A Not- So- Fun New Way to Hurt Myself...

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Akai_Namida, Feb 16, 2016.

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  1. Akai_Namida

    Akai_Namida Member

    I've received some very supportive feedback from this forum since I've begun posting a bit more often, so I wanted to share something with everyone that I am very ashamed of myself for, in the hope that I will not be judged, though I doubt that I really will be.

    To repeat just once more for clarity/ background info/ what have you, I am a 29 year old who is unemployed and still living at home, despite making vigorous attempts to remedy my situation. I have suffered with depression for twenty years, and have engaged in self harm for seventeen. I have gone undiagnosed and untreated the entire time, due to a lack of resources and general indifference of my family regarding my condition. While I won't disclose my previous methods, I do have to confess what my constant stress and depression has led me to begin doing and yes, if you've read my previous threads, I do have a LOT of issues. I'm sorry about that. But I'm trying not to keep them bottled anymore because it's poisoning me.

    Up until recently, I have kept the worst of my illness at bay with self medication. Let's just say if I'm not awake, I'm not depressed. I started at 21 and it's escalated over the years. I don't know HOW I'm not dead right now. But anyway. It did help, if only a bit. Well, my family some weeks ago finally noticed how much this habit has escalated, and now this means of pacification is no longer accessible to me (Yay family, now I'm stuck with my thoughts around the clock. Go you. Even though you all drink too much. But okay. And keep torturing me about how I'm not bringing in money, please. Because that's constructive).

    So now, my mind being the toxic creature that it has always been, has got me doing something more harmful than either the physical or chemical violence I used to inflict upon myself which actually helped: torturing myself mentally, ON PURPOSE, day in and out. How? Well, let's just say that it didn't take me long in life to realize my physical shortcomings ( and no, this is not the root of my illness in the least, but it certainly ties in on many levels). I have never had a mutual relationship. I have been bullied for my looks and even had a guy put his hands on me in violence for defending myself (this was in school, guess what was done about it?). EVERY crush I have had in my life has rejected me, and this was only done in a semi- respectful manner one time. My mother is a beautiful Dutch- Irish lady, so graceful and charming. I have always admired her. But I was born looking like my abusive, mentally ill and awkward- looking father (Meg growing up looking like Peter and not Lois, anyone? Sorry for the reference). At 5'1", it has been very easy for me to look fat, even when I really wasn't. But now, years of failed dieting and non- existent self- esteem have left me at 216 lbs, and I have to say I just don't have the energy to keep failing at changing it anymore. So yeah, I'm ugly. I'm the ugly one out of my four other siblings, because the have a different father. They all look great. You can see their charms radiating from their smiles and their eyes, but not me. And being almost 30, its only going downhill from here, yes?

    I've had best friends use me as a comparison constantly. The last and most hurtful injustice I suffered in this way was when my best friend of 18 years began dating the guy who was my very first crush, my very first rejection. So I was always the third wheel, but it was like that with all of her boyfriends. They were together for three years, so I lived with the reminder daily. And I knew what she was doing the entire time. When I confronted her on it, she told her boyfriend and they tried to placate me with useless professions of my beauty. Oh, so you rejected me and I've been single most of my life because...?. Every attempt to set me up nhas never worked out. I never even got a first date, just a "Nope!". When she tried to give me makeovers, I would look worse. I could not pull off her style, but I embarrassed her in my jeans and hoodies when we would go out to barsto watch my brother's band play. And the guys loved her there. At least I could ignore it somewhat since I took their live photos for their website, but after a few years they gave that privilege to a thin, blond girl who ignored me. My last " relationship" was seven years ago, with a guy who had a disturbing fat fetish. I've been alone and invisible since,and I know that that was it. Last chance. He's married now. And I'm sitting in my mother's house without even having a single friend anymore. We parted ways on an unrelated though equally hurtful matter. No matter how many times I relocate, start new jobs and surround myself with new people, everything stays the same.

    So what I'm doing to punish myself on purpose for my appearance is kind of sick. I'm visiting ugly and fat shaming sites all over the internet and reading every hateful thing I can to remind myself of my reality. And it is reality. I'm aware I am going to remain alone. The "someone for everyone" crap has yet to prove itself to me, and I try to operate on logic and facts as much as my fractured mind will allow me to do so. I know I am not wanted by anyone and never will be, but I still need to FEEL it. In a twisted sense, I've convinced myself that doing so is HELPING me. So I don't get my hopes up. It's hard to believe you will meet someone "someday" when you are invisible to the world, and I don't have much time left for "someday". So I mentally torture myself for what is beyond my control. And I believe every word of what is written on these sites because these opinions are universal. And I know not " every guy is like that". I had one shot with a decent guy ten years ago and scared him away with my problems, but I couldn't control my illness any more than I can now. It's a big part of me. Now, if there are any more guys willing o give me a chance, they must be hidng. And I am so tired of hoping. I feel like I've lived two lifetimes already, and I'm tired. Positivity has gotten me nowhere. So whenever I feel hopeful, I'm going to have to keep reminding myself of the reality in this way. It hurts so much, but hoping is killing me. I have no other choice.
     
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    *big hug*

    I am so sorry to hear how you feel about yourself. I can 'understand' where this is coming from, but that 'voice' at the back of your head telling you all those things is not your own. That's what a therapist told me. We adapt what we hear other 'influential' people in our life say, and if it's negative that voice becomes negative. It takes some work to start to tell it to 'shut up!'.
    My therapist wanted me to stand in front of the mirror when I started having those thoughts and out loud say "Shut up mun" (most of my voice comes from my mother...). It feels so weird at first. But it helps eventually.

    Now that you are aware of your behavior (going to those sites etc.) maybe you should try to work on limiting these triggers? Can you block certain sites on your computer and phone?
    You have to work on a positive body-image. I work on that more than I work on my weight.

    I still have really bad times, my boyfriend can rave on and on about what he likes about my body to try to help me feel better about myself... and still I sometimes think "yeah right, admit it, the only thing you like about my body is my big boobs"

    Take care of yourself hun, it's not easy to work on these things but you deserve to love yourself!
     
  3. Akai_Namida

    Akai_Namida Member

    I like what you said about the voice not really being mine. That makes sense to me in a way, although a lot of the time I feel like it really does belong to me. It's been in my head since I was a very young kid, but I also think it has grown over the years to become a little bit of everyone in my life. It doesn't stop, even when I try to sleep at night and most of he time, I can't. It is a constant repetition of how disgusting I am and how disgusted I am, at all hours. I don't know why I'm trying to make it worse, or why I think doing so is somehow making it better. I know how irrational all of this is, and that actually makes me feel worse about it. I suppose I could block the sites, but I know that when I'm feeling "evil" enough to want to hurt myself, I can just as easily unblock them. I thought about asking someone in my family to do it for me, but I am too ashamed to let them know what I am doing. Although thy refuse to acknowledge that I'm depressed, if my mother knew about this she would probably have me locked up like she threatened to do when I was cutting. So I don't know really where to turn in this situation. I guess I have to just kind of figure it out without them. Thanks for listening and taking the time to reply. It helped.
     
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Even if you can unblock the sites, maybe the fact that you have to do that first will make you rethink it? I do that a lot myself... I create obstructions so I have to stop and think for a minute or two before doing what is damaging to me.

    Use the fact that you know your behaviour is wrong and try to change it, hun. You're a lovely person and you deserve to treat yourself kind!
     
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