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a novel where choices end in death...please help

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Hazel Morse, Jan 3, 2014.

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  1. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    Please help. I know these posts are long, but please, please someone help.

    I'm having a nervous breakdown. I have no family or friends, and I'm liable to blurt out the truth at my interview with the admin at my job in two days if I don't ask someone now. I'm posting this here because I'm so wild and panicking that I have not been able to keep food down for the last 12 hours. It's 10 am here and I've slept 3 hours since 10 pm. I'm shaking and I can't stop.

    On Monday I have to decide what to do with myself, and I just can't handle any of the options. I'm thinking of not going in to work , forcing the issue (I have taken all 5 of my year's sick leave days and one more, so if I stay out 4 days next week they'll just fire me.) I've spent the last 2 weeks doing nothing, whereas usually I work through every holiday, putting in at least 7 hours to plan lessons (the fact that I have no family or friends, or a spine to protest means I can be given a workload twice that of other teachers - what a bonus for any school that hires me!)

    If I choose the safe option, I will be in an abusive work environment, in a horrible country for another year and a half. I will be alive, and allowed to kill myself slowly, as per my plan (I am 35 and do not wish to live to be 40).

    If I choose the brave option, I have a tiny chance of being employed as a teacher in a better country (although no guarantee that it will be a better work environment; however, Australian schools must pay teachers a full, living wage unlike schools in in this 3rd world country I'm currently in) or in a different third world country (which might be just as bad as here or worse - but a change is as good as a rest, right?) There's also the much bigger chance that I will fail miserably and end up with my abusive family or locked up in a psych ward with shit-smeared walls, where I shall stay for the rest of my miserable existence, never again to get a job or earn money. And no, there is no public assistance option. The worst part is, I've seen my uncle fail like this - living on the charity of family members because he can't keep a job. It's an horrific existence, I could not handle it.

    I could go with a third option, which is to take the money I've saved, jet off to an exotic location and live it up until the cash runs out and then off myself. This was the plot of a Willa Cather story, I think. When I'm frantic like now, it seems really attractive.
  2. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    Here's part two of the novel -

    'Safe' option
    I can stay in my shitty, abusive workplace for another year (I've been here 4.5 years already) - an international school where my prospects are going nowhere and my chances of ever being allowed to teach in Australia again get slimmer and slimmer, as my accreditation has run out. I'm seriously not going to be able to handle another year of people telling me what a piece of shit I am for working in the school, and how the longer I stay here the worse it will look on my CV. Pitying me for being such a piece of shit that can't work up the courage to leave. The job underpays me - sometimes doesn't pay me at all - I'm owed 3 months salary which I know I'll never have the guts to ask for. Sometimes I've worked 14 hours on Christmas day. My co-workers treat me like shit - one senior member loves to bully me as much as she can for no reason - and this is a pretty awful third world country to live in. I have no chance of finding friends here. This is a prison. The only upside I can see is that it would allow me to go on killing myself slowly with alcohol, pills and cigarettes.

    'Brave' option
    Try to find a teaching job back in Australia, even though it would mean moving in with my abusive family. They would take me in , I think, but it would be a hell - my parents opening my mail, my stepfather reminding me of what a loser I am daily and my mother telling me I make her wish she had died of cancer like my childhood friend's mother did on our 8th birthday. I am 'not allowed' to do so many things when I stay with them, and that includes ever showing (even non-verbally) a negative emotion, or wearing colour combinations my mother disapproves of (I'm 35 years old). And no, gently reasoning with these people has never worked: when I last tried this my mother ripped out a handful of my hair (I was 30) - don't get me started on the bruises when I was younger.

    I have no friends back there either, so I can't rent an apartment. - you need two referees, just like a job, and they can't be relatives. Plus I need to have a teaching job lined up before I go back, and I'm not sure how to get accredited again. I failed two professional development courses this last semester, have apparently been blacklisted from a major international schools recruitment agency, and do not know how to do any of the 'tech-y' stuff to create online profiles that would allow me to look for jobs on the independent sites.

    I'm terrified of Australian mental health professionals; if you see anything I've written previously you'll know my experiences have ranged from bad to abusive. I live in abject fear of going back into a psych ward. I'm terrified of going on assistance - the dole is not enough to live on, and last time I was in Australia they wouldn't even renew my Medicare card, so I don't know how I could navigate getting any financial or housing assistance.

