a number of failures ...

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by iracund, Jul 4, 2007.

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  1. iracund

    iracund Antiquities Friend

    i have tried od'ing a number of times, none of which have been successful. landed myself in the hospital twice overseas, and the other times i simply woke up feeling like crap, alone, and forced to drag my sorry, weak, ill self to work and try to get through the day without getting too sick or passing out in front of anyone.

    until recently, i was always a little pissed off at myself for not succeeding because i felt like there was no excuse ... i always lived alone, had ample time and resources to make sure the job got done ... and never quite did. i say until recently because it's come to the point where i'm either going to get the job done right (finally) or give up and fight from the other end and try to sort my life out and put the pieces back together. i almost feel like i've tried too many times to keep trying. it's as if it's just not my time to die and i just have to suck it up and deal with living.

    all i can say is that yes, i'm glad i never hurt anyone else with all of my wreckless behaviour. and no, this (somewhat) conscious decision to try to live instead of hope for death didn't come to me on its own. after my mother landed in a psych ward earlier this year for doing her own self-medicating that landed her in the hospital with a broken wrist and a dislocated and torn up shoulder, i realized how much pain all of my actions would have caused the rest of my family had they known about them. (i was able to keep them from learning about all of this by living in a foreign country, never communicating with them, and refusing to give any contact information to my employer or the hospitals that i was in. smart, i know. very smart. i can do anything by myself!)

    and so it goes on ... the urges are still there. i can't say that i haven't cut or taken a bunch of pills since that realization, but none of it was done with the intention of dying. just wanted to take the pain away for a while.

    for all of you who say that taking an overdose is a crappy and uncertain way to die, you are correct. more correct than you know if you've never tried. hopefully i won't again. charcoal is no fun, having your stomach pumped even less so. being kept in a lockdown ward is by miles and miles, even less fun. especially when getting out is contingent upon talking to people and pretending that you really want help.

    there are more details, but i'm too famished to get into them. i hope everyone else is safe tonight.

  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am glad you came to the realization that you did. i hope you continue to fight as long as necessary. Thank you for posting your experience here. Maybe someone will read it and decide an OD is not worth it.
  3. Doesn't change my opinion on OD's, but, I'm glad it changed yours.
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