A old member...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GS9, Jun 12, 2015.

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  1. GS9

    GS9 General

    I joined this site back in 2006 when i was 15yrs old, and now I'm on my way to hitting 25 this year..
    My old user name was master chad back in the day and was more active than i am today..
    I have token a hiding place where no one can ever hurt me again..
    I'm so very tired of this life i have lived.. I have traveled all across this country and no matter how much I have tried..
    I always feel so depressed and alone.. I can never shake away the regret or shame that has been locked away in my heart and mind..
    I lost everything at the early age of 17.. the love of my life.. my family... my home... my future..
    I watched it all disappear before my very eyes and the pain that i had to hide from everyone has broken me..
    I have lost the will to live a long time ago and even after close counters to death i seemed to be able to dodge it even though as i write this i wish i was dead..
    I have only one chance left to grab a hold of my future that is seemingly fading ever so quickly..
    If something doesn't ease this pain in my heart and brighten my darkening thoughts i will surely have the courage this year to end it all..
    I am too tired of this lone drifting life style.. too tired of not having someone to hold and love me..
    To say i have a plan would sounds bad.. but currently I am trying this plan to live and if that fails this time around I feel like giving up...
    I can no longer keep this up.. my strength is almost gone and soon i will have locked away myself within myself to the ever loneful departure of life
    There is a limit to how much one can take and it varies from person to person, but i am reaching my limit and on my way to giving up..

    "I will not be commanded,
    I will not be controlled
    And I will not let my future go on,
    without the help of my soul"
    Greg Holden - The Lost Boy
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi to you I remember you Master Chad I am sorry you are so sad I know how it feels to be so low and i wish that on no one
    I hope talking here reaching out to people here will help you feel less alone for now ok. Take one day at a time for now ok Get to know new people here
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I remember you too. It's good to see you back, because I'd been wondering if you were okay; but I'm sorry you're back because you're hurting so much.
  4. GS9

    GS9 General

    I feel that no matter where i go in this world, i will be forever alone.
    That thought alone has been the darkest part of my thoughts, and even though this site has been here for me many years; what i lack is the warmth of another.
    I am getting more tired of this traveling life of loneliness and have lost nearly everything i own on top of which i came into possession of a tool that will ultimately put a end to my life. Two years ago I was unable to commit suicide after disarming a drunken friend. something in me wasnt able to do it but now i am far away from those who were closest to my heart and i no longer have any guidance towards the future... where i am now is a place where i know i will not find that which what i seek..
    and in terms of planning i have had the same plan for many years even though i have failed multiple attempts at my own life.
    I have a flawless plan on what i want to do in terms of suicide but the fear of death still some how stills my hand..
    I am indeed running out of options and if something doesn't change soon i don't know if i will make it to my 25th birthday :[
  5. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    I remember you Master Chad.
    I know it's not exactly good that you are on this forum, but I am glad that you are talking. I'm sorry you're feeling how you are though..
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Hope you'll let us try to guide you toward a future that doesn't involve suicide. :hug:
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun you have to hold on ok i did not meet someone until i was 28 so you are not giving yourself enough time ok Keep talking her stay with the friends you have here who will keep you strong ok
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there,

    It is good to see you around, I remember you :)
    I am sorry things aren't going to plan for you right now, that's not easy, I hope that this year you can find some comfort in something that will guide you away from the thoughts of suicide. SF is here for you :)
  9. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    :hugtackle: Chad
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