A 'new' year.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Blackness, Dec 31, 2007.

  1. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    Nothing exciting to see here, I just felt like writing my thoughts down...
    So it is technically now 2008. Hmm during the count down and then once we hit the big "08" I thought I would feel better (God only knows why!) but I don't.
    I spent it alone, well pretty much. Had a few drinks, which I must admit did numb the pain that I would have otherwise felt. And now I'm in a warm state where I just want to sleep, ahhh ::biggrin:
    I wanted to make a 'new year's resolution', I had two options; work harder (at what I do) or end this all together. I've found my answer, I felt it as soon as the clock hit 12.
    I don't know what will happen this year, but last year was THE worst year of my life, and if 2007 was anything to go by, then 2008 will be just as bad...if not worse.
    There's a saying "how you spend new years eve is how you'll spend the rest of your year", hmm well going by that I think I already know how my year will be.:sad:
    I thought I was used to being alone, but honestly...I don't think anyone can ever get used to it.
    It's terrible, I feel so stuck and isolated and like I have to hold in every emotion and thought I have. I havent been 'depressed' as such in a while (or not as much) lately anyway, but I can feel the blackness creeping back up around my throat. I'm scared and unsure. Life just seems like a big game, played against me right now.
    I think what makes it worse for me, is that I had 'the life' that many people on here yearn for so much, I had it all. Now? nothing, I was striped of everything I ever had. Sometimes I wish that I never had anything...surely it must be easier to have nothing your whole life, than to have it all then to be taken away from you???
    All I wish for is someone, anyone, that I could talk to, vent to, cry to, relate to. :( Just thinking about my life makes me feel as if I can't breathe. I hate this. My life wasn't suppose to turn out this way. what did I do? What did I do to desevre this? :unsure:

    I don't get it:sad:
  2. Slinkybinky

    Slinkybinky Active Member

    Do you know what? I get exactly where you are coming from-I too had ,to people looking in, a life to live for but now I have nothing-no husband,no job,hardly any friends,no confidence and no future.
    Tonight I'll go out and try my hardest to look normal and enjoy myself because I'm scared that if I stay in I might do something irreversable. I hate the way everyone sys "new year new start" yeah right!! Like you say looking foward to a new year is only good if you have some faith that good things are going to happen in it.
    Sorry I haven't made things any better but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone-the only thing is you've actually made it through to next year and I still have to get there!!
    Take care
  3. bitter

    bitter Guest

    blackness i don't think that you did anything wrong it is just something that you had no way of changing no matter how hard you tried. like you it could be said that i had what most people dream of, grew up in an upper middle class home and lived a good life until i was 12 then the parents divorced and things change somewhat. still lived pretty well better then allot of others i went to school with. went into the working world believing that if i worked really hard things would come around i just had to try harder. so worked my ass off got married earned a house nice cars good vacations and still i could feel it all slipping threw my fingers and there was nothing i could do to stop it from happening. in time the wife said we had grown apart and she wanted to go in another direction, she did and took the house and the cars with her. no big deal i did it before i can do it again right, press on and work threw it, has to get better in time right?

    four years pass and still working my ass off and trying to make things better with no results. then suddenly i meat someone and we click (or so i thought) and finally someone that understands the emptiness that i feel. she knows the what it feels like when the demons are tugging at you sole and pulling you down into the darkness and no matter how hard you struggle you know this time they are going to win this time. but now i have a reason to fight harder i found someone worth fighting for, she make me feel live for the first time like i have a chance.

    and no sooner then we pick out the ring that she wants on her finger she goes to her brother's for the 4th and stays for several days. i can feel it before it even happens that feeling that you get when you know you are going to loose yet again. no calls for days and when she finally gets back she is a different person, suddenly she says things are moving to fast and we aren't mean to be together. what the fuck we just picked out your ring where did this come from.

    so once again alone no matter how hard i try i just end up alone again. so much for the dream, it's not a dream but more of a lie. you work hard and play by the rules and you will get to reap the rewards, bullshit. so they are back once again tugging and pulling me down and i am really trying to find a reason to even bother to fight.

    you ask what did i do to deserve this? i don't have an answer to that for you i don't have a clue.

    why do we even bother, don't have an answer for that one either. i really have no idea why i am even still here, it isn't do to lake of trying on my part. guess i just haven't tried hard enough yet, thought i had finally got it right on the 10/12 only to be found and brought back to suffer longer threw this so called life. what a fucking waste of time.

    if you figure out what it is that we have done to deserve this please fill me in and i will do the same for you, sorry but that is all i have to offer.
  4. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    ^ bitter.
    Some of us lack the motivation, but you had/have the motivation and that's why it's pretty sad to hear about how many times you've been let down. You tried your hardest and for what? It's as if you were just meant to have bad luck your whole life. I feel sorry for you.
  5. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member


    Please stay safe and take care....