A Nonstandard Case

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Its3AM, Oct 18, 2016.

  1. Its3AM

    Its3AM Member

    This is my first post, so bare (is that right?) with me, this will be incredibly unorganized and missing key information, probably. Also, a little preface, I'm not 31 like my profile suggests; I'm 15. I said I was because I didn't care to find out the policy on minors.

    Anyway,
    where to start? I'll start with why my life is terrible I suppose, and why I want to die, but am too afraid to. To give some reference point, I live in a bottom-lower class family in rural Ohio. We've been homeless twice, and currently are living in a Craigslist pull-behind camper. It's bad. Real bad.

    First, I'm covered in acne, which is probably my biggest issue with myself personally. When I say covered, I mean covered, head to toe. I have braces too. And wear glasses. Guess what that sounds like? Don't pretend like you're a saint and don't judge people based on looks. I do, you do, everyone does.

    I'm just gona ramble on about my problems and what I'm currently doing, I don't know how these things work.

    Second, I'm socially awkward. Big surprise, huh? Not in the typical sense though. I can talk to people, I just hate to. People are the worst, and they're so damn stupid. I guess I'm introverted not awkward.

    Third, I love someone. Yeah, yeah, I know, too young to know, right? I really do though. That's a good thing, right? Errrnt! Wrong. She doesn't like me. I asked her to homecoming recently, and she said yes. Wow, maybe my life isn't trash after all, huh? Wrong again."I'm really glad you asked me to homecoming but we're just going as friends, right?". She went because she didn't want to make me feel bad, and I stood there awkwardly the entire dance other than the slow songs. It was miserable. Just yesterday I asked her to go do something with me. "I don't know if that would be a good idea". I've loved her for 3 years. I still do. There's some history I'm not getting into, but it's been good between us.

    Nothing interests me. Everything is stupid and boring.

    I don't feel "alone" or "sad". I just hate myself and have reasoned my way to suicide, I just cant act on it because I have a rational fear of death. My reasoning is 1) I'll never have kids due to the way I look. 2) The goal of life is to reproduce eventually (even though my attraction to "Her" is almost entirely non sexual) 3) There is no reason to live if you cannot reproduce.

    I'm lazy. I just am. I don't want to do anything.

    Yes, I have friends, I laugh and have a good time. I don't know if it's walking depression or not.

    After she texted me about whether or not she wanted to go do something, I cried for the first time in years. My life is terrible and there's nothing I can do about it. I came here because maybe there's something I'm missing. I'm on the edge, and all I need is a little push. Help.
     
    Thauoy likes this.
  2. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    From a male perspective a woman liking you and felling safe seem unimportant. But to a woman, those things are a big deal. It may not work out with your first love but you may have what it takes with your second.
     
  3. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you are feeling this way but there is hope.

    Your looks will continue to change and later on you may later be able to exercise more control over how you look. Your acne will not last forever--have you gotten any medical advice on it at present though to see how it can be reduced or managed?

    I don't agree that the point of life is for every single person to reproduce. If it's something that you do want, that can come later on in life but it is possible to get joy out of life without having your own child, possibly with less stress even tbh.

    Rejection and heartache suck and hurt whether you are 15 or 31; I won't sugarcoat it, but it is possible to move on from what feels at the time to be the deepest pain and to love someone else. Also, it sounds as if this girl is pretty decent so maybe you can at some point have a good friendship with her. I don't think it needs to boil down to a romantic relationship, even if that is what you want. It can still be special being friends.

    But you will undoubtedly meet other females who catch your interest. Some say the first cut is the deepest; you can overcome it.

    Your lack of interest in anything does sound as if it could be depression related. Is there a counsellor at school? Or are you able to speak to any doctor/therapist about the way you are feeling?
     
    Thauoy and DrownedFishOnFire like this.
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Its3Am. I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties. I hope we can offer you some moral support here. :)

    Are you able to see a doctor and be evaluated for both your mood and your acne issues? I looked at your profile and it indicates you are an adult, so there are some specific treatments for adult acne. Your "depressive" sounding symptoms could be due to some minor physical thing, your life situation and/or the chemical imbalance that seems to occur with many people who are depressed. Again, there are some treatments - they might not solve your situational issues, but might help you find the inner core to manage more easily.

    I'm also sorry about the girl who wants to be just a friend. I don't think there's an easy way to just brush off wanting more from someone than they can give. It hurts. However, I hope you don't close yourself off from the possibility that someone else could come along some day. In the meantime, this one girl at least wants to be a friend. She could be a helpful sounding board about girls and the way they think in the future. A good friendship can be extremely valuable and nurturing in many ways. Just my two cents.

    I hope you might consider seeing a doctor for a full work up for your mood and your acne. In the meantime, keep talking to us here. Maybe you could tell us more about what yourself and what you enjoy doing in your free time?

    tc :)
     
  5. Its3AM

    Its3AM Member

    I'm in no position to tell anyone. I'm doing this without the knowledge of anyone I know. I'm stuck. I don't WANT to die, I just wish I never existed. I refuse to tell anyone, that's why I'm here.
     
  6. Its3AM

    Its3AM Member

    She doesn't even want to be friends. I asked her about doing something and she said "I don't know if that's a good idea". I cannot tell anyone. I'm trying to manage on my own. I I've lost faith in myself and my future, but still manage to function. I go to sleep after a good day, and still wish I don't wake up. My anxiety kills me. I worry over everything, even this really open place. I fear judgement, and don't want to be judged anymore. Thing is, I've never been bullies. I've had it pretty good socially (other than Her). I just feel like everyone talks about me, the way I act, the way I look, everything.
     
  7. Its3AM

    Its3AM Member

    Also, I have completely rejected the idea that I will ever meet someone.
     
