it). I am not talkative, and I tend to be serious in nature. Though I do have a sense of humor, and such, but it's just another side.

    I'm not hurt, or confused, nor am I wrapped in a field of emotion. I do not have anything I really am 'active' about. I enjoy simple things of life, more then complicated. Because in the right state of mind, I love to do extremely complicated things, and do them quickly and efficiently, but still loving the solitary and quiet life.

    I feel that my existence is different to people who are my age. Sometimes it's as if I know so much more then others, and am completely oblivious to other things. I don't feel like I have a childhood, it feels like I chose to abandon it a long time ago. I'll be turning 16 in about 4 days or so. I don't have any reaction to it, it feels as if it's just there. Something that I really don't feel.

    I feel envious in ways, and then I feel calmed in others.

    I don't always feel alone, just sometimes. I usually am alright by myself. The silence is comforting in its own ways. I 'Appreciate' the lesser things, and enjoy the complicated. It's somewhat difficult to explain myself. I feel, even now, a little vain. I never really wanted to be self-centered in this thread, I think I just wanted to say a little experience and thoughts I've had.

    Thanks for reading, if anyone's made it this far. it's 7:01am now. My oda is still fairly full, and I'm slightly exhausted.I think I just wanted to share this morning...

    Sorry if I'm wasting space...feeling pretty guilty right now, feels like I've been vain.
  2. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    In vain? self centered? not at all. Reading what youve written above has calmed me quite a lot, now as i sit here, im thinking about the morning memories i have, and some of the things i did without thinking of how i would feel afterwards, like you, but opposet. I think your way of always thinking ahead is kind of a gift, as you and other people get taken away from the possible hurt that the situations may have given, but sometimes you have to push it all away and just go with the impulses you feel, just ignore the possibilities when you know it could make you feel better, even if its only for a moment. The sky is a beautiful thing, the morning sky is something even more beautiful than the sky itself, and the air, the textures, the smells and the sounds, in the morning.. There is nothing more beautiful, but your words come close. The way you talk and express things, makes me see how you look at life, and look inside yourself and inside situations. You are gifted, you have the gift of word.

    Ally _%
  3. twilightki

    twilightki Well-Known Member

    I enjoyed reading what you wrote. You seem like a really beautiful person. The kind of person I'd like to know in my life. Be well, you're a beautiful soul. :biggrin:
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 27, 2006
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