A new person's story

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by AngelofPainandMisery, Oct 2, 2015.

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  1. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively

    I have been depressed for six years, I feel the depression and have had thoughts of suicide everyday, there is nothing that brings me happiness, there are only distractions.
    I've attempted numerous times through out my life, I've self-harmed in some form since I was three. I've been to four separate institutions, none have helped me, in fact they've made it worse with the trauma, degradation, and abuse. I've tried it all: therapies and drugs, nothing.
    I am well aware no one cares. I have no where to go. I don't have the courage or the willpower to ask for help, even if I could I already know what will happen. I have no one I can trust, no one I can talk to, no one who wants to listen. Parents, ha sure, I can't trust them at all. I've taken them into my confidence on a few occasions and all they do is use it against me, invalidate and ridicule me. Friends, what friends? Nobody wants anything to do with me, I'm practically invisible, and if they do, I don't know who is being sincere, what their motives are, or who I can trust. There was someone I felt like I could trust and talk to, now they don't want anything to do with me because I'm too depressing. There is nothing I can do right regardless how much I try. Doesn't matter if it school, friends, projects, hobbies, chores, work, ... anything.

    I don't want pitty, I don't want to hear how sorry people are that I've gone through this at such a young age. It's belittling and humiliating and it's not why I'm here. Nor do I deserve the pitty, there are plenty people who have gone/go through worse and are more deserving than I. I am not a victim, I've brought most of this stuff on myself, or as consequences of my own actions.

    Please don't belittle me or treat me like a child because of my age. I have more experiences and knowledge that are not common for most people my age. I don't even remotely feel my age, I feel ten to fifteen years older. And as far as I know, I don't behave or express like most people in my age group.

    It's humiliating enough to have to go on the internet to even be able to talk or as a last resort, please don't make it anymore difficult than it already is.

    I appologize, this is alot longer than I though.
     
  2. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the site! Lots of people here have similar experiences. I just offer you a hug :hug:
     
  3. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively

    Thanks
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Not sure what to say really except that I can relate to feeling like no one cares. There are a lot of kind hearted people that that would want your friendship, for just that. Think about it, we all have similar issues and are in the same boat so let's just make the best of what is on offer here. :)
     
  5. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively

    Thank you, your are so kind :)
    But I've heard all of that before and I eventually end up worse off than I was before for being so trusting or I just end up disappointed and even farther in a hole becuase I have stupid expectations. I'm sorry but I can't believe that, I can't take the risk of taking someone at their word and then becoming delusional by thinking I have some sort of importance. It's an ability I either never had or just don't possess anymore. I'm so sorry but I just can't take the risk and deal with the constant anxiety and uncertainty of knowing what their motivation is and if they really mean what they say when actions don't match up with their words, or when I turn delusional and for some reason think I have some importance. It would just eat me up alive and I'd ask and make a stupid mistake that no one would forgive me for. And I'd be completely shattered and humiliated from all my stupidity. Even if I wanted to, and such an impossible thing happened (again) I doubt I'd ever realize it and everyone would just give up on me and say I don't want to get better so I deserve what I get or just abandon me. Even if such a thing was possible I wouldn't deserve it, I'm not that bad off and their are people who deserve it more than I do, nor can I accept the responsibility of making someone else feel bad because I can't control myself. Because then I have really crossed the line big time of never being forgiven. I'm sorry, but I just can't throw away a short lifetime of experience where I've always been proved wrong.
    I probably sound so stupid and so immature and I hate that. It's humiliating and I've probably blown everything out of porportion. And I just don't know what to do anymore, everything is a catch 22. There just is no escape, there just is no way to know what anyone is going to do or say, it just doesn't make sense. I'm always walking on eggshells around everyone, no matter what I do its never what I'm supposed to do in that situation or I don't know how anyone is going to react to what I say or even just what to say to anyone. It was probably a mistake to get on here, most people here probably think I'm too depressing or too immature, too strange or weird, or think I'm crazy or whatever else, which is probably why few people ever answer me. I hate that, but it's my fault, nothing I say ever comes out right, I don't know why. I wish I did, I wish so badly that I wasn't so weird and strange. I wish I could just be someone else or just get rid of my personality completely. But these are probably just stupid reasons to justify my cowardice. I probably just shouldn't say anything.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 5, 2015
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    What makes you weird or strange? For being you? For what OTHERS think of you? Fuck them. It's you that you need to focus on. I have been on this forum for 8 years and can honestly say there are people here I can trust with my life and would. It's mind games that is getting you down. You're not immature, you seem quite grown up actually and see things for how they are, so all I will say is there are plenty of genuine good people here so please give us a chance if you can.
     
  7. justAnton

    justAnton New Member

    No.
     
  8. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively

    I will try, its not like I have much left, there's just not anything worse that can happen. I have essentialy nothing left.
     
  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum Astrid112. I am glad you are seeking to give us a chance. Trust is a difficult thing and I know it will take time and effort on both your side and ours. You will find that many of the members here are willing to take that time. While our stories are all unique, they have similarities or we wouldn't find ourselves here. We can relate to how you feel and those trepidations. I look forward to getting to know you better as you spend time here with us.
     
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