    The worst thing with the brave option is that my coworkers/ superiors/ visiting teachers etc will remind me daily that six months is not enough time to get a job in the teaching profession, and once you're out it's impossible to get back in. I know this from experience - the only reason I signed on with this shitty school was because I'd been living on my stepfather's generosity for a year. I can't take the next 6 months of people telling me I'm essentially dead in half-a-year's time. I'm afraid of being violent with them or myself in front of the students.
  3. iwanttohelp

    iwanttohelp Well-Known Member

    Hazel Morse, I have another option. I think you should take the money you have saved and take a break from everything. Go to a inexpensive pleasant location, seek trustworthy professional help and get involved in some kind of positive community organization. Disappear and start a new story for yourself dear. Make a list of 5 fun things you want to do, and do them. Keep your radar out for people with good hearts. Be true and treat them well and you will make friends. Ignore everyone else. Take a fresh breath, get a brand new picture. Dig deep for your hidden dreams, and put your attention on them. I can tell from your writing that you are highly intelligent. Now take the logic just one step further and look for some deeper answers that exist above and beyond all this pain. You can do it, you can find the bigger picture for yourself and how you fit into this life. Please don't ever give up until you find relief. I believe your life is precious and you deserve a whole other set of options that involve you having the love, kindness and rest you deserve. You have no friends currently and no family ties... you are free to create your life from scratch. I wish you well.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 3, 2014
  4. AnnieK

    AnnieK Well-Known Member

    i'm sorry i don't have any quick solution for you. i am just here to sympathize. empathize i should say. i lack the courage to quit my job as well. have lacked the courage most of my adult life to ask for what is right, mine, better. jobs, relationships, etc.

    i won't go on and make this about me. i have to try to keep everything in the day. sometimes in the moment. stay in each moment so i don't freak out. also, do you write? write down every last thing you want to say to your admin. then if you can edit out the parts you CAN'T say and see if you come up with something concrete. talk about the abuse you feel there. take a chance. easier said than done i know. it's very hard for me to speak up for myself especially in a world where usually you get punished for it.

    please keep reaching out where it's warm. if even just here. i know a lot of times people offer me advice and i just roll my eyes and you may be doing just that at my advice. i don't blame you, i get it. just know somebody cares about your well being.
  5. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    Annie K, it is sooooo nice to hear when other people went through what I've been through and they can actually sympathise. It really helps to know someone understands - I don't know why. Maybe because we're assured we're NOT the only soul on the planet who is punished for asking what others assume by right. It often feels like being the one lone human amongst a race of supermen.

    From the general population and from mental health care workers there is no empathy - on top of your problems, they make you feel like a freak. When I told the psychiatrist how upset I was to find that my mother had got into my flat and cut up all my clothes and papers while I was in the pysch ward she just shrugged and replied "Yeah, well, you tried to kill yourself - what'd you expect?" End of. I cried in gratitude when I read a comment on a blog a few months back where someone half-way across the world told about having all of her possessions set on fire by her father as a punishment for her suicide attempt. That story made me feel so much better I wished I could find her address, hop on a flight and arrive at her door with flowers and $350 AUD (the off-Medicare price of an Australian psych session).

    I'm not rolling my eyes - the list was a good idea (will have to tread carefully, as the old admin is part of the abuse, but we are meeting the new admin at teacher orientation so maybe I can voice my concerns to him, somehow). thank you again for your help, it has really calmed me down.
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. I think the nature of abuse makes us almost parralyzed. Unable to take the steps to make our life better. I wish I could give you advice. But all I can do is say that it is classic for people who are abused to almost become prisoners of their circimstances. Because they have their personal power and self confidence taken from them. I do not wish this for you. It is so hard to break out of the pattern of abuse and repression. Scary at best. I REALLY feel for you. I wish I could just sprinkle sparkles around you that will help you to remember your true strength. I WILL send you light, if thats okay. I hope it is okay. I always think that in doing that it can help someone to better able remember their own strength. But just know I am sending that, in hope it is okay with you that i do so.

    I write this in seriousness. There is nothing fluffy or flowery about my response. Because I do hear the very profound delema and situation you find yourself in. I consider light to be very serious stuff.
  7. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    Thank you, iwanttohelp, I just wish I knew where I could find all those things - and the money to pay for them!

    Never had goals. Never had enough self-esteem for goals of my own.
  8. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    Thanks, flowers - it is just good to know that other people understand about abuse. I didn't even know I could call it abuse until about a year ago - then it all seemed to crystallise, learning about other people's experiences on the internet, and then realising that my upbringing was abnormal.

    I think that it is easy to make money if you already have money, and it's the same with friends. Financial acumen, social acumen. Then there's abuse, it just piles on some people. My ex was abusive, but he was nothing to my parents - for one thing,not as bright.
  9. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Some families are horrible to be a member of like everywhere else in life like a job, a food store we just gotta get ourselves out of the situation and just focus on ourselves to get better.

    I just cut ties with an abusive father before I become just like him. I saw myself doing same things he did and just had to step back and see that it was him who's the source of chaos in this side of the family. Now I am much happier. It has been 2 full months now and I've not missed him one bit. maybe just getting a break from the mom for a short term would make you happier.

    We really cannot answer what you want to do, it's your life and destiny to make those choices. I would say freak them all and do whatever makes you happy.
  10. AnnieK

    AnnieK Well-Known Member

    one time i was released from a hospital without a plan for treatment. then i got an appt with a psychiatrist i had to wait 2 months to see. when i called my social worker to get some help, to reach out, to let her know i needed help now. her exact words were "WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?!" she was exasperated and disgusted in tone. it crushed me. i couldn't believe a professional would have that attitude. now i know better.

    i think my therapist truly is a good person who wants to help, she's just inept or naive.

    any update on your "options"?

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