A New Kind of Limbo

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Tegularius, Oct 20, 2008.

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  1. Tegularius

    Tegularius Member

    I recently spent about 20mins
    walking up and down a fence
    on a cliff edge
    trying to coax myself
    into jumping off

    but my body
    simply refused
    to climb the fence
    and do the jump

    it had its own appreciation
    of what the effect of that
    would be
    and it didnt like it

    while I have had no trouble
    turning on gas taps
    and doing some other things
    which I intellectually expected
    to bring my life to an end
    it seems my body didnt recognize
    those acts as life threatening
    but when it came to the height
    and the concrete slab
    my body recognized full well
    what the effect would be
    and it invoked the full force
    of the instinct to survive
    and the power of that
    overwhelmed me

    wrestling with that
    instinctive resistance
    even for only 20 mins
    was the most harrowing
    and exhausting thing
    I have ever done in my life

    with the failure
    of all the other methods
    and my newly realized inability
    to pursue a method
    I thought would be more effective
    I find myself in a strange position

    I’ve picked myself
    Up off the floor
    So many times before
    I just can't do it anymore

    And yet I cannot
    My body’s
    Instinctive resistance
    To throwing itself
    Off the top
    Of a tall building
    Onto a concrete slab

    It seems
    I cannot live
    And I cannot die
    I am caught between
    In a new kind of limbo
  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I know this exact feeling. It is horrifying. I am sorry.
    sending love :heart:
  3. How many of us have had the same harrowing conversations with our mortal-anywaze flesh and blood beings. What a wicked write - it breaks my spirit-heart. You expressed it so well... :sad:

    For what it's worth, I wish I'd been there for you...But for us reading, you captured a most intimate moment... :sad:
  4. Oak

    Oak Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I know too well thi feeling of wanting and fighting instinct of survival.
    you've explained exactly how many of us feel yet your instinct is stronger than your will to die. Use it to find a way out of depression, pursue your will to live. I wish you all the best.

    granny x
  5. isoko49

    isoko49 Member

    That expresses exactly how I feel this week. Caught between wanting to do it and yet my body holding me back. Thank you for sharing your moment with us.
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I have been there with a 38 special. I won't go into the method, lets just say I know how it feels to be that close...There is a way out you just need to seek it. I found mine in my therapist and the right med combination. Then I started making friends here on the forum. They have helped me to stay rational. You see there is hope, the only one that can give that to you is yourself!!Take Care!!~Joseph~
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I feel the exact same way, it's exhausting. I'm here if you need to talk :hug:
  8. music_junkie

    music_junkie Well-Known Member

    You've written about the paradox of being a suicidal human being eloquently and beautifully. I, along with so many other members, can both understand and empathize fully with everything you've said here.

    It is, indeed, a strange place to be...
  9. Rangoon

    Rangoon Active Member

    That's it! You have beautifuly described how I feel and how I felt a few days ago when I prepared for the final act. My body refused to move, to do what was nescesary to bring about my ending. So now I live on in this kind of dreamlike state,not dead but not really alive either in a way, just existing. I wish i had the courage, and sometimes I think that it was my method that was too scary that if I had a quicker method then I might finally end it all but I probably would not do it then either, I'm afraid of doing it. That might be a good thing. I would like to just sleep and never wake up.

    I suppose it's at the end of the post when i should say "Hang in there" but we both know that is not what you want ( or I ) so I will just say good luck, from someone who is facing the exact same dillemas and emotions as yourself.
  10. Asylum Project

    Asylum Project Well-Known Member

  11. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I can relate to that feeling too well. There must be a peaceful existence out there somewhere if only it could be found.
  12. perfectempire

    perfectempire Active Member

    awesome poem:smile:
  13. perfectempire

    perfectempire Active Member

    That just made it onto the quotes section of my facebook profile.
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