  8. Its3AM

    Its3AM Member

    I don't want a second.
     
  9. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hey there, Its3AM, I'm sorry things are going awry for you. I hope you reconsider that someday you might meet someone else. Statistically, there are several billion people in the world to meet before we can say there is absolutely no one for us, and that's reason for most of us to hope.

    You have been managing on your own for a while now...and atm, you seem to be hurting a lot, alone. Maybe the "buddy-ship" of a compassionate and insightful counsellor could give you a sounding board. I'm sure you can handle things on your own...it's just that we don't "have" to do it all alone all the time.

    Maybe you're too hurt right now to consider therapy, getting treatment for your acne, looking beyond this one girl - it is painful. So maybe you need a bit more time to let your feelings settle. I sure hope you don't give up on yourself! You seem like a nice person - you have friends, can laugh and have a good time, you cared about this girl. I think it would be sad to let go of your life without giving yourself a lot more time. Maybe talking about stuff for a while - here with us, with friends, or maybe with a counsellor - could give you time to process your feelings. I hope so. I hope you feel better soon.
     
  10. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad to hear that you don't want to die. We don't want you to die either, and we will try to help you to work and get through this as best as you can.

    You say that you've rejected the idea of ever meeting someone. That's fine, but rejecting something doesn't mean it is not still possible, and likely.

    You don't want a second or another. To be honest, no matter what age you are, the heart does want what it wants when it wants it, and so it is hard to even consider the idea of ever wanting another person. But time does cause things to change, including our desires and our openness.

    I know the hurt you are feeling, and I know it feels hopeless but be patient with yourself and with life. Things take time to unfold.

    There exists the possibility that she may even change her mind a year from now. There is so much good that will come that you cannot even foresee today.
    Hang in there.
     
  11. Its3AM

    Its3AM Member

    I've taken up exercising. I'm outwardly happy. I'm so empty though. I feel bad about myself. I don't talk to Her anymore. The thought of Her being with anyone else sickens me, physically. I've been like this for 3 years. I want it to end. I will never get over it. I'm attatched. No amount of talking will change that. I have to live with this guilt of failure everyday. But I don't know if i can.
     
  12. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, @Its3AM. I'm sorry you feel so badly about yourself. I'm sorry that thoughts of this woman are still foremost in your mind. Grief doesn't have a set timeframe. When we grieve for a long time, there might be other things we are also grieving and hurting about. Perhaps that is what therapy could help uncover and resolve? However, I think if someone has decided that nothing will lift them from misery, then that is what they will feel. A good therapist helps a person to see that therapy might be beneficial - but there does need to be a kernel of belief the client starts with. If that's not there, then no, therapy won't help because the client doesn't believe it will.

    Here you are on this site. You are not a failure. You ARE hurting. I'm sorry. I wish I had magic words that would take it away for you. Grief takes time. Please don't give up. I'm sure there is more to you as a person than just the pain you are feeling. Take care. *hug*
     
  13. Damaged_Goods

    Damaged_Goods Well-Known Member

    Hey,

    Some things about your post stood out to me, and I wanted to comment. #1 you bet looks matter. not going to lie or sugar coat. My kid, who is 24 can vouch for that. Heart as big as the world, really smart, and very large and less than attractive. And she has paid all of her life for it! Heartbreaks are her life. And she keeps on keeping on.
    BUT, the one awesome thing about looks, is that you have the control to change them. U can do anything...ANYTHING...if you choose to. You can make stupid smart, asshole into sweet, and yeh- ugly into beautiful. I'm probably a little harsh, but I have 7 kids and about 50 that call me mom lol. They come see me just to hang out! lol. I must be doing something right I guess.... So here is what you do:
    • get ur butt down to the local discount store and buy something for your skin. There are a lot of things to try dude- and if one doesn't work maybe the next will. read the ingredients... it matters. If you don't have a lot of cash, think peroxide or witch hazel. I have rosacea and they work for me. About $1.00. And remember- it will go away!
    • WORK OUT! it's great for depression and to help you get ur frustration out. Run. Lift weights, or have a try at tae bo<<my personal fav. When u start to build, you will be amazed at how much better you feel and how differently people see you.
    • stop caring about where you live and be happy that you DO live! I have rescued kids from city parks who ended up being really popular. In the end, nobody really cares what you have but instead who you are. One of my "un-kids" is a commercial pilot now. I found him hiding in a school playground, homeless when I took him in.
    • don't think that because you are young you aren't important. YOU are! I don't care if you are 15, 25, or 80, love fucking hurts. But each day that you keep hanging out with us, you grow stronger. And more beautiful. And more awesome. My son, he was always really small and his nose was huge for his face. He felt awful. Well last night, he started dating the most popular girl in town!! Over a 2 year period, he grew a LOT, his acne cleared up, and he is gorgeous. You never know what tomorrow brings!
    • have fun! Kick back and let it all flow. YOU are YOU and there isn't anyone else like YOU. Have a good time with it and enjoy life...be weird and funny.... and relax!
    • FOCUS. pick something really cool and put your heart into it.
    • Remember that I am lame as hell and not cool at all. :) And my advice sucks!! But I care, and i'm here if you feel like screaming, yelling, or typing in all CAPS.
     
    IdontMatter111 likes this.
  14. Its3AM

    Its3AM Member

    @Damaged_Goods @Acy @AlexiMarie7 @Striking
    I want to thank you all for trying to help me. I feel worse now (not because of you). I don't know where I'm going from here or what I'll do, but I just wanted to say thanks. Thanks for being there for people. Thanks for trying.
     
  15. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Well-Known Member

    Do you want to share what's making you feel worse? I'm very sorry to hear this.

    You are most welcome, and we are still here for you.