Hi, I've been struggling with suicide for about five years now and have decided that I'm pretty screwed, at least my family is, if I have my way. Five years ago, I confessed to abuse that occurred when I was around 10 and that somehow opened a Pandora's Box of flashbacks/repressed memories of my childhood that I had essentially blocked out. All of a sudden, I could relate to those Lifetime movies! I haven't found a way to get to the "better", normal level of depression since and have been stuck in this suicidal place of keeping myself from making solid plans such as writing a will. What scares me is that I've learned, lilke most people, signs of suicide but have "learned" to fool myself. For example, it is "bad" to give away possessions, as far as being suicidal goes, however, I seem to get this "BS" yen to "clean up" which means give away stuff. I also enrolled in Life Insurance through work and the only time I feel happiness is when I fantasize about my death or "make plans" by reading books about euthanasia. It isn't active plans, just ease worries, I have already decided that my death day should be the same as my birthday so that there is only one dark anniversary for my family instead of two, but this though alone is disturbing because it's like I'm accepting that killing myself is inevitable and I'm trying to minimize the damage as much as I can. I've tried seeing therapists but no one has been able to get through to me. I think that because of my history of abuse, I disassociate and view myself as a third person. Because of this, I feel like I have a ton of insight but don't know what good it does and my therapists always seemed to get frustrated with me when I can't simply "believe" things such as my inherent value (if I know so many people that are so beautiful and amazing, why would I think that I'm irreplaceable?). OK, I'm just rambling on about feeling stuck between two horrible choices and probably telling a story that most of you have heard a thousand times before. I guess I'm hoping to meet people that help me figure out this thing called "Donna's life" without giving up, of if I'm hopeless, and I do end up dying by my own hand, I have a chance to think things through. I hope I'm making sense to you guys because I barely make sense in my own head!