I am feeling so many things. I am feeling a stone in my belly, a restriction in my chest, a lump in my throat, stinging in my eyes.
I am feeling sadness, despair, hopelessness. I am feeling alone, bereft. I am feeling trapped, contained.
A part wants to let it all out, to sob, to FEEL. It wants to be acknowledged. This part despairs of life and goodness. A different part feels responsible and will not allow unrestrained feelings. That's too unpredictable, dangerous? There are too many responsibilities and too many caring people to risk looking at the dark.
I don't know what I need, I don't know what to say. I know I don't want to talk and I know I would encourage others to share.
I have this dichotomy between how I present to others and how I am to myself. I am a very good actress. I sometimes fool myself into believing that I don't have this darkness in me. I pretend that my messy house is just having different priorities. I pretend that it is fine to not shower for days. I pretend, I pretend, I pretend.
I see myself writing this and I see the warning signs, the "symptoms". If it were another voice speaking I would encourage them that it doesn't have to be this way. But it is my own voice and I keep plodding along. Pretending. Surviving. Helping others. Not giving space for myself.
So this is me giving space. This is me sharing. This is me allowing anything to flow out. And this is me respecting all that comes out. I truely don't know if this makes sense to others or if you will resonate with it. But thank you for taking the time to read and bare witness to my internal process.
I am feeling sadness, despair, hopelessness. I am feeling alone, bereft. I am feeling trapped, contained.
A part wants to let it all out, to sob, to FEEL. It wants to be acknowledged. This part despairs of life and goodness. A different part feels responsible and will not allow unrestrained feelings. That's too unpredictable, dangerous? There are too many responsibilities and too many caring people to risk looking at the dark.
I don't know what I need, I don't know what to say. I know I don't want to talk and I know I would encourage others to share.
I have this dichotomy between how I present to others and how I am to myself. I am a very good actress. I sometimes fool myself into believing that I don't have this darkness in me. I pretend that my messy house is just having different priorities. I pretend that it is fine to not shower for days. I pretend, I pretend, I pretend.
I see myself writing this and I see the warning signs, the "symptoms". If it were another voice speaking I would encourage them that it doesn't have to be this way. But it is my own voice and I keep plodding along. Pretending. Surviving. Helping others. Not giving space for myself.
So this is me giving space. This is me sharing. This is me allowing anything to flow out. And this is me respecting all that comes out. I truely don't know if this makes sense to others or if you will resonate with it. But thank you for taking the time to read and bare witness to my internal process.
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