A Nonstandard Case

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Its3AM, Oct 18, 2016.

  1. Its3AM

    Its3AM Member

    This is my first post, so bare (is that right?) with me, this will be incredibly unorganized and missing key information, probably. Also, a little preface, I'm not 31 like my profile suggests; I'm 15. I said I was because I didn't care to find out the policy on minors.

    where to start? I'll start with why my life is terrible I suppose, and why I want to die, but am too afraid to. To give some reference point, I live in a bottom-lower class family in rural Ohio. We've been homeless twice, and currently are living in a Craigslist pull-behind camper. It's bad. Real bad.

    First, I'm covered in acne, which is probably my biggest issue with myself personally. When I say covered, I mean covered, head to toe. I have braces too. And wear glasses. Guess what that sounds like? Don't pretend like you're a saint and don't judge people based on looks. I do, you do, everyone does.

    I'm just gona ramble on about my problems and what I'm currently doing, I don't know how these things work.

    Second, I'm socially awkward. Big surprise, huh? Not in the typical sense though. I can talk to people, I just hate to. People are the worst, and they're so damn stupid. I guess I'm introverted not awkward.

    Third, I love someone. Yeah, yeah, I know, too young to know, right? I really do though. That's a good thing, right? Errrnt! Wrong. She doesn't like me. I asked her to homecoming recently, and she said yes. Wow, maybe my life isn't trash after all, huh? Wrong again."I'm really glad you asked me to homecoming but we're just going as friends, right?". She went because she didn't want to make me feel bad, and I stood there awkwardly the entire dance other than the slow songs. It was miserable. Just yesterday I asked her to go do something with me. "I don't know if that would be a good idea". I've loved her for 3 years. I still do. There's some history I'm not getting into, but it's been good between us.

    Nothing interests me. Everything is stupid and boring.

    I don't feel "alone" or "sad". I just hate myself and have reasoned my way to suicide, I just cant act on it because I have a rational fear of death. My reasoning is 1) I'll never have kids due to the way I look. 2) The goal of life is to reproduce eventually (even though my attraction to "Her" is almost entirely non sexual) 3) There is no reason to live if you cannot reproduce.

    I'm lazy. I just am. I don't want to do anything.

    Yes, I have friends, I laugh and have a good time. I don't know if it's walking depression or not.

    After she texted me about whether or not she wanted to go do something, I cried for the first time in years. My life is terrible and there's nothing I can do about it. I came here because maybe there's something I'm missing. I'm on the edge, and all I need is a little push. Help.
  2. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    From a male perspective a woman liking you and felling safe seem unimportant. But to a woman, those things are a big deal. It may not work out with your first love but you may have what it takes with your second.
  3. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you are feeling this way but there is hope.

    Your looks will continue to change and later on you may later be able to exercise more control over how you look. Your acne will not last forever--have you gotten any medical advice on it at present though to see how it can be reduced or managed?

    I don't agree that the point of life is for every single person to reproduce. If it's something that you do want, that can come later on in life but it is possible to get joy out of life without having your own child, possibly with less stress even tbh.

    Rejection and heartache suck and hurt whether you are 15 or 31; I won't sugarcoat it, but it is possible to move on from what feels at the time to be the deepest pain and to love someone else. Also, it sounds as if this girl is pretty decent so maybe you can at some point have a good friendship with her. I don't think it needs to boil down to a romantic relationship, even if that is what you want. It can still be special being friends.

    But you will undoubtedly meet other females who catch your interest. Some say the first cut is the deepest; you can overcome it.

    Your lack of interest in anything does sound as if it could be depression related. Is there a counsellor at school? Or are you able to speak to any doctor/therapist about the way you are feeling?
    DrownedFishOnFire likes this.
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Its3Am. I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties. I hope we can offer you some moral support here. :)

    Are you able to see a doctor and be evaluated for both your mood and your acne issues? I looked at your profile and it indicates you are an adult, so there are some specific treatments for adult acne. Your "depressive" sounding symptoms could be due to some minor physical thing, your life situation and/or the chemical imbalance that seems to occur with many people who are depressed. Again, there are some treatments - they might not solve your situational issues, but might help you find the inner core to manage more easily.

    I'm also sorry about the girl who wants to be just a friend. I don't think there's an easy way to just brush off wanting more from someone than they can give. It hurts. However, I hope you don't close yourself off from the possibility that someone else could come along some day. In the meantime, this one girl at least wants to be a friend. She could be a helpful sounding board about girls and the way they think in the future. A good friendship can be extremely valuable and nurturing in many ways. Just my two cents.

    I hope you might consider seeing a doctor for a full work up for your mood and your acne. In the meantime, keep talking to us here. Maybe you could tell us more about what yourself and what you enjoy doing in your free time?

    tc :)
  5. Its3AM

    Its3AM Member

    I'm in no position to tell anyone. I'm doing this without the knowledge of anyone I know. I'm stuck. I don't WANT to die, I just wish I never existed. I refuse to tell anyone, that's why I'm here.
  6. Its3AM

    Its3AM Member

    She doesn't even want to be friends. I asked her about doing something and she said "I don't know if that's a good idea". I cannot tell anyone. I'm trying to manage on my own. I I've lost faith in myself and my future, but still manage to function. I go to sleep after a good day, and still wish I don't wake up. My anxiety kills me. I worry over everything, even this really open place. I fear judgement, and don't want to be judged anymore. Thing is, I've never been bullies. I've had it pretty good socially (other than Her). I just feel like everyone talks about me, the way I act, the way I look, everything.
  7. Its3AM

    Its3AM Member

    Also, I have completely rejected the idea that I will ever meet someone.
  8. Its3AM

    Its3AM Member

    I don't want a second.
  9. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hey there, Its3AM, I'm sorry things are going awry for you. I hope you reconsider that someday you might meet someone else. Statistically, there are several billion people in the world to meet before we can say there is absolutely no one for us, and that's reason for most of us to hope.

    You have been managing on your own for a while now...and atm, you seem to be hurting a lot, alone. Maybe the "buddy-ship" of a compassionate and insightful counsellor could give you a sounding board. I'm sure you can handle things on your own...it's just that we don't "have" to do it all alone all the time.

    Maybe you're too hurt right now to consider therapy, getting treatment for your acne, looking beyond this one girl - it is painful. So maybe you need a bit more time to let your feelings settle. I sure hope you don't give up on yourself! You seem like a nice person - you have friends, can laugh and have a good time, you cared about this girl. I think it would be sad to let go of your life without giving yourself a lot more time. Maybe talking about stuff for a while - here with us, with friends, or maybe with a counsellor - could give you time to process your feelings. I hope so. I hope you feel better soon.
  10. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad to hear that you don't want to die. We don't want you to die either, and we will try to help you to work and get through this as best as you can.

    You say that you've rejected the idea of ever meeting someone. That's fine, but rejecting something doesn't mean it is not still possible, and likely.

    You don't want a second or another. To be honest, no matter what age you are, the heart does want what it wants when it wants it, and so it is hard to even consider the idea of ever wanting another person. But time does cause things to change, including our desires and our openness.

    I know the hurt you are feeling, and I know it feels hopeless but be patient with yourself and with life. Things take time to unfold.

    There exists the possibility that she may even change her mind a year from now. There is so much good that will come that you cannot even foresee today.
    Hang in there.