A paradox I find myself in

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by SirRob, Feb 23, 2008.

  1. SirRob

    SirRob Active Member

    After much introspection and meditation I can not escape the reason I hate myself and want to die (That Feb 29th date is looking better and better as it draws closer). The reason I want to kill myself aside from my despair is because I hate myself. Never mind the normal reasons of hating oneself. I have a reason, I am a bad person. Thus I feel I should die. Now the next logical question is: How am I a bad person. I'm not talking about petty things like thoughts and feelings. I am a sadist and basically live schadenfreude. I find I am only happy when everyone else is said. If the people around me are happy I manipulate and orchestrate situations with all my knowledge and psychological ability to bring about the maximum amount of despair. Now lately I've been good and not doing it. However 2 people have caught my interest and I can't help but want to see their happy joyous faces marred with utter despair. In fact I've already began to manipulate them. This isn't even close to the first time I'm doing this. I've turned best friends into enemies, broken quite a few couples up and almost caused a divorce between a friends parents whom I hated. Since it's been awhile I feel I am going to really do something horrible and drive one of them to suicide (which I've almost done to several others before). Now even with all this I know I am not totally evil. A part of me cries and hates it and wants it to stop. But that part of me knows I won't stop till I am dead. So the paradoxical question becomes: What should my fate be. Death or Isolation from everyone?

    and don't say get help. This is how I get my kicks and enjoy myself. I don't find pleasure in many things, but this I like. Forgo all the things about this just being a form of control. I already know. I just love seeing the people in despair from something I've done.