A Pathetic coward and her problems

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by pither, Aug 13, 2009.

  1. pither

    pither Well-Known Member

    I'm trapped, trapped here with myself. With my anxious mind continuously running and my depression which rears it's ugly head at the most unreasonable of times. I was ready to give up on everyone and just completely disengage all non immediate family relationships, I mean of course, the ones that are even still left.
    A few weeks ago I cut all ties with my best friend, the one relationship I had left, the one thing that kept me alive practically for the past at least year and a half. He was my everything, but then as with all normal people, he turned into an asshole. We started to fight when we were together and he just changed, or maybe I changed I donno. But then I called him on it and he made excuses, said it was my fault we didn't get along anymore. From that moment on I decided to not even fucking bother with another breathing soul again because EVERY relationship I have ends with me being hurt or being left in the dust.
    Is it just me? Am I not a decent person or something? I've always felt I was a wonderful friend and companion, ready to listen to problems and offer comfort how ever petty it seemed. But when I need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen, when I need someone to tell me it'll all fuckin' be okay nobody's there. They all left. I just wasn't going to put so much of my time and effort into something that is just going to burn anyways-
    So, there I was looking over this very forum when I met him, the guy who could sweep me off my feet and be that one person, my match, my possible salvation to this pathetic waste of life existence I lead. But he lives all but a full days drive away and he's got plenty of problems of his own (hence meeting him on this forum). And I worry constantly about not being what he wants or not meeting whatever expectations he has- He could be the person, he could be the one I end up spending the rest of my days with and I want it to work damn it! I want things to finally, for once, be on my side. I want this more than I've ever wanted anything, but how can I go about giving myself to someone when I hate who I'm giving them? How can I be playful and romantic when I can't stand the site of myself? I just can't fucking win, I can never have anything without some fucking string attached to it.
    He's coming to see me in about a month and a half and now I feel like my entire life depends on this one little visit, this simple trip just to get to know each other a bit more. I'm pathetic! I'm trying desperately to lose weight and feel good about how I look, but that's just it, I'm not going to be satisfied unless I become this unrealistic barbie in miracle worthy time.
    So, now that all this pressure and anxiety is constricting me constantly, how can I go up against this? How can I look him in the face when I don't even feel I'm worth the time of day? And then what of our relationship if it takes off? We have all the same problems, depression, serious anxiety, insecurities left and right. Will I be okay if this doesn't work in the end? Will I end up more broken and alone than ever before? I don't know and I can't even think about it without feeling sick to my stomach. The timing of his unbelievable drop into my life tells me that this is supposed to happen, whether by god or by fate or whatever other higher powers. And I want it so, so badly- but I'm completely scared to take yet another plunge into a relationship and I know it can only be too good to be true. Something has to happen to ruin it because that is just how my life is and always has been- what if I'm crushed? Can I handle another failed effort? Or will I be writing my goodbyes next time-

    -em
     
  2. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    It might do some good to just slowly see where it takes you. However long you think you would be comfortable with. It has worked for me doing it that way.
     
  3. DarnTired

    DarnTired Antiquitie's Friend

    I know what it's like to try and mold yourself into whatever you think other people want from you in an attempt to get affection and love. I tried it for years and it never worked. There's no way of knowing what another person wants and if I found that if I was that I wasn't for too long, I'd eventually rebel against myself. It's easy to say "just be yourself" especially when your self image isn't very good, but it's the only solution (Good words that I, as of yet, have failed to put into action).

    I also know about how people change and how sad it is when there is so much change that friendships end. That's happened to me twice in the last three years and I can feel it happening a third time. I must confess that I had changed from the way I used to be and other people had trouble accepting me. It's a hard thing to face: I think that's why there is so much divorce and broken relationships amongst people who met in their teen or twenties. It's because of change.

    All I can say is to try looking in the mirror and seeing what a wonderful person is standing there. I've been trying that recently: sometimes it works. That can be the biggest help in your new relationships.